>>> Points in Case
By staff writer Court Sullivan
Issue #13 – December 2001

-Did you know that if you actually read the error message on a copier, you can usually fix the problem in about 30 seconds? Sometimes I’ll be waiting to make copies and suddenly the guy in front of me will yell “fuck you motherfucker!” and start pounding on the copier in strategic places…such as the lid, or the coin/card operation. I’m like, ok dude, physical and verbal abuse might work with your fraternity’s pledges, but unfortunately Xerox did not design its machines to respond to hazing. I mean, I may not be a certified technician, but when the copier says “remove the crushed, half-ripped piece of page 6 hanging mangled just inside tray 1” there’s usually a reason…so open the tray and fucking remove it!

-One time though, I removed the jammed paper and then got a message on the copier screen saying, “The copier is recovering. Wait a minute.” Recovering from WHAT? The shock that I actually fixed it?! And what’s with the attitude?!

-I think it would be funny if library security guards took a more active role in patrolling the library, kind of like lifeguards. Then they could blow their whistles at you from across the floor and yell into a megaphone, “Don’t run with the books!” or “Stop highlighting in the reserves!” or “Sir, you’ve drifted off too far, wake up!”

-You know how every time you first meet other college kids they’ll say “Yeah, I like to (do this) and (do that) and just hang out you know?” Who the hell DOESN’T like to “hang out”?! “Hi, I’m Court, I like to play sports, drink beer and basically just stay inside and shut myself in the bathroom so as to avoid any kind of human contact in my spare time, especially any of my close friends or people that I might meet in social situations. Like you, for instance.”

-Here is a true story: One of my friends at another school wrote calculus formulas on his hand the night before the exam to help him study. Only problem was, he used a permanent-type marker so apparently they wouldn’t wash off completely before the exam. He got so nervous about getting busted for cheating that he went early to the exam and explained to the professor why he would be wearing a glove for the duration of the exam. And there’s just about nothing more retarded than wearing one fucking glove during an exam. Except if he had only had a mitten and then kept dropping his pencil because he couldn’t hold it right.

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-Sometimes I study for an exam so long that the sleep I get before it could actually be considered a “study break.” And then for the next couple of days after the exam, I usually sleep for so long that studying could be considered a “sleep break.” But I don’t need those.

-You know, credit card companies are STILL mailing me shit every day. Now they even call me saying I “haven’t used my card in a while.” Shit, I didn’t even know I HAD a card to use! But while my account’s still open, could you send me a couple more of those free T-shirts, my laundry’s dirty.

-Speaking of mail, there is some organization here at Emory that stuffs everyone’s P.O. Box with a small bag containing two free condoms and a safe sex flyer. It’s pretty funny to watch guys pull the bag out, realize what’s in it, and then cleverly slip it in their pocket. It’s even funnier to watch some girls pull it out, realize what it is, and then jam it back in their mailbox thinking it’s some kind of personal attack on their reputation.

-Have you ever gone to sleep on your desk during class and then woken up to a small puddle of drool where your mouth was? I haven’t. But if I did, it would probably be pretty funny to watch me try to smear it all over the pages of my textbook with my elbow and pretend like nothing happened. I mean, uhh…shit.

-Failed Hookup Quote of the Month: “Here! In here…the janitor just finished cleaning before the party!” From Ben T. of UF. Lesson to be learned: if you’re gonna try to ditch the party crowd for a downstairs bathroom with a random girl, don’t try to explain it to her.

-I just realized the other day that even though I’m now a junior in college, according to the pictures in my wallet all my friends from home are still in high school. I wonder if I’ll still be giving out my senior picture to girls when I’m 26.

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-The most annoying thing with cell phones now are these new “Top 40” rings. It’s bad enough I have to listen to Ricky Martin in stereo sometimes, but in fucking mono-beeping?! For God’s sake, it’s not a fucking MP3 player, it’s a cell phone! If you wanna listen to music, buy some damn headphones or something!!

-I’m also amazed at how people these days will spend hundreds of dollars on the latest video game consoles, and then spend more time playing Pong and Snake in 4-bit graphics on their cell phone all day.

-Another true story: My astronomy book got dragged and run over by a car last semester. I decided to sell it anyway this year. I explained what was wrong with it, and finally, a kid said he would buy it, but he wanted to know what kind of car it was. And as if that’s not strange enough, then I realized it was a Saturn.

-Have you ever noticed how you tend to make the exact same marks in your notes as the professor makes on the board? Every time the professor underlines or circles something already on the board, you’ll probably go back and do the same thing. Or the headings in your notes will look like ***European History*** with exactly three stars on each side because that’s how the professor wrote it. The only thing that fucks me up is when he starts using different color markers. Sometimes I’ll end up with like 15 black lines on one graph all going in different directions and I have no clue what’s what.

-My professor’s cell phone rang during class last week. Yes, this is a sign that all hope is lost.

-However, this professor later admitted that next to researching economics, his favorite pastime is “drinking himself silly.” Hope is back!