>>> Casual Misanthropy
By staff writer JD Rebello
September 19, 2004


I’ve written three, maybe four, five if you push it, columns this year about the sorry state of TV. Let’s face it, TV is awful. But then, everything sucks now. Music sucks. (Apparently every pop song nowadays involves Usher.) Movies suck. (Except for Garden State—see it. Stop reading this and see it.) People suck. (You already knew that.)

But TV is pretty reprehensible. Last week, Comcast installed my cable and gave me an offer for digital cable. “Why?” I asked. “Why should I pay more for more crappy channels? Besides, I use a black box anyway.” My next column will be in 5-7 months.

By the way, I’m mentioning Comcast not as advertising but to straight up tell you that Comcast sucks royal deek. Their customer service is horrendous. Seriously, if you have a problem with Comcast Cable, ’tis better for you to urinate on your TV whilst tickling a chicken, because Jorge Poo on Line 3 ain’t gonna do much more for you. Over the summer, Comcast randomly decided to purge 25 of my channels, roughly half of the channels I receive. That meant I went the better part of the summer sans FX, Comedy Central, ESPN Classic, and the History Channel (i.e. the only four channels actually worth watching on a regular basis). In exchange for this malfeasance, Comcast offered me a $10 break on my $50 bill. Huh? If I’m losing half my service, how is offering me 1/5 compensation going to matter?

I have no reason to tell you this, no joke to add, but it’s important for me to write out these lingering hatreds so the big vein in my head doesn’t explode across my computer screen. Where was I?

Okay. The Emmys. Like the VMA’s, a celebration of crap. I actually considered doing a running diary of the 2004 VMA’s, but stopped watching at the ten minute point because my brain was about to pay homage to “Scanners.” Here’s how far I got.

8:00 – I hope Shaq tears some cartilage.
8:04 – Where the fuck is the host?
8:11 – This is utterly terrible.
8:13 – I bet less people are watching this than read Ask Nicole.

One low blow deserves another.

Back to the Emmys. TV sucks, so an award show celebrating that suckitude must inherently suck. Who knows? Anyway, here are my predictions, for gambling purposes only.


Best Supporting Actor, Drama

Victor Garber, ALIAS
Brad Dourif, DEADWOOD
Michael Imperioli, SOPRANOS
Steve Buscemi, SOPRANOS
John Spencer, THE WEST WING

Umm, gee I’ve only seen the Sopranos. Alias is only good because of Jennifer Garner. Brad Dourif should go back to voicing Chucky. I guess in the Sopranos parlay, I’ll take Buscemi, because he took a shotgun to the face, and it looked pretty convincing.

PREDICTION: Buscemi


Best Supporting Actress, Drama

Robin Weigert, DEADWOOD
Tyne Daly, JUDGING AMY
Drea de Matteo, SOPRANOS
Janel Moloney, WEST WING
Stockard Channing, WEST WING

Again, I’ve only seen the Sopranos. I don’t menstruate so adios AMY. I always thought West Wing was overrated. Quick tangent alert: I don’t know how many of you know Drea De Matteo, but she was Adrianna on Sopranos and ratted out Tony and the gang. She’s also on that Joey travesty. But is she not busted? I always thought so, but my roommate Brian thinks she’s “gorgeous.” Seriously. Maybe I’m wrong. But then, this is the same kid who labeled a girl in our old dorm “Cute Girl” who looked like the personification of a whale fart. I guess nothing accounts for taste.

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PREDICTION: Drea de Matteo


Best Supporting Actress, Comedy

Doris Roberts, EVERYBODY LOVES RAYMOND

Kim Catrall, SEX AND THE CITY

Kristin Davis, SEX AND THE CITY

Cynthia Nixon, SEX AND THE CITY

Megan Mullaly, WILL AND GRACE

I do enjoy Raymond, but I’m sick of that show winning awards. Megan Mullaly is the one semi-watchable aspect of that Will and Grace fagfest. In the Sex and the City three-way parlay, I’ll stick to my sexist guns and pick Kristin Davis, oh so boneable on that show. Tangent alert: I was watching Sex and the City with my mom, and my dad walked in. He called me a tool for watching a chick show. I pointed out the hotness that is Kristin Davis and he sat down to watch the entire show. You don’t understand, my dad doesn’t watch anything but hockey and World War II in color on the History Channel. The fact that Kristin Davis kept him interested in a chick show for 24 minutes is very much worth a statue in my book.

PREDICTION: Kristin Davis


Best Supporting Actor, Comedy

Jeffrey Tambor, ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT

Brad Garrett, RAYMOND
Peter Boyle, RAYMOND
David Hyde Pierce, FRASIER
Sean Hayes, WILL AND GRACE

Raymond gets trumped because, as I said, I’m sick of it winning awards. I’ve never seen Arrested Development because I owe it to my brain not to subject it to FOX. (I’m doing mental exercises to prepare for the baseball playoffs.) Sean Hayes is a flamer in real life and a flamer on that show, so that’s not much of an acting job. I’ll go with Niles, although he could never top Eddie in the acting department.

PREDICTION: Niles


Best Actress, Comedy

Patricia Heaton, RAYMOND

Jennifer Aniston, FRIENDS

Bonnie Hunt, LIFE WITH BONNIE

Jane Kaczmarek, MALCOLM IN THE MIDDLE

Sarah Jessica Parker, SEX AND THE CITY

You know how I feel about Raymond. If you think I’ve seen Life With Bonnie, you haven’t been paying attention or you think this is Beech’s column. The last season of Friends sucked. Sarah Jessica Parker is way too hit or miss in the hot department (she couldn’t hold a candle to Kristin Davis, who was like the ’27 Yankees on that show). I’ll go with the mom from Malcolm. I know, I know. The FOX principle. Fine, don’t give an award. No more best actress. Set the feminist movement back a couple of years. See how I feel.

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PREDICTION: Go fuck yourself, I’m not budging.


BEST ACTOR, Comedy

Larry David, CURB YOUR ENTHUSIASM

John Ritter, 8 SIMPLE RULES

Kelsey Grammer, FRASIER
Matt LeBlanc, FRIENDS
Tony Shalhoub, MONK

Okay, it’s Larry David. No fucking question. If you’ve seen even a minute of that show, you will agree it’s the goddamned funniest thing on television. Practically the whole show is improvised, and the humor destroys, just DESTROYS everything you see on network TV. Fine, make an easier pick like Joey or Frasier. Or give John Ritter some contrived sympathy award for a half-wit sitcom. Ignore the funniest show on TV. Go ahead. See if I care. Assholes.

PREDICTION: Larry David


BEST ACTRESS, Drama

Jennifer Garner, ALIAS
Amber Tamblyn, JOAN OF ARCADIA
Mariska Hargitay, LAW AND ORDER: SVU
Edie Falco, SOPRANOS
Allison Janney, WEST WING

Umm, the only one I’ve seen is the Sopranos, and I never though Carmella was that impressive. West Wing is garbage. Never got into Law and Order (by the way, my dad is disowning me for that last statement). Screw Joan of Arcadia. I guess I’ll rely on my old principle to just pick the hottest nominee, and if you don’t know who I’m talking about, you probably can’t even read this column.

PREDICTION: Jennifer Garner


BEST ACTOR, Drama

James Spader, PRACTICE
James Gandolfini, SOPRANOS
Kiefer Sutherland, 24
Martin Sheen, WEST WING
Anthony LaPaglia, WITHOUT A TRACE

Might as well go with Tony. I didn’t even know the Practice was still on the air. 24 is crazy overrated. West Wing, meh. The only thing I know about Without a Trace is that I get bombarded by ads for that show every time I try to watch a Pats game.

PREDICTION: Tony


BEST COMEDY

ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT
CURB YOUR ENTHUSIASM
RAYMOND
SEX AND THE CITY
WILL AND GRACE

Why is Will and Grace here? Come on, have the gay pride parade somewhere else. How in the blue fuck is WILL and WILL any funnier than Scrubs? Can you tell me? Anyone can make 26 minutes of gay jokes, and pump one annoying guest star after another up the viewer’s arse. Yuck.

Anyway, it’s Curb. For all the reasons I picked Larry David. The show is pure funny. There are two types of people: people who find Curb hysterical, and people without a sense of humor. (I guess I could include people who can’t afford HBO, but poor people don’t matter. Sorry, I’ve been watching too much President Bush.)

PREDICTION: Curb


BEST DRAMA

CSI
JOAN OF ARCADIA
SOPRANOS
24
WEST WING

Kind of a weak class. I guess it’s Sopranos by default, even though last season was weaker than others, it still had some nice shocks (death of Adrianna, FBI bust in the finale). Besides, is anyone prepared to hear: “DON’T MISS EMMY WINNING SMASH JOAN OF ARCADIA, Wednesday nights on CBS!”

PREDICTION: Sopranos

Wow. That was a long ass column.