>>> Text-Heavy
By staff writer E.E. Southerby
Volume 69 – February 22, 2004
“The #1 College Resource On Dwellings and Dwelling-Related Phenomena”
Now Playing: “Adagio for Strings” by William Orbit
Hello boys, girls and gender-nonspecific transvestites! I hope you're all enjoying Text-Heavy at Points in Case, and showing your appreciation by clicking on and purchasing from the many convenient banner advertisements found on this wonderful site. I personally make it a point to purchase an item a week from every banner ad I see, especially if it's for an item I actually USE, such as monkey punching and shocking devices. Ever since this column arrived at it's new wonderful home, I realized I don't know a great many of you readers out there. Tell me your likes and dislikes! If there's some aspect of college life you'd like to see hilariously lampooned, send me an email at [email protected]. I'll be delighted to hear from you. And now, without further ado, here's what happened:
-It's around February that college students have to make a very important and/or life-altering decision that will most certainly alter the entire rest of their lives for at least the coming year: Where to live. You really only get two choices in the matter, on-campus dorms or an off-campus house. There is also, I suppose, the option of living at home with your parents while you go to school, thus saving thousands of dollars while enjoying all the amenities and free food. Needless to say, this last option is a terrible idea that is absolutely guaranteed to ruin your social life, and should only be attempted by tightwad losers like that jerk Morton Liebwitz. God, he is SUCH a loser.
-You'll notice that nowhere in the preceding diatribe did I mention fraternities and sororities. That's because, at my school, they have been banned. I was told it was to prevent hazing and excessive binge drinking on campus, but I think I know the real reason: The dean of housing was rejected from Alpha Sigma Pi his freshman year, and man that guy can hold a grudge. Damn you, Morton!
-So you have to choose whether to live on or off campus next year, but you just can't seem to come to a decision? Here's what you do: Take a sheet of paper and draw a line down the middle. Then, on the left, write “On-Campus Pros and Cons”, and then on the right, “Off-Campus Pros and Cons”. Then ball up the piece of paper and hit yourself with a blunt instrument for wasting your valuable time and paper, since I'm obviously going to list out the pros and cons for you in the forthcoming jokes. Honestly, what's wrong with you?
-When you live on-campus, you get all the convenience of always being a short walk from class, plus you never have to cook or clean thanks to cafeteria ladies, janitors and campus hobgoblins. The downside is you have to live in a room the size of a walk-in closet and eat the same food they airdrop to diseased orphans in Ethiopia. One big plus is you'll get to meet lots of interesting people who will live right next door to you, so you'll never feel alone. Sadly, when I say “interesting” I really mean “smelly and weird”, and you'll probably want to kill them all by the end of the first week. If massive school-related genocide sounds like your idea of a good time, then on-campus living may be for you. Watch out for hobgoblins.
-Off-campus living is quite different. Chances are, you'll be rooming up with some of your closest friends, so you know what you're getting into. Statistically speaking, -3% of all friends who choose to become roommates remain best friends forever, while the remaining 103% wind up never speaking to each other ever again because SOMEBODY used an egg from somebody else's egg carton and then promised that they'd replace it but now it's been a full MONTH and still I haven't seen a new egg. That's right, I'm looking at you, Andrew. If you don't want to become a statistic, assume that you have terrible taste in picking friends and choose roommates you hate so much you wouldn't want them giving you CPR even if you were unconscious and they happened to know CPR. You'll get along great.
-Another consideration when choosing to live off-campus is location. If you're used to waking up 4 minutes before class begins and still getting there on time, you're going to have to snort a lot of cocaine to help you get away from that frame of mind. Off-campus people have to wait at the bus stop, often for hours, just to get to class. That is, of course, unless you happen to have a car and the disposable income to drive to school every morning, in which case I strongly suggest you send me an email as I would like to arrange to become your roommate. I don't care if you live in a different city. It would be worth it to live with someone who has a car.
-Most off-campus people have a limited choice in the quality of their dwelling. Not many people can afford a nice, decent house in a nice, decent neighborhood that doesn't regularly feature gunfights or stolen vehicles. Given the current economic downturn, plus the fact that college students spend twice their tuition on textbooks and alcohol, all we can afford is a studio basement apartment in cracktown. It's not as bad as it sounds, though. At least we have a readily available supply of crack.
-Quote of the Moment: I know someone who was looking for a new roommate as soon as possible, because his other roommate had moved out on him unexpectedly, and he wasn't going to be able to make rent. So I asked him why the other roommate had left, and he answered nonchalantly: “He caught me having sex with his girlfriend on his bed.” At first I thought it would be a terrible idea for me to move in with someone who would betray his roommate like that, but now I'm reconsidering. Sure, he might be a total jerk. But I hear he has a car.
-Last Saturday night, I wanted to stay home and watch COPS, but all my roommates wanted to go out and party. So, as usual, we came to a compromise: We went out to party. That way, everyone's happy.
-On our way out to party, I was walking outside with one of my roommates when we got stopped by the police. See, my roommate was drinking a beer as we were walking, which is a clear violation of the ‘Open Bottle Law'. He got a $115 ticket, which kind of ruined the night. I thought it was ironic, though. See, I wanted to stay home and watch COPS. Instead, now I'm going to be ON COPS. Seriously, next Wednesday on FOX. You'll know it's me, because I'll be the only felon who's not an ethnic minority.