>>> Casual Misanthropy
By staff writer JD Rebello
March 27, 2005

Is there anything more annoying than a column singing the praises of something new and original almost a year after it’s been mainstream? I don’t think so. So on today’s episode of “So 6 Months Ago” (starring Steve Harvey and the blonde chick from 8 Simple Rules) we’re talking about Facebook (facebook.com). Next week we’ll discuss the new film Sideways. I’m telling you, people are going to love it!

Facebook. Honestly, I wanted to hate it, but every day (for the last 6 months), I’m entranced. I check my Facebook twice a day, scouring for new messages, new friends, new groups to join. It’s absolutely absurd.

For those not in the know (anyone stuck in Iraq pretty much, umm, support the troops) Facebook was originally founded in 1903 by Arnold Face (his original name was Arnoldsch von Faceskiwiez, but he changed it when he came to the States for obvious reasons). The trend didn’t pick up until over a century later during a summer when teenage girls were wandering out of Garden State bitching that they “didn’t get it,” along with that god-awful Mis-teeq “Scandalous” song (to be replaced in 2005 by that god-awful “Mr. Lonely” song, a song that’s somehow catchy, appalling, ludicrous, sappy, emotional, and strangely compelling all at once…this song will eventually spawn its own column, trust me).

“Basically Facebook should just be renamed Stalker.net, because that’s pretty much what it’s good for.”

Anyway, here’s how Facebook works: You post your own profile, allowing anyone at your college to learn the truths hidden in the deepest recesses of your soul—important issues like Favorite Movies, and that you have two friends at Duke (one you went to high school with but never talked to, the other who popped up when you did a global search for the word “vagina” and got Todd Vagina, a sophomore biology major).

RELATED:  This Column No Comply

Then you can become friends with others. This is particularly useful if you have no friends and are about as socially apt as a rattlesnake in a mongoose convention (which will be held at the Staples Center sometime in the fall, bring a poncho). Being friends with people within your university is more or less useless since you can see their profile anyway. To look at profiles at other universities, you need to be friends first, which I don’t much care for, especially since they make the photo deliberately small and you can’t tell if that’s her boob or her elbow resting on the coffee table. (These are the mysteries you ponder when it’s 2 a.m. on a Saturday and you’ve been drinking for six straight hours.)

You also have the option to poke someone. Everyone’s poked someone at one time or another just to see what happens. Well, I’ll save you the embarrassment: The other person receives an email claiming “You have just been poked.” It’s about as anti-climactic as a blow job through a pair of pants. What Facebook should adopt is the ability to backhand, fondle, and molest. Like you wouldn’t try that. “You have just been molested by JD Rebello.” It’s kind of like a calling card, like the Wet Bandits used to use before that little kid ruined their mojo.

Ooh, there’s more. You can join groups based on personal interests, good time groups like: “I Have a Crush on the Fat Chick from Wilson Philips” and “Altar Boys Who’ve Taken the Settlement.” Northeastern has a group that tops them all. It’s called the “Jessie Spano’s There’s Never Any Time So Let’s Get Addicted to Caffeine Pills” group. Comedy at its finest. Basically Facebook should just be renamed Stalker.net, because that’s pretty much what it’s good for. I stalk anyone and everyone: hot chicks I went to high school with that I never had the sack to talk to, hot chicks in college that I never had the sack to talk to…and that’s about it.

RELATED:  2005 Dumbshit of the Year

As earth-shattering as Facebook is, I recommend some small improvements. First off, let’s get rid of these idiot girls who marry other girls—straight, hetero girls who want to show resistance to evil men like myself and their solidarity with their girls. This “I love my girls” shit is really obnoxious. It seems like every set of girls who live together refer to themselves as the “Apt. 409 Girls” or the “On the Corner of 6th and Main, top floor Chicas.” Mad annoying. Mad.

Also, how about listing some actual bands in your Favorite Music preferences? I hate those lazy fucks who put: “Oh, I love all music, lololol!” Shut up. And if you put Maroon 5 as your favorite band, make sure you list your address so I can come set your house on fire.

Oh, and before I forget, the picture you post on Facebook home is crucial. Some rules to abide by: don’t take it yourself, you look like a goon, don’t take a picture of you with your girlfriend because it makes you look whipped, guys don’t go shirtless (nobody wants to see that), and one picture will do. What’s with those multiple pictures people? It’s like a goddamn mall photo booth.

A few more: don’t update your away message (no-life alert), don’t list TV shows under Favorite Movies, don’t list your cell phone number, put tangible interests under Favorite Interests (not shit like “having fun” and “smiling”), wait a few days for someone to be on Facebook before you propose friendship (otherwise get a pen ready to sign that restraining order), and don’t ask to be my friend (I will reject you, and enjoy it).

You have just been poked.