Hi kids!

Are you ready for another round of…Ask! Mister! Drinker Man!

Of course you are—we spiked your juice boxes! With Meth! Yippee!

If you’re new to the program, each week we answer viewers’ questions about alcohol and related topics, like how to make a cocktail straw to the jugular look like an accident, or how to convince your pregnant ex-girlfriend to meet you at the top of a flight of stairs. Sometimes we don’t get sued! Hooray!

Horse guzzling beerWhy are people so awesomely reckless while drunk?

Well, Mr. Awesome Question Asker, that’s because ethanol—the chemical in beer that gets us drunk—makes our brain release Super Happy Fun Receptors! Isn’t that exciting?! These receptors know that when the body places itself at risk of physical danger—whether from heights, impalement, or herpes simplex II—it starts to have a Super Happy Fun Time! In fact, your body does this so well that after a night of recklessly awesome recklessness, your body often feels like it was freed from a pile of twisted metal with the Jaws of Life.

Why is there a last call?

God hates you.

My doctor said that averaging more than three drinks per day makes me an alcoholic. What should I do?

Find another doctor.

How many times am I going to tell myself I’m never going to drink on a school night?

Depends—how many days of school do you have left?

Why does my mouth taste like someone took a dump in it when I wake up after drinking?

First of all, it was nothing more than a fart gone wrong, and second, your mouth tastes like poop because it is mad at you. You body has feelings too, and when you stopped drinking last night so you could selfishly "get some rest," your body decided to secrete the essence of dung into your mouth as a punishment. Next time, you’ll know not to pass out on a party night.

Why doesn’t Facebook have a breathalyzer that only lets you use it if you’re under a 0.15 BAC?

Mark Zuckerberg obviously does not drink enough.

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Why won’t she respond to me? Yeah, hey, hey you in the greenlisten to me bitch! Fucking say something!

That’s a plant.

What’s the best way to leave a girl’s room after waking up next to her without rousing her?

Odds are no one else is awake, so no one ever has to know about it, unless that girl happens to be CINDY FROM TRI DELT! I TOTALLY BANGED CINDY FROM TRI DELT!

Why do I become Mister Super Generous Man while drunk at the bars?

Noah invented wine. Jesus publicized wine via miracles. What do they have in common? They were generous, selfless people. They devoted their lives to helping others. You could say, perhaps, that Mister Super Generous Man is Jesus’ way of working through you. Yes, the Lord truly does work in mysterious ways. Also, I’ll take a whiskey-coke.

Why does the bartender keep serving hot girls before me?

He has a dick. Get used to it.

Is there a way to tell how drinks will get me hammered? I’m tired of cringing at my text messages every morning while I skip class.

One of the best things about alcohol is that it keeps you guessing. Just when you think you’ve figured out your tolerance, alcohol comes back with a right hand jab of low blood sugar and a swift left combo of heat, sleep deprivation and low levels of B-vitamins. Yes, alcohol truly is dynamic, and no, she’s not going to forgive you for breaking up with her via text message. At least send an email. I mean, it’s just the polite thing to do.

Why are my legs and feet always so sore after a night out?

Well my friend, you might have the same disease I have, which I have come to know as When I Get Hammered Long Distances Are My Bitch. However, this particular disease can come in various forms. Other times it can include complications such as No Walk Is Too Far For These Glutes, and occasionally it presents as I Just Came Out Of A Black-Out Four Miles From The Bar We Started At And Where The Fuck Is My God Damned Cell Phone?!

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Sometimes I make out at bars with fellow girls whose names I don’t even know. Should I stop drinking?

For the love of God, no. Actually, you should call me. Because I love you. And your new friend.

Why is the line at the bar always so FUCKING LONG!? JESUS CHRIST HOW LONG DOES IT TAKE TO GET A LONG ISLAND AROUND HERE!?!!

It is Mother Nature’s way of making us yearn for her sweetest nectar, as well as be a total bitch because she is tired of having her nostrils cogged with landfills.

You would think that showing a girl your dick so she can see if she’d eventually like it inside her would be a good way to introduce yourself, no?

I think that’s pretty much the reason for gender inequality right there.

No one likes my "watchie-talkie" idea as much as I do. Wouldn’t that be fun?

Yes. Your friends are obviously not mature enough yet. Or too mature. I can’t remember. Wanna ride bikes?!

Why does keg beer taste so good?

Because there’s lots of it. Like money, beer is one of those things that, if you have enough of it, it doesn’t matter what form it comes in, because it gets you laid, makes you happy, and causes redundancy.

Why do I keep waking up in the hospital after drinking margaritas?

You have diabetes.

Won’t burning the house down cover up the evidence?

Seriously creepy.

Taxis should have mini bars.

Not exactly a question, but a valid point. I’ll allow it.

Well, that does it for this week! Tune in next time, when we figure out why fat girls think guys want to buy them drinks, and why daddy drinks so much dark-colored juice!

That is, unless the police find the bodies in our trunk! Haha! Oh no!

Seriously, don’t check the trunk.

Bottoms up,
Mister Drinker Man