The Idea of the Apocalypse Has Never Been So Wrong

Oh God, I wish the world would have just ended instead.

The stench and filth of the dark city alleys made it difficult to breathe, but it was in these narrow passages where I could increase the distance between us. It had just rained too, which would make it even harder for him to turn corners on the damp and slightly oily asphalt. Nobody should have to live like this, constantly on the move, never being able to stop, it just isn't normal, but then who the fuck knows what's normal anymore? I chant my new mantra in order to keep my breathing rhythmic and even. I can't afford to pass out from exhaustion, not now, not when he is so close behind me.

"There is no rest for the wicked."

"There is no rest for the wicked."

"There is no rest for the wicked... "

I hardly notice the pain in my legs any more from all the running. Over the last few months my body has come to terms with the fact that I am now a runner. I used to joke with people that "I only run when being chased, or eat something that doesn't agree with me." Now I can't even remember why anyone ever even remotely thought that was funny. It fact, it has been exactly six months to the day that I've even heard the sound of laughter.

It was all those people in Times Square, laughing at me, laughing at how wrong I was, laughing that I misinterpreted what I was 100% sure was absolute fact. I couldn't understand it at the time, because it wasn't the math I was wrong about, it was the translation. I had the dates all right, but what was actually going to happen was all wrong. As I turned a sharp corner, almost slipping myself, I go over it again in my head like I have done countless times before.

The idea of the "Rapture" is a reference to the "being caught up" referred to in 1 Thessalonians 4:17, when in the End Times, the Christians of the world will be gathered together in the air to meet HIM. "Rapture" is derived from Middle French rapture, via the Middle Latin raptura ("seizure, rape, kidnapping") from Latin raptus, "a carrying off." The Koine Greek text of 1 Thessalonians 4:17 uses the verb form ἁρπαγησόμεθα (harpagēsometha), which means "we shall be caught up" or "taken away," with the connotation that this is a sudden event. The dictionary form of this Greek verb is harpazō (ἁρπάζω). This use is also seen in such texts as Acts 8:39; 2 Corinthian; and Revelation 12:5. The Latin Vulgate translates the Greek ἁρπαγησόμεθα as rapiemur, meaning "to catch up" or "take away." English versions of the Bible have translated rapiemur in various ways: The Wycliffe Bible (1395), translated from the Latin Vulgate, uses "rushed."

The Tyndale New Testament (1525), the Bishop's Bible (1568), the Geneva Bible (1587) and the King James Version (1611) have "caught up." The New English Bible, translated from the Greek uses "suddenly caught up" with this footnote: "Or "snatched up." The Greek verb ἁρπάζω implies that the action is quick or forceful, so the translation supplied the adverb "suddenly" to make this implicit notion clear."

But I know now that they were all wrong, it wasn't Rapture, it was Raptor. I know, because I can feel his hot acrid, rancid breath on my neck this very moment. My mind turns back to the Book of Isaiah.

"There is no rest for the wicked."

"There is no rest for the wicked."

"There is no rest for the wicked... "

I can hear the all too familiar clicking of his razor sharp talons on the pavement. The sound of his grunts and odd vocalizations not far behind me seem deafening. I turn my head to see just how close he has gotten, which would be my final mistake as I trip and hear my ankle actually SNAP! At least I know now that the running will be over with, not to mention everything else.

As I lay prone on the ground and wait for the inevitable end of my days, I run the translations again in my mind as the events finally unfold. The Raptor is now upon me. The Raptor rushes me. The Raptor has caught me. The Raptor has seized me. The Raptor is coming. I am suddenly drowning in what can only be described as millions and millions of year's worth of pent up prehistoric semen.

It is at that instant that I realize that my actual final mistake was the mistranslation of the word "coming," and the sudden awareness that no one in the world could have ever prepared for this.

The Raptor comes at the End of the World on Oct 21

See also:


Raptor Jesus will save you from your sins. Or rape you from what I gathered here.

Andrei Trostel's picture

Yeah, everyone says the Latin translation of the Bible is called "Vulgate" because the translations made the book accessible to the common people of ancient Rome.

Vulgate...from vulgar, which also means of or pertaining to the common people...or making explicit and offensive reference to sex or bodily functions, morally crude, undeveloped, or unregenerate...like Velociraptor Bukkake for instance.

It's all in the translation.

;)

Andrei that was riveting!
I was on the edge of my seat and had no idea where you were going with it.

During the middle part I was all like come on that stuff isn't true and then I Googled it! How weird is it that all that stuff is true? LOL!!!!

I'll never be able to think of Bible translations again without giggling like an idiot.

You sir are crazy, but in a good way and I love it.

(^_^)

Andrei Trostel's picture

It's funny, I almost took some of those Bible translations out, because it gets a little much in the middle there, but I think it is kind of hilarious that in every language it could still be interpreted as a Raptor coming.

Thank you so much for reading and for your comment.

;)

It's the end of the world as we know it...
It's the end of the world as we know it...
It's the end of the world as we know it...
And I feel fine!

Big surprise.

It's guys like Harold Camping who make literate people who READ their Bibles look like a bunch of idiots.

P.S. Another great one, Andrei, as always!

Andrei Trostel's picture

Yeah, I don't think too many people were really losing any R.E.M. sleep over this one, especially after the first one...and the one before that.

Harold Camping is a nutter.

As always, thanks for reading and for commenting.

;)

GE's picture

hilarious

Andrei Trostel's picture

Thanks Weijore.

FYI the word Rapture isn't even in the bible.

GE's picture

I think you missed the point

Andrei Trostel's picture

Well, check out freakin' Sherlock Holmes up in here who has found the linchpin argument of why there isn't going to be a Velociraptor cumming on their face anytime soon. Bravo!

But wait, The Old Testament was written in Hebrew and the New Testament was written in Greek, both of which were translated into English as best they could be. So technically NO English words appear in the Bible, including the words Rapture, Bible and Christianity.

Therefore by your elementary and brilliant deductive reasoning, the words: Rapture, Bible and Christianity all must be not based in any actual reality and thus be a complete bunch of crap.

On the flip side, if you accept the ideas of Christianity and the Bible regardless of those words not actually appearing in the Bible, then you must also accept the idea of The Rapture and the possibility that it was mistranslated from Raptor. That mistranslation could mean that in the future a Velociraptor might actually be cuming all over your face when you least expect it. I mean there is more evidence of that actually happening than anything else since Velociraptors are known to be real...they've found tangible proof.

You might want to pray or something, not that it will do any good, because Velociraptors are Atheists. You see, Velociraptors are well aware that man created the idea of God, because Velociraptors predate man...again, they've found tangible proof.

Missy K's picture

I have never baked so much in my whole life... I have no soul. There is a void where my soul should be. My neck feels like it's about to snap. And I still have so many dishes left to clean. No amount of mass effect can help today. This is how I spend my holidays!!!! :D

Andrei Trostel's picture

Huh, that's weird Missy, I've always thought of you as someone who baked pretty much all the time.

;)

Missy K's picture

shut your whore mouth. I could bitchslap betty crocker. Man I gotta stop hanging out at the bad side of town.

i'm sorry for calling you a whore. You know I love you (as a friend.)

Andrei Trostel's picture

"Man I gotta stop hanging out at the bad side of town."

But then how are you going to buy your weed for baking?

:P

Missy K's picture

I don't put WEED in my baked goods!
just a little bit of marijuana... ;)

Andrei Trostel's picture

Missy, I've always thought you were smokin'. :P

Missy K's picture

aww that's so sweet of you to notice! Want to bum one? seventy dollars.

Andrei Trostel's picture

I only have to pay seventy dollars to set you on fire?!
Wow, that's a steal! :P

Missy K's picture

It's ok. I set plenty of things on fire.

Alrthough i'm sure theres a jewish joke to follow what you just stated....

Andrei Trostel's picture

"I set plenty of things on fire."

I bet you do. They make creams for that I've heard.

Not the antisemitism...the setting plenty of things on fire part.

:P

Missy K's picture

They do make creams for it but it keeps coming back!!! no matter how many faith hill songs I sing to it!

Andrei Trostel's picture

You might want to try something other than:

"You Stay With Me"
"You're Still Here"
"Baby You Belong"

Just sayin'.

:P

Missy K's picture

I tried to sing to it
There You'll Be and that one from titanic and NOTHING helps

Andrei Trostel's picture

Try "Free" while applying more cream. :P

Missy K's picture

It rubs the lotion on it's skin

Andrei Trostel's picture

That's an unfortunate association.

Do you really want people to think of a "dry well" when they think of you?

:P

Missy K's picture

they probably already do :( hahaha

Andrei Trostel's picture

Haha A dry well that almost nobody escapes from. :P

Missy K's picture

I was going to type out a joke about me giving birth to the little girl in the well from the ring, but that's a paradox so crazy your mind would explode.

Andrei Trostel's picture

Don't you think it's ironic that now that Daveigh Chase is all grown up and hot that most people would want to tap her well? :P

Missy K's picture

haha it actually is.
My grandma and your grandma sitting by the fire. My grandma said to your grandma i'm gonna set your flag on fire.
Happy Thanksgiving :)

Andrei Trostel's picture

Sorry for all the scorn, thanks for the corn.
Didn't mean to abuse, here have some booze.
In order to remit, how about a nice blanket?
Sorry we got out of hand, but thanks for the land.

Happy Thanksgiving Missy!
;)

Missy K's picture

That's a nice rhyme.
You should become a rapper... MC Andrei. I can't legally drink the booze though. No harsh feelings about the land. We taught ya'll how to paint with all the colors of the wind. Today my part native side gets pissed :( But my white side loves it :) !

Andrei Trostel's picture

I wrote it just for you Missy.

If you don't want to be "pissed" then definitely don't drink the booze.

You know, being a mix, you are quite literally the epitome of love for Native Americans.

;)

Missy K's picture

That's so sweet. You don't have to try and make up for your people raping my land and stealing our women-- did I get that wrong? I didn't have any alcohol, i'm illegal remember? But anyway, we're cool now as long as we get to use your farmland for our "mystery crop circles" and get free nachos from taco bell :)

Andrei Trostel's picture

Haha! You know, I'm not going to lie Missy, when I typed that "epitome of love for Native Americans" sentence I was thinking in my head, "Oh man, I hope her distant Native American relative wasn't raped or something and THAT is why she is a mix...that would really suck as far as my sentiment goes." :P

Missy K's picture

That isn't why i'm a mix! My ancestors definitely wanted each other. Do I look like the product of a rape to you?!

Andrei Trostel's picture

Well obviously I didn't think that or I wouldn't have typed the original sentence, but after I hit "post comment" I had this really awful thought that maybe I just stuck my foot in my mouth in a really big way. Haha! :P

Missy K's picture

I actually have no idea how it happened. But somewhere along the line, a Native and a whitey had a kid. And then more whiteys married more Natives and here I am. I don't think I look native at all, more white than anything. I think you look french and Russian. But i'm probably wrong about that :D

Andrei Trostel's picture

Haha! Well I hope you have a little more than "no idea" how it happened. :P

Nah, I can see it in you. (wait, that sounds worse than I meant it.)

I'm half Russian, part German, a little Irish and believe it or not a tiny bit Native American, but not enough to get excited about in the least.

I speak a little French though.

Missy K's picture

I'm not that naive ok I know how it happens... I just like to think that my ancestors loved eachother and weren't raping everyone.
hmm?
That's a cool mix :D I speak a little french too. And some spanish, some italian, and some hindi... I used to have a lot of free time.

Andrei Trostel's picture

You have no idea "how" much I've been resisting making a "how" joke. :P
I'm sure it was all legit and loving, otherwise you would be really weird and crazy as a result...oh wait... HAHA! Just kidding Missy.

Yeah, I know all the swear words in different languages too, but I'm not counting those.

;)

Missy K's picture

You can be crazy and still not be the result of a rape. I'm not talking about just swears. You french speaking bastard. I think it would be cool to work at disney word as that french girl who always reads stuff...but then i'd have to give up shaving :/ Maybe I can be that greek one from hercules. Bitch wore purple. I love purple :)

Andrei Trostel's picture

So you know you are crazy then? :P

You mean all the dirty words too?

It's interesting that you didn't pick Pocahontas as the Disney character you could be, given this thread's conversation.

Incidentally purple is actually my favorite color.

Missy K's picture

Yes all the dirty words too ;D I can't be Pocahontas. I'm too light :/ If I got a tan i'd end up looking like a cast member on the jersey shore. Plus I have brown hair.

Purple and light blue are my favorites!

Andrei Trostel's picture

A little bronzer, a little hair dye and voilà, Pocahontas...or maybe just Snooki.

Purple and light blue...the color of a deep tissue bruise. :P

Missy K's picture

don't compare me to that whore. Now sit in the corner and think about what you've done.

Andrei Trostel's picture

You think Pocahontas was a whore?

Shame on you Missy.

What would your ancestors say?

:P

Missy K's picture

I mean to put disney world.

Andrei Trostel's picture

I didn't really think it was that mean. :P