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"A Division of White Castle"
Now Playing: "Holding Out for a Hero" by Frou Frou
Welcome to Beavers, where the food is always fresh and the people are
always friendly. And by friendly we of course mean "scantily clad."
Beavers is a family restaurant, and while to some we may appear to be
nothing more than a cheap Canadian "Hooters" knockoff, we assure you
that we are really oh so much more. At Beavers we believe the customer
always comes first, and we would be more than happy to show you what we
mean in the privacy of our back rooms, provided you have a hard time
understanding bad puns and haven't seen Austin Powers. So bring the kids
(but leave the wife at home) (just kidding, wives) for a fun-filled,
whirlwind adventure to Beavers. Stay away from Table 7, which we at
Beavers affectionately refer to as "the herpes table." Here's what
happened:
-At Beavers, we only employ the
finest wait-staff, as determined by the internationally recognized
"name-gender-confusion" meter for determining wait-staff finery. As
you all know, the most attractive and capable women in the world
have names that, only a few years ago, belonged exclusively to guys
of the male persuasion. Our intense hiring process ("Beaverhunt") is
designed to find only girls named "Charlie," "Bobbie," "Jamie,"
"Tonie," etc. When parents give their baby girl a name like that,
you just know they're setting the kid up for a successful career at
Beavers. Under no circumstances will we hire anybody named
"Laquanda."
-All successful Beavers employees are required to demonstrate the
Beavers spirit. Selected candidates will vie for a position through
a series of spirit-testing exercises such as limbo, trampoline,
hula-hoop and oil painting. This screening process assures You, the
customer, of quality Beaver regardless of which one of our 307
locations you visit. To ensure consistency, prior to their first
shift, all Beavers girls must submit to 500 minutes of indoor
tanning or melanoma, whichever comes first.
-Beavers is, above all, a family establishment, which is why we have
included a number of activities tailored specifically for children.
These include, but are not limited to, The Big Screen TV That's
Always Playing SportsCenter, The Urine-Soaked Corner, and BrickLand.
(Brickland to be replaced by Playland summer 2008 pending removal of
20,000 bricks and mysterious hypodermic needles.) Beavers also
boasts an impressive Kid's Meal, which includes a grilled cheese
sandwich and a Bud Light.
-At Beavers we cater to the fast-paced, on-the-go lifestyle of the
modern businessman. Stop by for one of our "Express Lunches" and see
what we mean. We guarantee your order will be ready in ten minutes
or less. We'll do whatever it takes to make sure you're not late
getting back to work. We'll undercook your burger if we have to.
We'll take food off someone else's plate and serve it to you. We'll
call your boss and tell him you were in a horribly disfiguring car
accident and will therefore be taking the rest of the day off to
recover and/or die. Beavers is not responsible for job termination
resulting in prank telephone call to boss. One prank telephone call
per person, per visit. Some restrictions apply. Like if you work for
the mob and you want us to prank call a guy named Guido who's
waiting for a cash drop in a phone booth in Montana, we probably
won't.
-Another one of the great reasons to come to Beavers is the enormous
amount of charity and community service work we are involved in. For
instance, every year we host the annual Miss Beavers beauty pageant,
where our beautiful servers compete for the title of Miss Beavers
while we attempt to avoid litigation from the Miss Universe pageant
people on the grounds of blatant copyright infringement. It's a good
time for all those involved, and the winner even gets a glazed ham
(while supplies last). After the competition, all bikinis worn by
the contestants are auctioned off to various perverts on Ebay, with
proceeds going towards charities like "The Boys and Girls Club,"
"Big Brothers and Big Sisters" and "Miss Universe vs. Beavers Inc.
Settlement Fund."
-Beavers is committed to
maintaining it's status as an equal-opportunity employer. This is
why we welcome all persons over the age of 15 to apply, regardless
of race, religion, sexual orientation, or ethnicity (no fatties
please). A lot of people feel that it is wrong to exploit
15-year-old girls by parading them around a bunch of drunk, ogling
single dads. But just remember: If we didn't hire these girls to
work for us, they'd just hang around in the park doing drugs all
day. And then the single dads would have to go there under some
false pretenses, like walking their dogs, to ogle. Is that really
good for society?
-Much like other food-service establishments, Beavers relies on your
tipping generosity to help put our servers through nursing school.
We're not sure why every single Beavers employee attends nursing
school. Quite frankly we have never seen a nurse as beautiful as our
waitresses. Maybe it's that grotesque, key-lime outfit they make
nurses wear these days, because nobody would go so far as to wear
something that hideous just to impersonate a nurse. Or maybe it's
that our waitresses never graduate from nursing school because your
tips just aren't generous enough. Come on, people! Loosen up those
wallets! You don't want to see what happens when a Beavers waitress
reaches retirement age (24). All that indoor tanning really starts
to take its toll.
-Have you ever seen those Beavers waitresses that are too old to be
Beavers waitresses? You know, the ones who have stretch marks from
numerous childbirths, and their buttocks aren't as taut as all the
other Beavers girls? The ones who you just KNOW are wearing Depends-
brand adult diapers underneath their bikini briefs? The ones whom
you're afraid might forget to unhook their colostomy bag when they
get off break? No? That's because at Beavers, we only hire buxom,
nubile girls and when they start to get ugly we fire them or have
them eaten by wombats. It's the Canadian way.
-At the end of the day, Beavers is all about the food. And to help
you select from our award-winning cuisine, we created the Beavers
menu. Our menu, which to the untrained eye appears to be a cocktail
napkin smeared with ketchup stains, also appears that way to the
well-trained eye. Don't miss one of our many belly-laugh-inducing
"joke" menu items, like "50 Chicken Wings and a Bottle of Chardonnay
for $299." Ha ha ha! How's that for some gut-wrenching hilarity?
Nobody would order that item because it's really expensive. Get it?
And our menu has DOZENS of zingers, just like that one, mixed in
with the real items. Because at Beavers we truly believe that
laughter is the best medicine, and you're all very very sick.
-Quote of the Moment: The sound of a thousand readers collectively
wondering: "Is this for real?"
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