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"Also Known As 'Things That Make You Go Hmm...'"
Now Playing: "We Belong to the Sea" by Aqua
It's been a long time since I've written
a column composed entirely out of irrelevant,
disconnected and not entirely humorous observations.
That's because in my quest to bring you the third-greatest humor
column at Points in Case, I am constantly writing jokes, hoping to
link them together at a later date using what we in the
humor-column-writing business call a "theme." Sometimes, it just
doesn't work out and I find out the jokes I spent hours, sometimes
minutes, writing out just don't fit in anywhere. It would be a shame
to just let these jokes fester in the trash can (also known as the
Windows XP Recycle Bin), so I present them to you here in all their
disjointed glory, for a little segment I call "Taking Out The
Trash." Here's what happened:
-Did you know there's a product
called "Liquid Band-Aid"? It comes in a tube, and you apply it to
yourself, and it protects your skin from cuts, scrapes, and burns. I
bought 78 bottles of the stuff and covered my entire body with it.
Now I'm7y invincible. Seriously, I could walk into a burning
building and emerge unharmed. You could stab me in the face with a
pointy object and it would just bounce off. I can deflect bullets.
Thank you, Liquid Band-Aid. Who wants to touch me?
-On the side of the highway there have always been these
"Deer X-ing" signs with a picture
of a deer crossing the road. These were fine. Now I see they've
added, right beside the Deer X-ing signs, a Moose X-ing sign. Like
people were totally surprised to see a moose on the road instead of
a deer, and they started thinking "Well, if it was a deer I would
have just plowed right through it. But nobody said anything about
MOOSE!" If this keeps up they're going to have to put up new signs
every time a different animal crosses the road, so pretty soon
you'll be seeing a cornucopia of x-ing signs including "Wombat
X-ing," "Homeless Man X-ing," and "Various X-ing Signs X-ing" (that
last one is for when the sign falls onto the highway).
-When you're on hold with customer service, and they tell you that
your call may be monitored, who do you suppose may be monitoring it?
My guess is it's the Commies. I bet between calls they all get
together and make fun of my technical ineptitude for hours on end,
which is why we spend so much time on hold. Somebody put that
Super-Size Me douche on this.
-Who the hell buys shoes on the Internet? Have you ever gone to the
shoe store and asked to try on a size 7 because you've always been a
size 7 and then, after trying on eighteen different pairs, you find
out that at that store you're actually a size 9? Imagine doing that
but tossing the post office into the mix. We'll find life on Mars
before anybody finds a perfect shoe fit the first time. I bet each
successful Internet shoe transaction takes longer than the OJ
Simpson trial, only with slightly less justice being served.
-McDonald's really needs to stop putting "Smiles are free" on their
menu. We get it. Your employees are friendly. Now stop defecating in
my burger and don't give me any of this "we're out of iced tea"
bullshit. I think just once McDonald's should try charging for
smiles, just to see if they'll get any takers. ("McDonald's: We're
Friendly For A Price.")
-If they really want to make
amusement park haunted houses scary, they should try putting some
Olympic-caliber women's shot put athletes in there. I looked one of
them in the eye once and couldn't pee for six days. I can't believe
they keep showing these abominations of nature on television all the
time. You can't usually see people that ugly without paying
admission first.
-I'm getting damn sick of seeing jewelry store robberies on the
news. You see the employees every time looking all shocked and
traumatized, talking to the cameras about how scared they were, and
then the journalist says it's the third time they've been robbed
this month. Goddamnit people you work in a jewelry store! You'd
think you would get used to it by now. It's like all those people in
Florida standing outside their ruined trailer homes saying, "I can't
believe my house was destroyed by a hurricane. Again."
-One of my favorite things to do in my spare time is watch the stock
quotes that come on at the end of the local news. If you read the
newspaper (and I hope to God you don't, because that would make you
an old person) you know that there are approximately 80 hillion
bajillion stocks available for purchase. And yet at the end of the
local news, they only show like four. And they always sound like
monsters in a Godzilla movie. At first I thought they just showed
the biggest movers and shakers in the stock market world, but then I
noticed that some of the stocks had moved only a few pennies up or
down, while another hadn't moved at all. So what do you think the
chances are that, while watching the local news, someone jumped up
in excitement and yelled out, "All right! My Rodan stock went up 0.8
cents! I'm getting me a new car, or at least a new cupholder."
-I got a spam email that promised to add three inches to the length
of my penis. That sounded pretty good. I got the pills, and they
worked like a charm. The next day I got two more emails, each
promising to add four inches. Those worked pretty well too. It's now
been a month, and I figure only a few more bottles and I'll have
that three-footer I've always wanted.
-Quote of the Moment: One of my friends, on body piercing: "They say
if you get your tongue pierced it makes oral sex twice as
pleasurable. So I got my dog's tongue pierced, 'cause he's always
licking himself, but he just doesn't seem to care."
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