Beer’s Suggestion Box

Beer,

You make me pee too much. One time I had to pee so bad I peed inside a girl while having sex. Peeing with a boner sucks.

Thanks,
Bradley Chippanaw


Beer,

You should come in a million-pack! That’d be totally fucking sweet!

Totally fucking sweet,
Allen Waters


Beer,

Stop tasting like ass. Be more like flavored vodka.

Totally blah,
Every female high school sophomore ever


Beer,

Buddy, you gotta stop making me hug the loo. I think I have Syphilis. Again.

Death to the Duke of Norfolk!
King Henry VIII

Liquor’s Suggestion Box

Flavored Vodka,

Stop making me wake up with cum in my hair.

Seriously,
Tri Delts


Whiskey,

You should revamp your marketing style so that when I sit at home alone sipping you my friends don’t get worried.

I hate life?
Old Guy


Rum,

Whenever I drink too much of you I feel like wearing an eye patch and robbing boat shops with a parrot on my shoulder that only speaks in vulgarities.

Keep it up!

Love,
Allen Waters


Everclear,

Wzeufd fdybdeeu kequifd doxmsa anorep ween pnwk uwghc o wyfuref lwifhj fvlqpw

Call 911,
Jhgmor


Liquor,

You should come with an extra empty bottle so I can pour half of you into it and then water each of you down then feed you to sorority girls who don’t know the difference and just want a scapegoat to be justified whores.

Sincerely,
Male Collegiate


Gin,

There is absolutely nothing good about you. Stop poisoning my tonic water.

You’re like a homeless guy that’s gotten used to his repulsiveness.

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Go away,
Allen Waters

Friday Night’s Suggestion Box

Dudeseph,

Cab’s need to have mini bars. And boobs. A bunch of boobs just, like, on the windows and shit. Get on it.

Drunkenly,
Allen Waters


Friday,

If you were a person and not an abstract measurement of time, I would ask for your hand in marriage.

No joke,
Allen Waters


Bro,

You should have, like, places that serve weed brownies, but don’t let cops come, or my mom.

Let’s get blazing!
Stoned Bro Numero Uno


Dude,

You have, like, three of my credit cards, two pints of my blood, and about eighteen pairs of my athletic shorts. Cough ‘em up.

Now.
Allen Waters

Drunken Penis’s Suggestion Box

Drunken Penis,

Work! Get off your lazy ass and come to life you mother fucker!

Frustrated,
Allen Waters


Dear Fuck Head,

You think this is a fucking joke? Do you not see how hot this girl is?! Hurry the fuck up!

Andele!
Allen Waters


Worthless Piece of Skin,

Dude, I think she just felt you. You need to get hard as fucking rock before she investigates further. Now or never baby, come on!

We can do it!
Allen Waters


I Hate You,

I got in your head, did I? Pressure too much for ya? I had two condoms and lube ready for fucking anything, dude! She was getting freaky on me! I have scratches on my back and a left nut waiting to be emptied! Not cool!

That’s it—I’m lying to the doctor again. You have lost your freedom. I decide what’s good for you now.

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Viagra time, bitch.
Allen Waters


BFF,

Don’t know if it was you or the little blue pill, but that was awesome and I would totally fuck you if that were possible.

Talk to you again in the morning.

Round two, biotch!
Allen Waters