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"See In-Column for Details"
Now Playing: "Beyond the Sun" by Country Time Synergy
Everybody loves contests. Except maybe Jehovah's Witnesses. I'm
pretty sure they're not allowed to participate in contests, under
Witness code 450(b): "Thou shalt not partake in programs of a
contestual nature, nor shall thou accept gifts of gold,
frankincense, myrrh or big-screen TVs from others who have
participated in said contestual programs." But everybody else loves
contests, particularly if they involve little to no skill on the
part of the participant. Many of you are probably overwhelmed by the
many possibilities of FABULOUS PRIZES afforded to you in our
capitalist economy, and would like a guide to simplify your choices.
Here's what happened:
-A few weeks ago the lottery system
over here changed. It used to be that you paid a dollar, picked 6
numbers, and if you got them all right you'd win about 8 million
dollars. Terrible odds, huge payoff. Now, they've raised the price
to TWO dollars, but they've also raised the jackpot to like 20
million. Is this not the ultimate in human greed? I can't believe
that there was someone out there who was writing complaint letters
to the lottery people like "8 million dollars is... pretty good. But
I'd gladly pay 2 dollars if only you could make it worth my while."
-Of course, the thrill of playing the lottery pales in comparison to
the amazement and wonder of scratch and win tickets. Man, those are
AWESOME. You ever see the commercials for these things, where a
woman is playing scratch and win bingo in line at the bank, and then
she wins and screams "BINGO!" loud enough that everyone drops to the
floor? That could be you. Except instead of being in line at the
bank you'll be in line at the welfare office, and instead of a bingo
ticket you'll be holding a bottle of Jack Daniels you stole from
your more attractive and more successful sister while she was out
"for a midnight stroll," whatever that means. But don't let that
stop you from causing a scene.
-It's been a long time since I've gotten an official-looking letter
in the mail claiming I may have already won an amount of money
greater than the GNP of one of those bullshit countries nobody cares
about like Estonia or Christmas Island. It's too bad. Those things
were like getting court settlements delivered right to your door. I
wonder who finally sued the pants off those scammers' backs, not
that I'm implying they wore pants on their backs or anything. I bet
it was the same guy who made the lottery cost 2 dollars.
-You ever see a contest or a prize that says "no purchase
necessary"? Why the hell would I buy their shit, then? Heck, I may
have already won.
-Everybody knows the gambler's Mecca is Las Vegas. Problem is, for
you to do any gambling you have to put up with Las Vegas' themed
casinos. For example, they have a Paris-themed casino, containing a
2/3-scale replica of the Eiffel Tower, and a New York-themed casino
containing a 2/3-scale replica of Ed Koch. I don't understand why
they keep coming up with themes of places you can go to that aren't
Las Vegas. Why make a Paris themed casino when you can just go to
Paris? They should make themes you can't get anywhere else, like a
Moon-themed casino, or Heaven. Those would be awesome.
-I think we're getting to the point where there will soon be a
market for a Las Vegas-themed casino in Las Vegas. It will be a
miniaturized version of everything you see in Las Vegas, including a
2/3-scale replica of a 2/3-scale replica of Ed Koch (you can use him
as a Monopoly piece.) The feature show will be an Elvis Impersonator
Impersonator. Then my Heaven-themed casino won't look so stupid by
comparison.
-Quote of the Moment: A guy sitting
at the blackjack table beside me: "It's a good thing the Mafia don't
[sic] run the casinos here anymore, or I'd have had my thumbs broken
by now." The thing is, the guy had maybe
$25 in chips in front of him, which
means either (a) he was illegally counting cards and still losing or
(b) he seriously thought the Mafia would care about someone cheating
at three dollar blackjack. I should have broken his thumbs for being
such a goddamned idiot, but I hear that's bad luck.
-I have never, ever, EVER won a door prize. You know when you attend
an event or catered function and they give you these little raffle
tickets as you go in and then while you're lining up for cold cuts
the Emcee yells out "TICKET 002587725 WINS A FABULOUS $25 GIFT
CERTIFICATE TO ARBY'S!" and everybody cheers like he just won the
Nobel Peace Prize, and the douchebag stands up and screams "OH MY
GOD OH MY GOD I CAN'T BELIEVE I WON I NEVER WIN ANYTHING!!!" and
you're afraid he might go apoplectic (assuming you bother to look
that word up)? That's never me. It really pisses me off and I don't
even LIKE Arby's.
-Radio call-in contests are even worse. Whenever the DJ says he'll
take caller 15 I always wonder if there's anybody out there who
actually waits to dial in ("13 mississippi 14 mississippi 15...").
What's the point of taking the 15th caller, or the 9th caller, or
the 187th caller. Why not take the first caller who, through a
complex combination of good timing and powerful call-blocking
technology, manages to actually not get a busy signal? How much
would it suck if the one time you called in to a radio contest and
DIDN'T get a busy signal (the call-blocking technology must have
been in the shop) the DJ picked up and said "Congratulations on
getting through, but unfortunately you're caller 14." That might be
enough to make me look up the word apoplexy again.
-I don't think there's an area of the law that could use more
fine-tuning than the "skill-testing question." The next president
will be the one who finally addresses this issue. If you win any
sort of prize, even if the total value of the prize is equivalent to
50 cents off a McDonald's small fries, you are required by law to
complete a test of skill before your glorious Freedom Fries™ can be
claimed. This question will surely be a hum-dinger, which is a term
you don't hear often enough these days. You may have to consult your
old college textbooks and spend months creating a detailed report
before you can answer this challenging test of skill. When all is
said and done, you'll feel less like a contest winner than a man or
woman who's EARNED those fries. And if you ever get stuck just guess
"15." The answer's almost always 15. God bless America! Bush/Cheney
'04!
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