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"Now With Even Less Feedback"
Now Playing: "Toxic" by Local H
It has been brought to my attention that many of you have dreamed of
having that classic college party, as demonstrated in classic
college movies like "Animal House," "American Pie 2," and at least
three episodes of "Undergrads." I understand many of you do not know
how to go about hosting a party of this caliber in your own home
and/or parents' basement. Well, fear not! As a veteran college
student with many years of proverbial partying under my belt (the
belt is what's proverbial, the parties were very real) I have
prepared this guide to help you on your way, like that P-Wing
Princess Toadstool gives you at the end of the first world of Mario
3. I always wasted that P-Wing, and it haunts me to this day. Here's
what happened:
-Pick a Night: The first
step in planning a party is also one of the most challenging. Be
sure to pick a night you know all your friends will be available.
Since every college student in history is the
busiest person in the universe all
the fucking time, you'll probably want to wait until people aren't
so burdened by classes, such as the weekend or, preferably, late
August. Alternately, you can choose an "off-beat" time for your
party, such as Tuesday morning, so you don't have to compete with
all the other college parties that are oh so much better than your
pathetic get-together. Hey, nobody said it would be easy.
"When properly positioned, the blacklight will show the exact
locations you've been having sex."
-Send Invitations: Gone are the days when people had to send
out formal invitations with RSVP written in calligraphy on them that
were delivered by lone horse-riding rogues living in huts in the
wilderness, not unlike Kevin Costner in "The Postman." God I hated
that movie. Anyway, these days people "in the know" send out
E-vites. Basically what you do is you change your IM screen name to
"KEG PARTY AT MY HOUSE THIS FRIDAY COME YOU ASSHOLES!!!!11" for the
week before the party. Don't worry, you can change back to your
original name, "BURN IN HELL DUBYA YOU ELECTION RIGGING FUCKER" as
soon as the party's done.
-Get a Keg: Since your IM name promised a keg, it's time for
you to make good on that promise and get one. You wouldn't want
people to think you're a dirty liar, would you? You don't want
another incident like that time you were 13 and your mom caught you
at the computer with your pants down and you had to tell her it was
because a bully stole your belt and also gave you an erection...DO
YOU? Didn't think so. Unfortunately, nobody really knows how to go
about obtaining a keg. They don't just sell them at the local liquor
and baby needs store. This is why you must learn to do the keg
dance, as well as make a symbolic offering to the keg fairy, so that
on the day of the party she will bless you with a keg of beer and a
bill for a keg of beer.
-Install Wheelchair Ramps: Due to the result of several
costly lawsuits, it is now considered politically incorrect to host
a party without appropriate accessibility features. You never know
who might show up to your kegger. Heck, it could be some old war
veterans with no feet or, worse, Asians. Bow-legged Asians with
rickets, even. You're going to want to implement some massive home
renovations before your guests arrive, a la "Extreme Makeover - Home
Edition." If your landlords give you any guff about installing
wheelchair ramps on their property, just break their legs and wait
for the thank-you's to start rolling in.
-Prepare Music: So you
thought you'd get away with merely popping in a CD from your
collection? Shame on you. Next to a bountiful supply of free alcohol
and loose women, the
music you select will be THE
deciding factor on whether your party is a success or whether people
run out screaming, cupping their ears, and desperately trying to
forget the words to Bonnie Tyler's "Total Eclipse of the Heart."
Luckily for you, you can create your very own party mix by browsing
through past issues of Text-Heavy and downloading all the "Now
Playing" selections. Your party's sure to be a hit with all the
ladies and you can send me a note later saying "Text-Heavy got me
laid." I'd like that.
-Alert your Neighbors: This step is particularly important if
you live in my neighborhood, which has an unusually large population
of children and the elderly, both of whom go to sleep no later than
6:30pm on any given night. By giving your neighbors a polite
"heads-up" that you're having a party this weekend, the entire
community can get a jump start on drafting that proposal for
eviction. Be aware that, if you are having a college party and the
decibel level even APPROACHES "Baby Crying" or "Squeaky Toy Held
Close to Ear," the neighbors will notify the police. This is why it
may also be a good idea to remove the dead prostitutes from your
hall closet, although since you're expecting company that may be a
good idea anyhow, now that I think about it.
-Coat All Valuables with Harsh Chemical Corrosive: Let's face
facts: you're going to have strangers in your house as a result of
this party. Oh, sure, you'd LIKE to tell yourself that it will just
be a small group of your close friends getting together for some
classic Dungeons and Dragons fun, but we both know better. Yes,
there will be strangers in your house, and they will attempt to
steal your stuff. There's no way to avoid it, but there is a way to
make the shitheads pay for their thieving ways, and that involves
coating all your valuables in harsh, permanently skin damaging
chemicals. Remember, nothing says "I'm sorry" like forcing someone
to have a body part amputated. Damn you Christine I want my watch
back. You don't even need it now that you ain't got no arms.
-Create a Female-Friendly Atmosphere: While the guy persons
at your party will be perfectly satisfied with the traditional party
activities like drinking beer, chugging beer, funneling beer, and
playing Halo 2, you have to remember it's not a party without girls.
That's why you need to come up with some activities that girls like
to do. For starters, I recommend: "Sip on Vodka and Diet 7-Up
Contests," "Talk About Shoes For Way Longer Than Necessary," and
"Topless Pillow Fights." Actually that last one is really for me.
-Purchase Mood Lighting: Many novice party hosts
underestimate the importance of proper mood lighting towards their
party's success. Many a shindig, and even several hootenanies, have
been ruined due to inappropriate light. Thanks a LOT, Thomas Alva
Edison! Life was so much simpler BEFORE you invented the lightbulb.
Now I've got something ELSE to think about! I hate you. You're not
my real dad! Whew, sorry. Suppressed memory kind of slipped out.
Anyway, the backbone of any college lighting scheme is the
blacklight, which, properly positioned, shows off the exact location
where you've been having sex. And don't even TRY saying you just
washed your sheets and those stains must be fabric softener and not
ejaculatory fluids. Nobody's buying it for a second.
-Punch the Monkey: You can't have a party without Banana
Bucks. Trust me on this one.
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