Yo, my name’s Tiquasha Jackson. If there’s one thing I’ve learned from growing up on the rough streets of anywhere black people live, it’s that anywhere black people live it’s a rough street. Ever since White Flight, black people have been popping up in more and more rural areas, infecting the neighborhood with drugs and crime. And while the basic techniques of self-defense might work against purse-snatchers and trench-coat-flashers, black people have genetically evolved to a more dangerous level of attacker. Not only do we blend into any dark background, but our eyes have a clear eyelid membrane to protect us from mace and pepper-spray. Also, today’s Air Jordans not only contain the proper ankle support needed to scale 10-foot fences, but also have thick rubber soles to protect us from Taser attacks.
When you find yourself enveloped in the fiery hell that is black culture, you need a way to defend yourself. As proven by Martin Luther King, Jr. and Malcom X, simple reasoning and rationalization will only get your ass shot (may they rest in peace, brotha). No, the only way to survive in this harsh world is to throw all caution to the wind and fill yourself with hatred and chaos. While other fighting techniques require achieving a high level of physical and mental strength over the course of many years, the only way to defend yourself from the motherfuckas of the hood is to become bat-shit insane—and that only takes a day or two. That is why I am here to help you learn how to fight like an Angry Black Woman.
The Angry Black Woman fighting style has been as much of black culture as fried chicken and hating white people. In times of confrontation, all logic is pushed aside and two grimy bitches are forced to physically battle. Whether your baby’s daddy be sleepin’ with another hoe, or some bitch be dancin’ too close to you in the club, the Angry Black Woman fighting style is a universally accepted approach to conflict resolution in black culture. And while black brothas carry guns and knives, their female counterparts carry a much more deadly weapon: bottled rage. If unleashed, this anger can be focused into a tantrum of thrashing manicures and high heels. I am here to teach you how to defend yourself against this lethal wrath, and how to develop your own style of Angry Black Woman.
Unlike skinny-ass white bitches who are all talk, black women are one of the deadliest forces in the world, second only to hurricanes and European soccer fans.The first step to survival is recognizing your surroundings. Is there loud, violent rap music playing? Are there people "walking it out" and "pop, locking, and dropping it"? These dance mating rituals are common amongst black people, and getting in the way of them could end fatally. If you find yourself surrounded by jiggling booties, drinks, and two-steps, you know to keep your guard up.
In time the atmosphere of blunts, crack rocks, and grape soda will bring everyone to a "crunk" level of aggression, and the angry black women in the crowd will begin to emerge. They can be spotted by their unprecedented ghetto haircuts and supreme level of confidence, a skill unknown to the skinny, whiny, white woman. Similar to peacock feathers, these ghetto black hairstyles are a way of flamboyantly exhibiting female individuality during these mating rituals. Other traits include an excessively disproportionate ass bouncing around, accompanied by a protruding belly and sagging tits.
While other fighting styles include silent attacks and devious schemes, Angry Black Woman is very blatant. This is good, because it allows others to pick up on the signs of an arising scuffle and prepare accordingly. The fights could break out for a number of reasons, ranging from someone stealin’ someone else’s man, to spilt Kool-Aid. Whatever the case, the Angry Black Woman fighting style fits a defined progression of anger before exploding into a rampage of chaos.
The first sign you will pick up on is the yelling. This incoherent screaming can be heard for miles, and is a warning to all other hoes that they had better back off, lest they want an altercation. But the shouting is nothing more than belligerent rambling, consisting of sentence fragments and the word "Fuck." Sayings like, "Oh, I’ma smack dat bitch!" and, "Oh no you didn’!" will be repeated over and over during the first stage of Angry Black Woman. It is during this time that you should take note of the nearest exits.
Unlike skinny-ass white bitches who are all talk, black women are one of the deadliest forces in the world, second only to hurricanes and European soccer fans. Eventually, the yelling will escalate to the next stage of combat, in which the black women will prepare for confrontation. In order to properly whip her opponent’s ass, the woman must remove her jewelry, shoes, and heavy clothing, making her more aerodynamic and dexterous in the melee. If you plan on participating, remove your earrings, necklace, and bracelets, all while continually yelling threats. If you are wearing high heels, take them off and hand them to a friend. Similar to Roman gladiators and Spartan warriors, you are now ready for battle.
In contrast to other fights in which the two opponents circle one another in the arena, the Angry Black Woman style is all about power. And few things are scarier than a full-grown black woman charging at you with claws drawn. In a true clash of force, the two or more fighters will blitz towards each other, resulting in an explosion of brawn in the center of the fracas.
In this pandemonium of anarchy and hatred, there are many different moves black women use. If you can recognize the following types of attacks, you will stand a better chance of survival.
- The Hair Grab
Without her shoes, a black woman’s center of gravity is severely thrown off. Upon colliding into a fury of fists, women will grab onto anything they can for stability. This typically results in both women clutching each other’s hair with one fist and wailing upon each other’s heads with the other. Alternating blows will occur until one girl fails to remain balanced without her shoes and falls to the ground.
One thing that should be kept in mind is that many black women have hair extensions, weaves, or even wigs. Ripping out a women’s hair is a surefire way to rack up points during a brawl, and the pain associated with ripping out a weave is enough to make a full-grown woman pass out.
- The Spit
Using bodily fluids to defend oneself is a technique used by many animals of prey, and is no exception in the Angry Black Woman fighting style. When one woman finds her limbs entangled and is unable to physically hit the other, she will resort to spitting large wads of saliva into the other’s face, not only humiliating them, but affecting their ability to see. If used correctly, the spit could render your opponent blind.
- The Claw
This is the most aggressive of attacks, named after the claw-like appearance of a black woman’s fingers. Outfitted with long nails, one swipe of this powerful hand could dig deep into the skin, drawing blood and ripping out more hair. Remember, the more hair you pull out of her head, the less of a ghetto haircut she will be able to display in the future.
- The Arm Maul
If one does not have the proper fingers for the Claw and finds herself on the losing end of a Hair Grab, she can resort to psychotically flailing her arms toward her opponent, hitting whatever lies in her path. This charge is typically used upfront, as each woman is desperate to lay the first blow to her foe. It can also be used as a last resort, in an attempt to take out your rival before she knocks you the fuck out. The only downfall of the Arm Maul is that it leaves your head open to counterattacks.
- The Shoe Smack
In the turbulence that is an Angry Black Woman fight, many bitches will be entering and exiting the maniacal mosh pit, either catching their breath or healing from a painful smack while others continue to fight. Occasionally, before jumping back into the vortex, some women will grab a shoe they took off and use it as a weapon. Sharp heels can be used to stab a challenger, and long straps can turn the average shoe into a medieval ball and chain.
So there you are, immersed in a massacre of weaves and fake nails. Eventually, the two of you will lose your footing and the duel will move to the ground. Normally, both fighters would be allowed to stand back up for the fight to resume, but this is hardly a normal fight. In Angry Black Woman, a fight on the turf turns into a ground-and-pound that would make UFC fighters flinch. The grappling involved in a ground skirmish shows the versatility of this fighting technique, and the level of intensity is increased with every dangerous second the fight remains on the ground.
You’ve come this far, and if you plan on knocking this skank-bitch out, there are a few things to keep in mind.
- Show No Dignity
Perhaps the one thing that separates Angry Black Woman from other combat methods is the lack of dignity both fighters show. Just because this fight has moved to the ground doesn’t mean you have to worry about getting dirty. In times of such ferocity, the one who pauses to fix her shirt is the one who gets knocked the fuck out.
- Rip Off Her Clothing
While rolling around in the filth of a dance floor or neighborhood sidewalk, you are going to lose your firm grip on this bitch’s hair. Not to worry, because once the fight has gone to the ground, a different objective arises: to rip every possible article of clothing off of your opponent. Loose tassels, long sleeves, and necklaces are fair game in this tug-o-war, all while maintaining a consistent barrage on the back of her head. Extra points if you manage to make one of her tits pop out.
- Kick Her While She’s Down
Perhaps the only benefit of keeping your shoes on is the ability to kick once the fight has gone to the ground. Sharpened heels can cripple a rival, and legs can typically reach further than flapping arms. That, and kicking an opponent while she’s down ensures that you have suppressed enough character to win this fight.
- Execute the Head Smash
Equivalent to the Fatality in Mortal Kombat games, the head smash is the ultimate finishing move to this fight. Once you have endured the entire battle and left your foe a crumbled ball of half-naked worthlessness, the head smash is the climactic finale. Simply grab what is left of your opponent’s hair (if all the hair is gone, palm that bitch’s head like a basketball) and use it to smash her face off the pavement. This conclusion to the fight shows everyone that you are the boss, and that you will inflict permanent brain damage to anyone stupid enough to challenge you.
Congratulations! You just won your first Angry Black Woman duel! You can now survive in the harsh crusade of black culture, keeping your reputation up and also working your way to Head Bitch In Charge. Just keep in mind that every fight will be a different battle and that in order to truly be the best you need to practice all the time. Maybe find a nappy-headed hoe who will let you smash her around a bit, or join a gym that allows you to spar in heels. Learning to battle under different conditions in different scenarios will ensure your strength.
Whatever the case, know that Angry Black Woman is a very serious technique and is not to be practiced negligibly. It is my hope that with this guide, Angry Black Woman will become a way for black culture to rise up from the ashes and show those other martial arts who’s the head bitch in charge.
Yeah that’s right bitch, I’m talkin’ to you. Oh what did you just say?! Oh no you didn’! I’ma smack dat bitch!!