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Now Playing: "Crazy in Love" by Beyonce Knowles and Jay-Z
People ask me: How do you come up with
ideas for a column, week after week? Well, one of the sweetest things
about writing a column like this is that it requires, besides a severe
lack of judgment, me to go out and experience things. It's easy to write
about things that happen to me. It's not as easy to sit at a computer
and make up juvenile jokes like some other internet shut-ins I could
mention. Some people don't believe that everything I write about is
real, which is probably fair since I'm a pathological liar by nature,
believe me. Here's what (may have) happened:
-The other day I turned on the radio to
my favorite station, KOOL FM, for my daily Britney fix. Much to my
chagrin and appall, I found that my favorite radio station had been
dismantled and replaced with a much inferior radio station: BOB FM. BOB
FM doesn't play Britney, it plays Hotel California THREE TIMES IN A ROW.
I have no idea what happened, but my best guess is that sometime during
the night a man ("Bob") who REALLY liked shitty-ass synth tunes from the
80s (did somebody say "Barracuda"?) stormed into the KOOL FM building
and seized the turntables, possibly following a violent struggle. Who is
Bob? What does he want me to do so I can have my station back? It's been
3 days and I still don't have an answer. This shocking turn of events
got me so depressed that I headed for McDonalds.
-Frequent readers of this column know
that I am culinarily impaired, and therefore eat out a lot. It's pretty
rare that I eat at McDonald's, though. It's hard for me to pinpoint the
reason. Maybe it's because the food is expensive. Maybe it's because the
food, even when it's spittle-free, is so toxic the employees actually
receive WHMIS training. Take your pick.
-You know how the ads for the McDonald's
sweepstakes always say "see in-store for details"? Well, don't bother.
They don't have any details. Let's face it: If a highly-paid McDonald's
advertising executive doesn't have the details, what are the chances of
some pimply-faced Disheartened Hostile Smiling McDonald's employee who's
working there so he can afford another dime bag having them? That's
what's wrong with the world: Nobody has details.
-On this particular day, I elected to eat
at McDonald's because I had been issued a coupon for one free Big Mac
with the purchase of a drink. This, to me, seemed like a fair and
sensible deal. I wasn't expecting a problem, until the Disheartened
Hostile Smiling McDonald's Employee submitted this week's Quote of the
Moment: "I've never seen this before. What is it?" Seems I found the one
non-participating McDonald's Restaurant in North America.
-I've never worked for the Recently Evil
McDonald's Corporation, so I can't say for certain what the cost to them
would be of a free Big Mac with purchase of a regular-sized fountain
soft drink, but if I were to harbor a guess I'd say the loss probably
won't keep their children from going to college. But when I tried to
explain this very sensible and not-at-all insane concept to the
Disheartened Hostile Smiling McDonald's Employee, he blinked a few too
many times and then said the only thing I can think of that could top
his previous Quote: "I'll have to ask the manager." Nothing is more
humiliating than holding up the line while the McDonald's crack
forensics team analyzes my coupon. I should probably also mention that
this particular McDonald's restaurant had the radio tuned to the All-New
BOB FM.
-After a few minutes, the manager, a
16-year-old boy I used to beat up in high school, came over to see me.
He had clearly been hardened by years of people trying to pass off
counterfeit coupons, and was hell-bent on keeping me from obtaining my
Free Big Mac with Purchase of Regular Fountain Soft Drink. He accused me
of causing a disturbance. I tried telling him that if I really had the
motivation and cunning to make my own coupons, I would at least have the
sense to make the drink free as well. Unfortunately, I was so worked up
that the only sounds I could produce were a few yelping noises, followed
by a shriek of defeat and the sound that coins make when you throw them
as hard as you can in the direction of a Disheartened Hostile Smiling
McDonald's Employee. I had essentially been blackmailed into purchasing
a Big Mac.
-With the matter of the coupon peacefully
resolved to its inevitable win-win conclusion, I proceeded to place my
order. Here's a transcript: ME - "I'd like a Big Mac meal with an iced
tea." CASHIER (smiling) - "Is that for here or to go?" ME - "For here is
fine." CASHIER (smiling) - "Alright, what will you have?" ME (irritated)
- "I told you. A Big Mac meal with an iced tea." CASHIER (smiling) -
"Would you like to Super-Size your combo for an extra 59 cents?" ME -
"No thanks." CASHIER (smiling) - "And was that for here or to go?" ME
(agitated) - "For here! Goddamn you!" CASHIER (smiling) - "And what
would you like to drink with that?" ME (smiling) - "The blood of your
first-born, if it's fresh." (the blood, not the kid)
-You may be wondering why I did not, as
any other sensible God-fearing person would have done, flee the
restaurant as quickly as I could. I guess I just wanted to see how the
whole thing would play out. I was starting to think that the
Disheartened Hostile Smiling McDonald's Employee and his prepubescent
boss (AOL screenname 'l33tpr0nseXy') were going to accuse me of
kidnapping Mayor McCheese before the day was through. I don't even know
what I would do with Mayor McCheese if I did somehow get him locked in
my house, but I imagine it would have something to do with creating
false coupons.
-I have to stop going to the movies.
Every time I'm at the theater, I meet someone I haven't seen for years
and don't want to talk to. So I always make a dive for the bathroom, but
it never works, and then I end up in some horribly awkward conversation
about why I hadn't spoken to them in so long. ("Hey, you! I remember
you! Fuck you!")
-And, finally, I went to the hardware
store and wanted to pay for my purchase with a $100 bill. They told me
they couldn't accept 100s because of the high counterfeiting rate. I
told them that I knew that MY 100s were ok because I made them myself.
They didn't laugh, and continued to refuse my money. So I gave them fake
20s instead. Hell, at least they didn't give me trouble about my
coupons.
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