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"Dedicated to the Memory of Paul Johnson Jr."
Now Playing: "Scotty Doesn't Know" by Lustra
By now, most college students are deeply entrenched in their
lucrative summer jobs, trying to save up enough cash to pay for the
upcoming semester/coronary bypass surgery. But life is too short for
work! So quit your summer job and spend the next month of your life
traveling around the world and, well, you know, putting the
"vacation" back in summer vacation. If you're looking for some
summer hot-spots to visit where you can party all night long and
possibly contract genital herpes, look no further. Here's what
happened:
-Your first stop on your summer
vacation destination list should obviously be everybody's favorite
country in the world, as measured using the globally accepted
"fewest invasions" scale: Canada. In Canada you can enjoy the
traditional Canadian cuisine of, um, Beavertails. They're delicious.
And don't let the name fool you, they're not really made from the
tail of a
beaver. I think they use kittens
now. While in Canada, be sure to drive up to Northern Ontario and
see Timmins, home of Shania Twain, and Thunder Bay, home of Paul
Schaffer. I think they have streets named after them or something.
Try not to get killed by a moose.
-A logical next step for you young Magellans out there is the United
States (of America)™. I strongly recommend you visit Bob Jones
University in Greenville, South Carolina. As one of the only
fundamentalist Christian schools in the country, BJU is the
University Jesus would have attended if he was a complete fucking
psychopath. If you happen to be afflicted with what Bob Jones Jr.
refers to as "a bad case of the negroes," you will not be permitted
to actually set foot on the campus itself. Instead, you will be
expected to stand around the perimeter and pose for photographs
while holding a watermelon and a bucket of fried chicken.
Hallelujah!
-From the cradle of civilization that is Greenville, it's just a
short hop, skip and trans-Atlantic plane ride to England. As anyone
who gets most of their geography lessons from the hit movie
"Eurotrip" will know, England is populated exclusively by soccer
hooligans who will murder you with their bare hands if you do not
display undying support for their particular soccer team, the
Manchester whateveryoucallems. Honestly, how the hell can there be
only one goddamn soccer team in the entire country? Who do they
play? The little leaguers? I bet every soccer game in England is
like watching the Harlem Globetrotters playing the Special
Olympians, which admittedly would be pretty funny if you were on
drugs. If you'd like to enjoy these "events," remember to pretend
you've been a Manchester somethingorother fan for at least 2 million
years, and bring LSD.
-While in London, be sure to visit Big Ben, the seven-foot Norwegian
male prostitute who works two blocks south of Piccadilly Circus (not
a real circus). Mention Text-Heavy and receive 25% off the noon-hour
massage/gerbil felching special. It's incredible. I think they named
a clock after him.
-Many people make the tactical error of
trying to backpack across Europe,
thinking that Europe is smaller than the Mall of America. Unless
your backpack can somehow fit a tent, a microwave oven and an
Xbox, you're probably going to want
to stay in a hotel. You may have read that hostels were inexpensive
alternatives to hotels, but if that were true then the hotels would
go out of business now wouldn't they? The only thing that separates
the word hotel from the word hostel is an extra "s", and that "s"
stands for syphilis. Hostel Fever! Catch it!
-By now you've probably seen all there is to see in Europe, and are
looking for a more exotic locale to spend your vacation time. I
recommend Iraq. Apparently some overcautious government agencies
(religious types mostly) have issued a travel advisory warning
people to stay out of Iraq. They're just trying to hog all the
car-bombing and looting for themselves. Apparently Expedia, which is
obviously controlled by communists, refuses to sell tickets to
Baghdad, without even THINKING about the financial damage this is
doing to Baghdad Int'l Airport's infrastructure. This summer, make
it a vacation you'll never forget with a postcard that says "I Had
Electrodes Attached To My Genitals In Basrah."
-Assuming you survived the
insurgent attacks in Iraq without being kidnapped and horribly
tortured/killed, you'll probably want to make a side-trip to the
bastion of peace and hope that is the Gaza Strip. Here you can visit
the memorial site of Rachel Corrie, the "peace activist" from
Washington who flew all the way from America to jump in front of an
armored Israeli bulldozer and then be surprised when the
bulldozer—clearly a terrorist bulldozer—failed to stop in time and
claimed the young girl's life. Curse you, you Israeli terrorist
pigs! How dare you take away the life of such a sweet, innocent,
peace-loving young girl?
-Since you're already in the Middle-Ease, this may be a good time to
head on down to Africa for a real taste of poverty and squalor. Oh
sure, the thought of seeing children dying of malnutrition and
leprosy, not to mention the fear of running head-on into a wild pack
of gazelle or, worse, Sally Struthers, might make you second-guess
the idea of vacationing in the epitome of the third world. But I bet
down in Ethiopia they've never even HEARD of Rachel Corrie. Heck,
with four million people infected with AIDS, Rachel Corrie would
probably seem like a mild irritant.
-Africa is located in one of my least favorite hemispheres (the
Southern Hemisphere), so provided you've avoided diseases and
plagues long since thought eradicated (I just got OVER Polio) you
may as well head to Australia, one of the last bastions of hope in
the world. Fully 3% of all Australians attend regular religious
services, less than any other nation in the developed world. I
assume they must be pretty busy every Sunday, watching "rugby," a
sport that combines football and professional wrestling with
hilarious results. Watching rugby, you learn the answers to all
sorts of penetrating questions like "Is he dead?" "Is that blood
coming out of his EYE?" and "How about now? Is he dead NOW?" Usually
you can't find answers to these sorts of things outside Abu Ghraib
(buh-ZING!).
-Quote of the Moment: One of my friends, on Text-Heavy getting too
political: "I don't know why you didn't like Fahrenheit 9/11. It was
a funny movie. Michael Moore didn't do anything to you. Maybe you're
just not smart enough to understand it." Yeah, that's probably it.
I'm just not smart enough to understand how much America sucks, and
how totally awesome totalitarian regimes that behead civilians and
post the video on the internet are. Spring Break Karbala! Whoo-ee!
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