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"'Adequate' Raves Newsweek"
Now Playing: "Zion" by Fluke
When it comes to failing at love, I have more experience than a
Candace Bushnell fan club (booya!). And since brevity is the soul of
wit, which is a phrase I'm sure you've all heard before but probably
didn't know was from Hamlet, here's what happened:
-Where do people who don't drink go on dates? You can't take them to
a bar, a party, a bar mitzvah, nothing. It must just be dinner and a
movie every night until you get married. (Incidentally, dinner and a
movie is a BAD idea if you're dating the blind.)
-I could have made a "blind
date" joke at the end of that last paragraph but I
didn't. And people say I show no restraint...
-Which brings me to the topic of today's moderately amusing column:
"Do Not Date This Girl." (Brought to you by Yogen Fruz.) The column
that identifies and then proceeds to demean various girls whom even
Internet nerds should keep away from. (This means you.) (Just
kidding.) (Or am I?) Here we go:
-Exhibitionist-Girl: This girl shows promise when she's all
over you at a party, but if you take the bait a few months down the
line you'll find out she only did it on a dare from her
way-bigger-than-you boyfriend Pedro. You will be further shocked to
discover that Pedro videotaped the whole event and now you're one of
the most downloaded people on the Internet. Way more than me. Avoid.
-Foreign-Exchange-Girl: This one seems obvious to most sane
readers, but you'd be amazed how many people fall for the trap of
dating someone you will never see once they go back to their home
continent. Oh sure you might carry some romantic notion that you'll
both move away together, but if you actually find yourself moving to
a different continent you'll discover everyone there is disease
ridden (South America, Asia), flamboyant (Europe, "Australia"), or
both (Africa). I might not be
getting that summer job at the UN
but it'll be worth it if you Avoid.
-LiveJournal-Girl: What is there to say about a girl who
posts the color that most resembles her mood on a public forum every
fifteen minutes? If the girl of your dreams keeps a LiveJournal you
can bet she's not only telling her friends how small your wee-wee
is, she's writing terrible poetry about it and publishing it for the
world to recoil. The only reason to ever approach someone who keeps
a LiveJournal is to beat them with a socket wrench like an Arabian
throw rug. Avoid. And God I hate LiveJournal.
-Bisexual-Girl: Sounds sexy,
doesn't it? If a girl tells you she is bisexual it does not mean "I
am attracted to women as well as to men." It means: "I am attracted
to women more than I am attracted to you." Bisexual-girl will cheat
on you after two and a half banana daiquiris and all your friends
will make fun of you because you were dumped for some cooter—which
let's face it is a pretty funny word. Ugh, Avoid.
-Allergy-Girl: Oh sure you think it's cute that she's
allergic to peanuts NOW. But a few months down the line you'll be
enjoying a delicious "Oh Henry" bar, or perhaps a tasty Yogen Fruz
low-fat smoothie, and you find out that when they say "this product
may contain traces of nuts" it really means "you just killed your
girlfriend, you card." Unless you can afford a costly funeral and
burial service I say Avoid.
-Home-Schooled-Girl: If a girl was home-schooled it means
she's either terribly religious or allergic to the sun. And while
there might be some appeal to having a preachy, fundamentalist
vampire type to share those special moments with, it's usually just
not worth the therapy bill. I mean because she probably has some
issues to sort out, not because she might get a gang of Cambodian
midgets to molest you in the name of the Egyptian sun god Ra, and
you'd try to get away but end up getting run over by lemurs, and
that's why you were in therapy. But you probably already assumed
that. Definite Avoid.
-Varsity-Athlete-Girl: Besides the obvious "she could crush
me like a twig" angle, there are many reasons to avoid dating a
varsity athlete. First, her sport WILL be more important than your
relationship. Second, you will be the woman and she will be the man.
And third, after a big game her cooter will smell like a dead fish
in an old sock. And since you're never going to get that simile out
of your head I guess that's a big Avoid.
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