I am suing the crap out of Dunkin' Donuts. I don't really have a choice. Their coffee burned my soul, and they are going to pay. Read More »

Well, it looks like I'm gonna have to step in here and fix the economy. When you are unemployed, the last thing you want is responsibility, but sadly, you can't send a stimulus package to do a hero's job. It's really pretty simple though. In order to move forward, we have to learn from our successes, not our mistakes. Read More »

I didn't want to do this. I generally abhor the declaration of war on anybody. But I have been given no choice. Today is a date that will live in infamy. The enemy has brought the battle and has drawn first blood. I am now an army of one, fighting to end the atrocity that has crippled so many: gratuitous old man nudity in the locker room. Read More »

Eat your heart out Fox News. Yesterday CNN posted the headline "Cowboy who won $232 million lottery known as ‘good kid'." PHEW! Read More »

I have been asked to be a bouncer at a swingers' party. I bet you didn't have a clue that such a job existed. These get-togethers give off the impression that swingers live in a realm of total anarchy. Not so. I've been told that the job entails being a doorman/hole monitor. Ah yes, apparently a wife swap has a few quid pro quos, one being that certain holes are often off-limits. Read More »

The Supreme Court Justices gather around the round table for their annual weekly meeting.

Stevens: Okay, it's that time of the year again, Lawyer League Softball! We have to figure out who is going to fill the holes in our lineup.

Alito: Don't you mean hole? Read More »

This is a description of next Friday night. The cast of characters is a typical group of guys named Benny, Eric, Stevens, and Marvelous, listed in order of bachelor evolution from true relationship Neanderthal to engaged and no longer erectus homo. Read More »

This is the tale of the rise and fall of one of the most famous horses ever, Iron-Shoed Mike. As a bastard child, Iron-Shoed was fed nails and whipped mercilessly until a rage brewed inside of him. He burst on the scene wearing all black and blowing away the field by 25 furlongs at the Kentucky Derby. Read More »

Congratulations, Steve Perry and company. You fuckin' nailed it. You wrote the perfect song for drunk and sober people alike. I thought that you had simply accomplished my dream and were essentially a one hit wonder. False. I did some research on you guys and discovered that Journey is a totally legit band. Read More »

Okay dude, I have a pretty decent proposal for you. I was going to buy an anniversary gift for Shelley, but instead, I am offering you the last 6 bucks in my wallet to fuck your girlfriend. We both know you need the money and I need a vacation from my monotonous monogamy. Read More »