>>> Bang for Your Buck
By staff writer David Nelson
February 24, 2008


Essential New Word of the Week: Pocketlawyer (definition hint: portable counsel)

If you work in an office, there’s a good chance your life is a soul-crushing exercise in futility and compromise. There are, however, a few bright spots on the calendar that can numb the pain, at least temporarily. I’m talking about long weekends. To the average worker-drone, these days are precious…like photographs of smiling babies dressed as fruit.

I recently had a long weekend, which I spent in its entirety at my girlfriend’s place. For a selfish, emotional man-child such as myself, this is kind of an achievement. I mean, that’s 72 straight hours of not playing video games and remembering to lift the seat. But the notable part about my stay happened when she asked me to get her an aspirin from the night table.

I think I can be forgiven for expecting to see something salacious. If teen sex comedies have taught me anything, it’s that most women keep vibrators in the night table, leading to hilarious mishaps when their visiting grandmothers mistake them for cooking utensils. But, in this case, there was nothing. And come to think of it, as long as we’ve been dating, I haven’t seen so much as a suspiciously-bruised cucumber.

“Play-Doh is probably the ultimate toy for pleasing both toddlers and perverts.”

Unfortunately, this has nothing to do with my prowess. I may be talented, but until I develop the mutant power to vibrate at 85 RPM, I’m not going to be a match for The Pocket Rocket. My girlfriend simply doesn’t own sex toys, which is worth noting in case you own stock in Duracell. But, as an instructional therapist, she does own a lot of non-sex toys. Or, as I like to call them, toys.

It got me thinking about the silly, fun artifacts of childhood, compared with the phallic, rubbery implements of adulthood, and why the same term can apply to both. Surely a 10-inch spiked butt plug has nothing in common with, say, Rubber Duckie. Or does it?

Using my girlfriend’s collection of classic toys as inspiration, I pondered which treasured childhood memories could make the leap to perverted instruments of gratification.

Action Figures

Anything that can be inserted into a bodily orifice is potentially a sex toy. Nevertheless, the treasured playmates of our youth aren’t necessarily suited for spelunking a lady’s private parts. Not even the bravest G.I. Joe would volunteer for that duty. And I can’t imagine the patented kung-fu grip™ would be that appealing internally.

However, if they have enough jointed limbs, action figures can make wonderful sex aids. Lots of couples are eager to try out exotic positions, and there’s only so much you can glean from a poorly-illustrated, semen-stained copy of the Kama Sutra.

So go ahead and use your action figures to plan the logistics of the Reverse Piledriver. Just remember, you’re probably not as flexible as Optimus Prime, and I’m almost certain you can’t transform into a truck if your girlfriend turns out to be one of Megatron’s spies.

Mr. Potato Head

I gotta be honest, I’ve been thinking, and I can’t really come up with a useful sexual application for America’s favorite anthropomorphic tuber. In the name of sheer hilarity, though, feel free to take the various attachments, find a willing girl, and create your own Mr. Vagina Head. Now with his own realistic beard!

Slinky

Kind of like a fat person, it walks down stairs (with great difficulty), alone or in pairs (usually alone), and makes a slink-ety sound. But does that qualify it as a sex toy? Well, being made entirely out of metal, Slinky is a natural for the bondage crowd. If you’re into that sort of thing, you can wear one on each wrist, creating an impromptu set of handcuffs. (Not recommended for law-enforcement situations.)

Or, make a fetish fashion statement and just let Slinky dangle from your schlong. At best you’ll maintain a longer erection, and at worst, you’ll look like some kind of obscene futuristic Snuffleupagus.

Play-Doh

This is probably the ultimate toy for pleasing both toddlers and perverts of both genders. With it, you can craft anything, to your own body’s specifications. If you like deep penetration, it will take women only seconds to make a dildo to their liking. Those that like it wide, but not deep can just as easily fabricate proportions like a can of tuna.

Straight guys will require a bit more artistic ability, but with a little care, they can sculpt the vagina they’ve always dreamed about. It will probably be bright pink or neon orange, but that can be incorporated into the fantasy of banging an ethnic chick.

Best of all? Play-Doh is non-toxic, so if you like to eat pussy…well, you see where I’m going with this.

Yo-Yo

It can’t be a coincidence that so many yo-yo tricks sound like sex acts. For example, you might hear terms like “around the world,” “walk the dog,” and “rock the baby” in either a typical yo-yo competition or a really innovative porno.

A yo-yo is about the size of a small fist, so, um, there’s that. However, if I see a girl with a string coming out of her, my firstinstinct is going to be to escape. I’d think it’s either a tampon, or else some kind of tendril that connects her to the female Overmind. Either way, I don’t want any part of that.

Jack-in-the-box

The name of this toy alone is probably enough to get you thinking about sex, at any rate. Moreover, a Jack-in-the-box is the ultimate metaphor for foreplay. You have to turn a crank over and over in order to get to the big payoff, and meanwhile, the stupid thing won’t shut up. The next time your girl needs warming up, I say just have her sit on one of these things. Pop goes the weasel indeed.

Paddleball

I’m referring to those stupid paddles attached to balls by way of elastic strings. Strangely enough, I never knew this toy was called “paddleball,” so thanks, Wikipedia! I also learned that they’re popular among Amish and Hasidic communities, which prohibit electronic toys (and, presumably, electronic sex toys). That sounds right. I just don’t see Pennsylvania Dutch couples shopping for, say, anal electrodes.

That said, good old paddleball can spice up even the dullest relationship. Simply throw your lady over your lap, raiseth her voluminous petticoats, put that rubber ball between her two God-fearing cheeks, and spanketh that Mennonite ass until she’ll churn your butter.

Legos

An individual Lego brick is probably not going to do you much good, but get enough of them together, and you can build your very own, life-size partner! I’ve seen nerds on TV do some impressive things with Legos, and I wouldn’t put this past their capabilities.

Sure, there are some drawbacks to fucking a sex doll made of Legos. She’s going to be on the fragile side, so no rough play. She’s not going to have much mobility, so make sure you have access to whatever orifice(s) you like. And of course, your date is going to have far more pointy edges than you’re probably used to, so watch where you stick your sensitive bits. But on the upside, once you’re done with her, she’s easy to wipe clean and disassemble, so you can make a rad rocketship!

Essential New Word of the Week:

Pocketlawyer n [‘pakIt‘lojr]

I wouldn’t say I live life on the edge, exactly, and neither do most of my friends. Nevertheless, enough crazy shit occurs to us that it’s useful to know a lawyer or two. Thankfully, we do. As far as I know, none of us has ever been arrested, or even summoned to appear before Judge Judy. But there’s always a need for some free legal advice pertaining to whatever scheme one of us has thought up.

Unfortunately, our lawyer friend(s) can’t be everywhere at once. That’s why we developed the Pocketlawyer™. It’s a compact, portable version of our learned pals that we can carry around and consult on everything from tax laws to the local age of consent. Your average Teddy Ruxpin might know a dozen or so phrases, but Pocketlawyer only needs one. When you pull the string, he says, in a clear, commanding voice: Don’t do
it
.

And really, what other legal advice would you ever need?


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