Point and Counterpointless, Vol. 2

Finally someone out there wants to debate the most important issue most likely to affect American lives since the “Ho-down versus Hoot-nanny Lincoln/Douglas Debate of 1843. Frankly, you’re the only person who truly cares what the party is called. All that matters to your “guests” is that drinks are cheap (read: free), the things that can break aren’t theirs, and with enough luck (read: “refreshments”) they might leave with a chance to star in a Valtrex commercial. Basically, you should just call it an STD commercial casting-call, or “open bar” for short.
 

My boyfriend was recently invited to an ex-girlfriend's wedding, but he hasn't decided on whether he should go yet. Am I crazy for wanting to go with him?

-Wedding Crashing in Santa Cruz
 

You’re not crazy for wanting to go with him, you’re crazy because you’re a woman, and that’s how you’ve been raised to act. If you weren’t already pitching a shit-fit when he uttered the word “ex-girlfriend” I’d assume you probably dropped a Xanny sometime in the hour beforehand. Barring that, the word “wedding” should put your mind at ease a bit, since she’s definitely off the table for good now (that was your boyfriend’s favorite position to her have sex with her by the way). What you’re craving now is a concrete sense of closure. When the pastor says, “You may now kiss the bride,” you’re secretly hoping your boyfriend’s long-term replacement will shove his tongue down her throat and perform some kind of sloppy, disgusting French kiss that will ruin every ex-girlfriend fantasy he ever hung on to. Also, it’s natural to want to make sure she’s not skinnier, prettier, or bigger-boobed than you. Otherwise you’re gonna have to go on a diet, wear more makeup, and schedule an appointment with your local plastic surgeon when you get home.

As Court said, you’re certainly crazy; however, I’ve known crazier. I have a friend who went to a private party featuring his ex-girlfriend, the guy she dumped him for, and another of her former ex-boyfriends. I was expecting other cameos like an appearance by Chuck Norris and (crossing my fingers) “The Fonz.” Sadly, no such luck on either. No worries though. It may have been crazy for him to voluntarily show go, but life is best when at its craziest. I recommend you channel your particular brand of crazy and make it a wedding to remember. You know, until your own.
 

How do hedgehogs have sex?

They don’t. All hedgehogs are, in fact, virgins. Sega was the first to use the hedgehog as a part of the U.S. government’s “Abstinence Across America” program, designed to prevent the spread of AIDS in the early 90’s. Sega’s game was underwritten by the government until 1995, when studies showed that video games themselves were enough to curb sexual appetite in most males. But yeah, hedgehogs won’t be around much longer.

What ratio of guys to girls officially makes a party a sausage fest?

Technically speaking, 4:1, although things may begin to get awkward at 3:1 because when everywhere you look three guys are hitting on the same girl, it starts to feel a little too much like a giant version of Elimidate.

After catching my girlfriend masturbating with a cucumber, I started comparing her vag to a salad-shooter. Now she's pissed at me for making the joke. Was I wrong to mock her girl-on-veggie action?

Was your goal to eliminate the chance of ever watching your girlfriend masturbate again? Because you definitely accomplished that, genius. Next time you catch your girlfriend in bed with anything besides another man, immediately either take off your clothes and offer to participate, or take off your clothes and begin to masturbate. You’ll have plenty of time to make all the “veginal canal” or “cumcumber” jokes you want later—now is the time to take advantage of the situation, not embarrass the owner of the only 2-3 holes you have to look forward to every night.

What's worse: drunk-dialing, drunk-texting, drunken IMs, or drunk facebook messaging/wall versus inboxes?

-Missing the Message in Medford
 

Drunk dialing beats out Facebook messaging for the worst honor, but only if you’re leaving drunk voicemails, because unfortunately, your mouth doesn’t come with a backspace key, so on the off-chance (80%) that you blurt out something you really, really wish you could take back 2.4 seconds later, SORRY BRO. Drunk texting is your safest bet, especially if you’re using predictive text, since something like “You are so sexy please come over right now” will look more like the cryptogram “You ask soap sox please contribute overlord rigged now.” And if you’re not using predictive text, I’d imagine you won’t get much farther than “ynt atjrnb spx” before yelling, “FUUCKKK THISS THING!!!” and throwing your phone in the nearest lake.

Do deaf people make noise during sex?

If you’re asking about two deaf people having sex with each other, I would ask you this: “If a tree falls in the woods and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?” The important thing is that they still focus on mouthing things like, “Your pussy feels sooo good,” “Fuck me harder!” and “Just scream if this hurts and I’ll stop.” Here’s a tip though: if you’re ever fingering a deaf chick, don’t just go at it with two stiff fingers ‘cause all she’ll get is “U, U, U, U, U, U.” Instead, alternate between three stiff fingers (middle, ring and pinky) and two (index and middle) so you’re saying “FU, FU, FU, FU!” Or just make a fist, start pounding her out, and tell her you’re a snake: “SSSSSSSS.” Nothing like some good ‘ol American Sign Lubage.