I don't mean to bring this up, but guys, can we avoid talking about my life for a while? It's great that you're interested in my life and all, but I really am getting tired of explaining how I lost all that weight and about the time I turned down that Victoria's Secret model. For just one conversation, can we skip the chit chat about my personal record and bank account. Just one?
Sometimes I can't get Megan to leave my room. Sort of embarrassing, I know, but yes, mostly just really fucking awesome. Stop making fun of me!I mean, it's not every day somebody from my upbringing wakes up next to Megan Fox…wait, yes it is every day in my situation, because, in fact, I do wake up next to Megan Fox—whenever I want her over that is. But can you quit asking about her? Every time I'm out you guys question if she's cool in real life, if her tits are real, how awesome her tits feel, if she's fun in the sack, and if she ever gets urinary tract infections from anal-to-vaginal sex.
For the last time, the honest answers about my girlfriend Megan Fox are, yes, yes, totally fucking awesome, yes, and not yet. But really, seriously, besides having the hottest girlfriend on the face of the Earth, there's so much other shit going on in the world.
Like my start-up company finally breaking into the Croatian and Northern Indian markets. What an accomplishment. And I'm only 24 years old. I should make my next major conquest look a little harder, you guys are probably starting to think this is easy for me. Well, I don't mean to brag, but it is easy for me.
Oh, hold on talking about me and my life for a second, I'm getting a call. Okay, it's from Bobby—oh sorry, Bob Dylan. He's a close personal friend of mine, so I've got to take this. Bullshit about something besides my life for a little bit, and when I'm off the phone I'll tell you about how I beat Lance Armstrong in an Iron Man race to save Darfur. It's a quick story.
John Mayer, you suck! …Love you, bro!Phew, you wouldn't know it from the media, but dang does Bobby Dylan talk on and on. If you're curious, yes, I'm going on the Bob Dylan, Eric Clapton, Tom Petty and John Mayer tour in a month or so. I learned how to play the guitar a few months ago and wrote a pretty good album in my free time. Mostly this tour is going to launch my musical career, but also Bobby, Clapton, Petty and I are going to beat up John Mayer for a few months straight. It should be a fun time. You know, all things considered.
I don't care if you blab about my life and stuff when I'm not here, but just for now, can we please stick to other topics? Like President Obama. Did you know I advised him on a couple of speeches the other day? And he's really not as tall as he looks. Honestly though, all my rich celebrity friends are just normal people like you. We don't like being paraded around everywhere and forced to meet people just because we're famous.
So let's get back to what we were just talking about. Wait, did I tell you my book made the Times' Best Seller list? Pretty crazy right. Who would have known? Okay, what's going on with you guys? Make it short, Megan Fox and I need to go shopping for swimsuits. Big beach vacation planned with Carmen Electra and AC/DC. You probably don't want to hear about that.