To truly understand where we are going as partiers, we must understand from where we have come. We must enlighten ourselves with tales of belligerence from the past. We must study the ways of great drinkers before us, for if we do, we very well may be able to avoid having to pay the gaggle of coked-out Swedish midgets $3K to hide the body and lie to the media.
Mankind’s history is littered with moments when booze reigned supreme. Even the brightest and most powerful of their day have been swayed by its invigorating intoxicants. From jewel-encrusted goblets to mono-encrusted keg cups, alcohol is truly the one indulgence shared by the richest of the rich to the poorest of the poor.
The Puritans loaded more beer than water onto the Mayflower before they cast off for the New World.Also, masturbation.
Contained in this article are many of the great moments in Alcoholism, specifically, American Alcoholism. I feel like everyone, including many Americans, believes that compared to the rest of the developed world, Americans can’t drink worth shit. Although this may be somewhat true (we’re 14th in Beer Consumption Per Capita), throughout our history we have had some impressive high points, last night’s three-story beer bong being only one of them.
- President Lincoln, when informed that General Grant drank whiskey while leading his troops, replied, “Find out the name of the brand so I can give it to my other generals.” General Grant + drinking whiskey = kicking ass. Sounds about right.
- Rock Island, Illinois has a bar that stretches 684 feet. It is the longest in the world. America? Fuck yeah.
- A great American named Johnny Appleseed spent the better part of his life walking around the Midwest planting apple trees. Not so the apples could be eaten, but so they could be fermented and made into hard cider. Dedication: what America is all about.
- The Puritans loaded more beer than water onto the Mayflower before they cast off for the New World. They made it. Weird.
- Before he was called to take his famous ride, Paul Revere was reportedly boozing tough. Historians believe that if it weren’t for his intoxication, he would have never been able to belligerently yell as loud as he did.
- Bourbon is the official spirit of the United States, by act of Congress. Insert your “That explains everything!” joke here: ________.
- During World War II, “reduction of consumption” activists argued that soldiers should not be permitted to drink alcohol beverages. However, General George C. Marshall, Chief of Staff of the U.S. Army, insisted that such prohibition would be “harmful to the men in the service.” You read it right: prohibitionists supported Hitler.
- One particularly proud American was so offended by prohibition that he threw a huge party at his undergrad, Dartmouth, and was thus banned from all extra-curricular activities. His name was Theodore Geisel. We know him better as Dr. Seuss. You read it right: prohibitionists are against teaching children to read.
- The U.S. Marines’ first recruiting station was in a bar. Enough said.
- To celebrate the drafting of the U.S. Constitution, the 55 writers ordered: 82 bottles of wine, 8 bottles of whiskey, 8 bottles of hard cider, and 7 bowls of punch large enough that “ducks could swim in them.” No wonder the Constitution has worked so well for so long.
- Abraham Lincoln held a liquor license and operated several taverns.
America kicks ass.
But that’s not all.
See, those aren’t the only times alcohol has greatly impacted the fate of many. Sure, they may be the only public/true ones, but I have sources deep within the news media who have informed me of several major international cover-ups over the last three millenniums. Conspiracies that led them through unmarked doors and abandoned warehouses. Unlit alleys and untraceable phones. Windowless buildings and disappearing walls. Secret documents and clandestine scrolls.
And once they reached the end of the mysterious maze, they were given this super good lime vodka that didn’t even need a chaser.
Stay tuned next week, when we discover why dice have six sides, why Satan’s pitchfork has three prongs, how anally-raping prohibitionists can get you into heaven, and how they all connect to alcohol.