Daft Thunk: An Open Letter to Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

I'm writing this letter to communicate some of the feelings I have over this dysfunctional relationship of ours. Things have gotten way out of hand between us and I'm really not sure how that all happened.

I renamed my cat Dusty out of respect for you, although now SHE is very confused about her sexuality.In the beginning things were great—everything was fresh, new and exciting. We started off on equal footing where neither one of us knew each other and yet I let you into my world with open arms and an open heart. Now it is true that I knew from the beginning how hair trigger over reactive you can be, but I did my best to bring joy to your life regardless. I spent countless hours working to bring laughter into your world and can't help but feel like my good intentions were met with some extreme hostility. I certainly never meant to hurt you directly but I can't help but feel that no matter what I say you always take it SO personally. Furthermore, I can't understand why you run so hot and cold, one minute professing your love for me and the next minute all out verbally assaulting me for no reason.

I have recently come to realize that our relationship is not what it should be. We have just been existing day to day but not truly bonding with each other, and I would be lying if I said that paper bag over your head didn't have something to do with it. I simply could never really get into French electronic house music without it immediately conjuring up disturbing images of televised terrorist beheadings.

Daft Thunk people with black bags on head

I'm not here to lay blame though for the troubles we've had, and it isn't my place to judge your motives or where you are coming from. For my part, and to be completely fair, my dyslexia has played a major reoccurring role in our relationship. For instance, whenever you write me to tell me how terrible I am, my mind always flips it and the only message that gets through is how terrible YOU are. When you tell me that my article is not well written but then intersperse your sentences with "ASS" and "YOU SUCK," my topsy turvy brain always makes me think your comments were really autobiographical and self-loathing.

Sketch of a guy with paper bag on his headI have always had difficulty communicating with you because of my dyslexia and thus clearly when it comes to how messed up things are between us, it's definitely not you, it's me. Dyslexia can be a very tricky thing so unless you are going to leave me a comment that simply says "Dammit, I'm mad!" I will always just reverse it and assume you meant things the other way around.

Tux person with no headI want you to know that I do appreciate your elaborate attempts to generate multiple personalities to comment under in order to drive home your point to me and my switch-a-roo brain. In today's point-and-click information age though it was just too easy for me to see through the heartfelt ruse and immediately track the comments back to your single computer ID. I thank you sincerely for taking the time to do that, Anon, especially after all the time you also took in reading my article. It really meant a lot to me that you spent that much effort trying to communicate your thoughts to me despite my inability to see anything other then a person with an internet dissociative identity disorder.

Heart thrown in trash by stick figuresRegardless of all that, I don't think I can carry on this relationship anymore. But that doesn't mean I still don't respect you or your opinions even when I can't help but always think they're wrong. I will always be grateful for the time we shared together, regardless of what you think of me. In addition, I want you to know that no matter what, I will keep trying to bring joy into your life despite all the hateful things you think about yourself....er me....wait, which is it again? I'm sorry, I keep getting confused, which is precisely why I just can't do this anymore. I'm afraid it's over.

I want you to know that I tried though, I really did. I tried so hard to connect with you on so many levels Anony. I listened to that goddamn Bobby Valentino song on repeat for what seemed like hours on end until my ears started to bleed. I beat the shit out of an epileptic person and then shoved a strobe light right in their face as they spazzed on the ground. I dressed up as Samuel L. Jackson on Halloween and ran around screaming, "The pool is closed due to AIDS!" but no one even understood, racist bastards. I went out and bought a mask from the movie V for Vendetta and proclaimed everywhere I wore it that I was just "doing it for the lulz" but again people didn't know what the hell I was talking about. I renamed my cat Dusty out of respect for you, although now SHE is very confused about her sexuality. I even went around spouting my hatred for Scientology in my best Stephen Hawking impersonation until he scared the fuck out of me with his response.

All these things I did for you, for us, in order to see things from your perspective and possibly try and save this relationship. I don't want you to think I didn't attempt to see your point of view. In the end my dyslexia won out and I simply couldn't take your comments to heart no matter what I did. I tried hard to make myself think they were really about me but my twisted up brain just kept telling me they were always about you. I'm truly sorry things couldn't have worked out for us and I want you to know that I will go on despite all of this.

I wish you all the best in your life and I hope things get better for you real soon.

As always, thanks for reading.
Andrei



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We still love you.

Don't leave us.

This had so many levels to it. At first I didn't get it at all until I dug a little deeper and realized it is a gold mine of funny references to other things.

Nicely done.

Gavin Pitt's picture

I love Anonymous! They're so covenient, the way they have no identities, so the cops don't ever quiz me about those strange noises coming from the dry well in my basement...

Dammit I'm mad
I didn't get that at first.
Clever!

Grasshopper's picture

I think i caught some dyslexia from you because when i first read "and it isn't my place to judge your motives or where you are coming from." i misread motives as mother and it seemed the funniest insult i think ive read. But maybe im a bit retarded. Anyway, funny stuff.

Andrei Trostel's picture

Welcome to my world Grasshopper. That kind of stuff happens to me in person all the time and my mind just runs wild with it. Invariably, I then realize that I just missed the next three sentences said to me and my mind snaps back to reality. ;-)

I see you have anticipated my existence entirely. This would seem surprising, except that it is general knowledge that bad comedic timing has a time-lapse effect. Crickets predict the weather in this same manner.

I see you take a particular fascination with the collective "anonymous." Yes, one could say my existence is trite, being varied degrees of hollow, cowardly and passive-aggressive. Reading this was like reading my brother's autobiography, a mirror into the vacuity of the "soul" so like myself, an ephemeral entity which I ought to have, but that the doctor has been unable to palpate. I had him try several times.

It is me. Yet, not quite. Not quite.

Andrei Trostel's picture

It's easy to predict the predictable.
So how's the weather down in Sarasota?

;-)

Alas, it is balmy and on the damp side. My ass-basketry may seem like errant stupidity. Yet I have indicated that my presence is teleological. In due time. In due time.