Dear Gay People,

First off, can I call you gay? Should I say homosexuals, or is gay alright with you? Maybe "fudge-packer" or "scrotum-swallower"? Whatever, gay works for now.

We hate gay people because they love to shop and they care deeply about how they look.It’s clear to see that over the years, you guys have been subjected to much hostility, specifically for the fact that you are, for lack of a better word, a biological glitch designed to tarnish the human race. And while I realize that sticks and stones can break bones—and, I recently discovered, under-developed fetuses—I hope that you take none of the hurtful things said about you personally. But there is one thing I want to clear up as to why every heterosexual guy in America scoffs when a group (herd? gander?) of you walk by. It’s not because you’re gay. We do not hate you because you’re gay. We hate you because you act like women.

In a sense, being gay could be kind of cool. I mean, there are entire bars dedicated to you guys getting laid, and you never have to worry about knocking some chick up. However, it does suck that the CIA invented AIDS to kill you guys off.

Gay guy getting blowjob
This part? Totally cool. I mean, fucking gross, but nothing that hasn’t been done plenty of times before.
But please, I don’t want gays to think that they are hated because of their homosexuality. There are billions of women on Earth who enjoy as much—if not more—cock than you do and they are openly welcomed by society. Hell, if you guys want to put a big, throbbing, dick in your mouth (*shudder*), all the power to you. I honestly couldn’t do it, so you’re stronger than me there. The last time I went to the emergency room the doctor stuck his finger up my ass and I still suffer from posttraumatic stress disorder. There are people that get pleasure from fucking midgets covered in maple syrup, so I can’t really judge you for licking the occasional cock.

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So now that we’ve established that the general population doesn’t despise you for being gay, we should move on to why we do hate you. In all honesty, we hate the fuck out of gay people because they act like women. Gay people are men that act like women, does anyone else see a problem with that?

Gay guy acting feminine with his girlfriends
This part? Totally uncool. Biggest waste of a penis ever.
We hate gay people because they gossip and bring drama. We hate gay people because they love to shop and they care deeply about how they look. Does anyone realize how annoying that is? When you see a man—a human fortunate enough to be blessed with a long, swinging weapon-of-a-penis—who acts like an annoying plastic bitch? Why would anyone like a person like that?

And the crying. Dear God the crying. The revolting idea of a testosterone-fueled guy pouring out his emotions onto someone else’s pathetic shoulder makes me sick to my stomach.

We hate gay people because they steal women away from us. But not in the cool, "your girl likes my dick" kinda way; in the "let’s stay up all night talking about who we think is cute" way. Why the fuck would a straight guy enjoy someone taking a girl away from them? We hate it when girls do that, and we hate it when gay guys do it.

So please, gay people, don’t get upset when we call you "fag-holes" and "dick-chokers." We don’t hate you because you cover your face in semen. Hell, it probably tastes good (*shudder*). We hate you because you act like the most annoying species on earth: women. I’m even willing to bet that if you acted less like women, you would be more respected. You can suck dicks and still just chill like normal dudes. Help me help you. Please just act a little more gay, and a little less like women.

Silence Dogood.

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