As is the case with most Points in Case writers, I receive my fair share of "fan mail." I use the term "fan mail" loosely, as I’m not under any delusion that I’m someone important enough to have fans. Also because most of the people who send things aren’t fans but fucking crazy psychos who seem to think that we have an unspoken connection. Or they’re just automated messages sent from some sketchy internet cafe in India.
However, going through my inbox, as I do every so often, I couldn’t help but find myself being touched by some of the comments. Well, it wasn’t that I was being touched by the messages so much as I was touching myself while reading the messages. Anyway, I finally decided that I should probably get around to answering some of them so that you assholes will continue to read my column and my editor won’t cancel it and send me off to "retired" purgatory with the rest of the inactive columns.
Let’s start with the particularly moving ones, shall we:
"Yeah, I somehow randomly came across what I think is your blog and your twitter page (not a member of twitter yet…still unsure if I should get it since I have facebook and myspace), it had your name so I thought I might send you a facebook message and say whats up…bc like I said…still not up for the twitter thing. Maybe you can explain to me what exactly it is? I read some of your blogs…very interesting and some are very funny. Well I just recently got home from work so I’m going to bed now. Hit me back sometime!" -Brad
First off, let’s just clear something up right off the bat, Brad. You didn’t randomly come across my blog, it was the first thing that popped up on your Google search when you typed in the phrase "big boobs vagina ass." Just admit that you found me while looking for porn and I’d be far more impressed.
Second, and most importantly, why do you still have a MySpace page? Does Timberlake pay you some of that "Dick in a Box" money every time you get MySpace mentioned somewhere? Because I will mention the fuck out of MySpace if you cut me in on this.
Lastly, I don’t care that you just got home from work and now you’re going to bed. I don’t need to know the details of your life, Brad, because I don’t care. I don’t even care about the details of my own life, which is precisely why I don’t even read my own column.
Write back and try again.
"hello sweethart." -Harry
"U like a Red Rose. really I like friendship with u !" -Khuram
Congratulations, Khuram, that is the most romantic thing anyone has ever said to me. Unfortunately, your name and broken English leave me with the distinct impression that you’re not from America and I think we all know that I don’t date or trust foreigners.
"Isn’t it amazing how many different profiles one can gaze through—-far from the person they actually [k]new—then stop and say hmmm who is this person I am reading about?— thats how i ended up here reading your profile, or at least I think thats how i did— i found your writing to be honest, candid, love your sense of humor (i have one of those, but its more the padded room kind)—wish you the best in your t[r]avels." -Greg
What is this, A Jack Kerouac novel? Calm down with that connecting dash. Also, it’s never good to use a mental institution/padded room reference in a letter to a person you don’t know… unless you actually are in a mental institution/padded room, in which case I apologize for my previous remark and I hope they figure out the correct formula and dosage for your medication soon.
As for wishing me the best in my travels… I hope that isn’t a hint of your plans to take me from my bedroom to the radiator in your basement, where I will soon be chained.
"Your blogs are hilarious!" -Sean
Thanks. Now could you tell that to my 12th grade English teacher who said I’d never amount to anything and that I’d spend the majority of my life working at a minimum wage job while I fruitlessly struggled to become a successful writer?
Oh wait, that is my life. DAMN YOU, MRS. BERWANGER.
"Do you ever get propositioned online?" -Paul
Not until now, creepy.
"hi i am churnomadou jallow i am looking for a friend and i see u has a friend i love u so much i mend it u so butefell." -Churnomadou
Churnomadou, see my reply to Khurman above. But thank you for calling me butefell.
"I seriously have been trying to get a hold of you to tell you you’re like one of the funniest people I’ve ever read or heard or anything. I seriously laugh my fucking ass off at your blogs. To be clear, even though your blogs are about your life, I don’t laugh at your life, I laugh at how you write." -Christina
Nice try, Christina, but I’m not having sex with you.
Don’t let these discourage you from sending me a message, if you ever find yourself alone and lonely on a Saturday night with nothing better to do. I do actually read everything sent to me and genuinely respond to the ones I feel are worthy of a legitimate response. And if yours isn’t one of those, then who knows, you might see your own message in a future edition of this column. Then all of your friends and family will be able to see you for the creepy loser you really are!