>>> About Last Night…
By staff writer Ali Wisch
April 19, 2006


I know, you thought the day would never come—the day when I would tell you why not to have sex. Not to worry, this is a one-time thing. However, it is an important thing, because sometimes you just have to say no…and that can be pretty fucking hard to do.

1. You should wait if…you don’t have protection.

I think this one is pretty much a given. It’s true most college girls are more likely to have a two hundred dollar pair of jeans in their room than a free condom, and yes, it is easy to get caught up in the moment. However, if you are a sexually active college student, you have probably been through a pregnancy scare or two, and tell me, is that period of waiting worth it? No. Even if it’s only the 4.2 minutes you spend waiting to see if the pink plus sign shows up, those 4.2 minutes could easily be the most stressful in your life.

2. You should wait if…you really like the person.

“Ex-sex can be great, but it can also make you feel dumber than Britney Spears in a car chase with her child in her lap.”

If you find someone who you really like, the best thing I can tell you to do is wait. I’m not talking about waiting until marriage, or even waiting six months, but give it a little while. The build-up is worth it.

Imagine if the best part of a movie were in the first five minutes…what would there be to look forward to? They call it the climax for a reason.

MORE COMEDY:  Yeah, We Met Online

3. You should wait if…you think the other person likes you too much.

This is true for guys especially. If you think a girl is really into you, you may actually be saving yourself a shit load of trouble by politely declining penetration. Picture this: ten o’clock the next morning rolls around, and you wake up sweaty and cramped. You always forget how much more comfortable your single bed is when you are having sex in it. You try to remember why you were feeling this girl and then you remember…you were into her last night, firstly, because you knew you were about to laid, and afterwards because…well, you just got laid.

So you’re lying there trying to think of any excuse to get her out of your bed, and she’s giving you bedroom eyes so bad that you are afraid she can actually read your mind. Next time just say no.

4. You should wait if…you are already seeing someone, and it’s not the person you are about to sleep with.

First of all, cheating is such a dick move. Literally, you are only thinking with your penis, or vagina for that matter, in wanting the dick so badly that one can’t satisfy you. It is a lot easier to not have sex with someone than it is to actually go through with the act of it.

On the one hand, you go through with the illegitimate sex. You had to undress, and possibly undress someone else. You then proceeded to “exercise” for ten minutes…okay five, when you normally complain about walking up a flight of stairs. You then have to re-dress and spend the next week or however long stressing about whether to tell or not to tell, whether the other person will tell, and how you are now failing a class because you’ve been too stressed to do work.

MORE COMEDY:  Internet Porn: The Good, the Bad, and the Fucked Up

On the other hand, you don’t go through with the illegitimate sex. You don’t have to undress or undress anyone else, you don’t have to exercise, you don’t have to freak out, and you’re not failing a class. Your choice.

5. You should wait if…the person you are about to sleep with is an ex.

This can cause all sorts of problems. Ex-sex can be great, I’m sure, but it can also cause a black hole of hell to break open and ruin your life. Chances are, as soon as your genitals stop interacting, you are either going to feel completely assholish, taken advantage of, or dumber than Britney Spears in a car chase with her child in her lap.

This being said, you will probably get so drunk and horny one time that you forget to use a condom, fall for someone so badly that you jump them in the bathroom of the airplane you met them on, have wild sex with someone you know wants to bear your children and then completely regret it, cheat on someone and then freak out about it because that is what happens, and sleep with your ex-boyfriend or -girlfriend because it’s hard to remember why you broke up with them when you are mid-thrust…just don’t get mad when I say I told you so.

MORE ON PIC