The Messengers - How can I attend class when clearly there is
information vital to life being updated every second on the internet?
Between Wikipedia and Google, I’ve a wealth of misinformation to sort through
and little time to do so. Sorry, Financial Management, but K-Fed is remixing his
album. I promise to visit The Wall Street Journal’s online edition
though.
The Visitors - There’s clearly no time for class now since all of my
friends are doing something else. Sure, I could catch up with them later, but
that’s not now is it? I mean, shouldn’t every moment be seized and shared
with loved ones and/or people more interesting than organic chemistry? College
isn’t just about classes; it’s just as much about social bonding as it is about
covalent bonding. Speaking of which, are either going to be on the test?
The Strangers - Is that Victoria from high school? No? Well, I had to
follow her long enough to know for certain, or at least long enough to qualify
for my “Stalking
Merit Badge.”
The One (of Many) - He could be the one person you’ve been dreaming
of. She could be the savior of the human race. In fact, this person could just
be someone so hot you lose track of time eye-molesting them. If you’ve ever been
late for class because staring at someone was well-worth walking out of your
way, you’ve spotted The One.
The above is what happened after I ran into one of The Ones earlier this
week. Proof that conversations lead to tragically written observations. And now,
The Tabloid…
Your
Mom Says Hi
(She's a lady. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa.)
This week’s letter is from Eric who, like many readers, is from the Internet.
Eric asks, What’s the story with your column, man?
Sometimes you’re serious and other times its [sic] all sarcastic. Pick something
and stick with it.
Thanks, Eric, for your comment. Here’s the deal with the column:
Desperate times
call for desperate measures. After phoning in my
debut articles, I came to the conclusion that typing while having unpaid
Clinton-era interns “polish my fine silver” won’t cut it for you, the
PointsinCase.com reader and humor connoisseur. It is in the spirit of
reconciliation that I apologize… for reading your feedback while intoxicated.
For the uninitiated, allow me to set some things clear, as there’s a chance
my column lacked the gravitas of season one of My Super Sweet Sixteen.
There was talk that I had some articles ghost-written whilst I was out spending
my FEMA check on a lifetime supply of Old E and a six-pack of hookers resembling
my favorite cast members from 7th Heaven. I’ll admit I’m sad
to see the show go, but I’m sure I’ll find another show that satisfies my fetish
for abusing the one-eyed stepchild over shows with Christian overtones. I’d like
to thank you in advance for your support during my time of need.
Of course, not everyone has been supportive. But to hear someone say that my
writing lacked punch because I did not overtly use dick jokes and predominantly
crude humor simply cut me to the core. My world was thrown into disarray until I
realized Eric had somewhat of a point. Hell, I’ve shat funnier material on his
mom’s chest (thanks for the memories, Karen).
Despite the punch I appeared lacking, the truth is that I’m not wholly
incapable of employing such humor. I simply try to avoid it. The point is that I
can be funny without being crude. My goal is to write something that makes
you actually think a little while laughing. Of course, the style of this
response is likely what you’ve been on the edge of your seat for. In the event
that you weren’t holding on tightly, I congratulate you on spotting hyperbole,
you asshat.
Look, it comes as no surprise that the world is in a state of chaos.
Honestly, shit has truly taken a turn south, and we’re all in for the downward
spiral to oblivion. Alright, maybe I’m just describing the lack of decent
cleavage in primetime television, but you have to admit, things aren’t exactly
pristine globally (or nationally for that matter). Of course, the world has
always been like this, but it’s never too late to remain aware of what happens
when people shut off their ability to think. Call it a refocusing. Call it
“Excelsior.” In regards to my writing inspiration, you can call it an epiphany.
I don’t care what you call it.
The truth is, there’s a lot going on in the country and desperate times call
for honesty, liquor, and a shitload of Q& A sessions between the average person
and whoever’s holding the shaft that’s screwing the populace. I may not have the
answers, but I’ll gladly help ask the questions. Perhaps, I have seen the light.
I’d thank God or Jesus, but that’ll only spoil the surprise of my Grammy
acceptance speech. Listen, if you’re expecting something less than satire or
thought-provoking editorials, click another link. Also, feel free to leave a
comment. I value them. Though if you don’t play nice, I recommend hiring an
anesthesiologist—my responses might hurt a bit.
The
Gospel According to Google
(Formerly "Words On A Page")
No news at all. Seriously. Nothing happened this week. But since you asked
nicely…
Spinach Deemed Health Risk After Popeye OD’s From Weeklong Veggie Bender
Now that spinach is out of the way, my secret plan to destroy broccoli shall
be set in motion. If I were a certain green vegetable… I’d hope my stalker were
more specific in his descriptions. Seriously though, I’d question the arugula.
They’ve been trying to set spinach up for a fall since spinach signed with
Subway back in ’99. Envy jokes anyone? No one? Good call.
Pope Offends Muslims During Speech; Announces Mel Gibson As Lead In “The
Crusades XI: The Batshit Continues”
So much can be said about the violent history of religious expansion that no
two-inch column can do it justice. Of course, the warlike nature of Muslim
Jihads overshadows the bloodshed of the Christian Crusades in present American
media. Pope Benedict XVI targeted concepts broader than simply Muslim violence,
yet a secular world such as the present may view the Church’s history and find
its rhetoric too hypocritical to swallow with ease.
Bin Laden Suspected Dead; NSA: Please Stop Asking For Evidence
With widespread reports have been released stating that terrorist leader and
amateur video talk show host Osama Bin Laden is dead. At the time of this
writing, there has been no conclusive evidence found; however, spokesman for Bin
Laden says absolutely nothing. What do you think he’d say? “Osama? Oh,
dude, he’s been dead for a bit. We just had everyone thinking he was around
shooting videos. We actually have an amazing hair and makeup guy. He worked on
Broadway until he was fired from the set of Cats.
Southern
Discomfort
(This week’s Southern Discomfort has been moved to my humor blog, “Before
and Aftermath.” Stay tuned as it will return here at its regularly scheduled
space at the bottom of the column.)
For other random musings and previously unpublished columns, check out the
old editions of
Before and Aftermath.
