Let Me Be Your Special Needs Boyfriend

Since shattering my fourth cervical vertebrate I've received an outpouring of love, but no loving. My faithful "friend with benefits" is on the other side of the country and I'm left here in Colorado with nothing but ex-girlfriends and no hot prospects.

I've been single for the entirety of 2008, so I'm not really crying in my root beers (I'm still not supposed to drink) about the lack of companionship in my life. But, having a girlfriend has advantages, as does having a "special needs" boyfriend like me.

So I'm going to be an Honest Injun and tell you the pros and cons of dating me right now.When we're together, I'll only look at you ... because I can't turn my head to check out the other talent.

PRO

I'm a family man right now. I'm closer now with both of my brothers and my parents than I've ever been.

CON

I live with my parents.

PRO

Whatever you want to do, I'm game. Rescue me from the grips of my parents.

CON

I can't drive, so you have to.

PRO

I have nothing but time. We can talk, go for walks, visit your grandparents, shop for lampshades or any of that other shit that would torture most normal dudes. The kicker is, I live with my parents and have no means of transportation besides walking, so any chance I can get to leave the house I will pounce on--or more literally, limp slowly towards.

CON

I live with my parents. I feel like I am in middle school and grounded. I can't go anywhere on my own. I can't download porn on my mom's computer--well it's not that I can't, it's just that I won't. I'm not really supposed to drink, but I also have no means of buying alcohol. I guess I could have one of my little brothers go on a run for me...

PRO

When we're together, I'll only look at you. That's because, um, I can't turn my head to the side to check out the other talent in the area. So it looks like you're number one.

CON

When we're together, I'm relying on you not to kill me or send me back to the hospital. No matter how much of a road warrior you think you are, when your passenger is wearing a neck brace every motorist is suddenly nervous and will drive five miles under the speed limit.

PRO

Since I can't cut it myself, I'm growing out my flowing locks. I still have all of my hair. I'm growing it out. The ladies love running their fingers through the mane of manly men.

CON

Since I can't do it myself, I quit shaving. I now I have a full beard, not my usual skinny chinstrap beard. I have a three-week old moustache that is just about crawling into my mouth.

PRO

After a few brief encounters with death, I'm happier and fuller of life than ever.

CON

I can't look down, so sometimes I leave my zipper open.

PRO

I move really slowly, so I'll never run away from you.

CON

I eat really slowly, because I might choke to death if I try to swallow anything bigger than a corn kernel.

PRO

I have access to both of my brother's wardrobes which gives me a nearly endless supply of outfits.

CON

My brothers dress solely in Polo shirts and flannel.

PRO

My mom does all my laundry and cleaning.

CON

I guess I'm a mama's boy. Lately she's been trying to play dress up with me.

PRO

Badass scars cover the front and back of my neck.

CON

I'm ache-y all over.

PRO

Besides the scars, longer hair and beard, I look exactly the same as I used to: really really extraordinarily good looking.

CON

Since I can't turn my head, I turn my entire body like Robocop. So I look like a dork when you point to something not in the direct line of my vision.

PRO

Because of the massive nerve damage, much of my sense of touch has gone away. However, my sense of smell has improved dramatically and I now appreciate the glorious scents of flowers, perfume and fine bourbon.

CON

I can smell if you're "dirty" from across the room.

PRO

Thank the lord, I am one of the few spinal injury victims that can pee standing up and wipe my own ass.

CON

Since I physically can't look down, I sometimes pee all over the seat, floor or my feet. Hey, it's hard to aim at what you can't see. If you have a bathtub I'll probably just pee in that and save everybody the trouble.

PRO

I have a lot of drugs that I don't want to take. Enjoy some Vicodin!

CON

If I don't get 1,500 milligrams of Tylenol every four hours I get really bitchy. If I take Vicodin, I turn into a bitch.

PRO

I'll never ditch you to go skateboarding.

CON

I could never really skateboard in the first place.

PRO

In case you were wondering, all my parts are still working.

CON

I live with my parents; we'll have to do it at your place.

PRO

I really enjoy giving and receiving oral sex.

CON

I can only receive right now. I guess that could be a pro if you really like giving. If you really like giving, email me or Facebook message me and I'll give you directions to my parents' house. And don't be a dude.