Warning: I’m NG Hatfield and I’m a jokester. Not only that, I’m a kidder. I’m also a trickster, a clown, a con artist, a swindler, a cheat, a charlatan, a slippery customer, and an avid fan of Microsoft Word’s shift+F7 feature. Go ahead, try it on.

That said, I should warn you that I’ve been dubbed not only a douchebag, but a funny douchebag. Which makes sense to me. I laugh at all sorts of shit, and I make light of the worst in people. At the same time, though, I say things out of place and generally with a strange timing; so, sometimes, listeners and readers actually take me seriously.

For instance, today, I looked at a news report of a baby being fried in a microwave by her mother. Then, I looked for the humor (mind you, I didn’t have to look very far). I began writing this article and then thought of the phrase: “Mother Sues Microwave Company Because Popcorn Option Doesn’t Fully Pop Baby.” And that’s funny. I just thought of it. And now that I’m bragging about it, you can see that the “huge douchebag” argument against me holds a substantial amount of water.

“A bag of oranges leaves no bruises. So what’s the fun in that?”

Regardless, this week, I decided to do a little something different. Something that is funny, but also embraces the douchebaggery that engulfs me, to the deepest parts of my soul.

You’ll like it, or I’m not a douchebag.

An Idiot’s Guide to Beating Your Wife

Picture this: It’s 5 o’clock and the whistle blows. Time to go home. You get in your middle-income SUV that your wife insisted you buy instead of that black Mazda RX8 with the sound system and wearily head home. You pull up your driveway, and the garage isn’t spotless. You see oil stains and smell discarded tampons baking in the trashcan beside the heater. Inside, your wife frowns, throws a plate of cold, burnt pork chops and begins bitching at you for leaving your underwear on the floor.

When you were dating, she waited on you hand and foot. You got a blowjob every night, and when you fucked, it was great because she stayed in shape for you. Now, you’re used to flabby, pale thighs and boobs that droop to disgustingly low depths. You’re used to biting your tongue when her sister says something so fucking retarded that your head might explode. You’re her whipping boy, bitch. You’re the modern, real-life version of Kunta Kinte.

You have two choices now. One: sit there and take like it Whitney Houston. Or two: give her an excellent reason to shut the fuck up, clean up the garage, put the kibosh to her goddamned menstrual cycle and give you that pussy like it’s your bowl of Lucky Charms. If you, like myself, have any sort of testosterone in your bloodstream, you realize what needs done. The bitch needs hit.

Sure, some may say that spousal abuse is horrible. That men who “resort to it” are cowards and should be punished to the full extent of the law.

I disagree.

I think that beating your wife should be not only legal, but embraced. I think, also, that it should be lawful to beat other men’s wives, girlfriends, daughters and concubines, when warranted. I also think that nothing proves manliness quite like thrashing things that are weaker than you. Small children, for instance.

So, in this piece I hope I’ll be able to give you a few great techniques of getting the most out of your wife, and even promote the idea that domestic violence is cool.

Let’s get started, shall we?

First, in order to properly thump your wife, you must successfully remove any doubt that what you’re doing is morally wrong. After all, we don’t want you holding back.

Consider these facts…

-Women caused the fall of humanity.
-Women are fickle.
-Women get abortions.
-Women like salad more than meat.
-Hillary Clinton.

And if you need more convincing than that, think about this: For the last 60 plus years, women have been shrieking like banshees for “equal rights.” Yet, they still aren’t eligible for the draft. They still get the majority of sympathy in a courtroom. They still have cleaner, more welcoming public bathrooms than we do (bathrooms including cappuccino machines and full living room sets, provided by Ethan Allen). They have all of the benefits and none of the responsibilities of equal rights.

And it’s not us men who say shit about it; it’s women who vilify spousal abuse. Think about it… who is dubbed “The Most Powerful Woman in America?” Oprah. That’s right. Oprah fucking Winfrey. And if you’d take two seconds to turn on her shitty program, you’d see that all she bitches is about is the “pain” and “anguish” caused by “abusive men.” She actually demonizes guys like you or me. She makes it not okay to beat your wife. I say FUCK YOU, OPRAH.

I mean really guys, do you want to start listening to her, now? Do you want to have to start respecting black women? Do you want, once a month, to read some horrible, hackneyed book about finding your vagina empowering? Do you want to trash all those high-res pictures of a 13-year-old Jennifer Love Hewitt rubbing her beautiful pink pussy? I’m not willing to make that sort of sacrifice. I have a feeling you agree.

If you don’t agree, I’ve got one more piece of straw that might break the camel’s back (ironically allowing you to break your wife’s back with great vehemence). That is, on a more personal level, you may notice these simple facts: Your wife paints her face like a whore. She’s getting fat and her ass looks like an unfortunately-shaped balloon. Hell, the bitch has always been about as intelligent as the majority of Tucker Max’s fans.

Face it buddy, your wife is an inflatable clown dummy. She has no worth to you other than maybe receiving a few kicks to the kidneys every now and then; and yet, the bitch still thinks that you owe her the “respect” of not cleaning out her clock. Well guess what? It’s time to set things straight: you’re the man and she’s the woman. “Wo-” means “lesser than” and I’ll be goddamned if I know a single man out there who does not abide by the basic fundamentals of mathematics.

If she thinks it’s her responsibility to do anything other than cook, clean and conceive your children… if she does anything at all that you feel is unwomanly… then, my good man, it’s time to beat your wife.

First, begin by punching that cunt right in that big, ugly, red nose, and let her fall on her back. Then, casually wait for her to rise. Proceed with the pounding until she’s deflated, emotionally and physically. If she doesn’t rise, kick her in the ribs. Be careful with her ovaries, though. You don’t want your future son to come out looking like Gilbert Gottfried. After all, when you’re too old to beat your whore, you’ll need somebody there so that you may vicariously beat other women. It’s the Circle of Life, and it moves us all.

If your wife has the balls to hit you first, or even try to swing at you, then you should consider her a proverbial buffet for worms. There will be other, less “independent” women out there who will let you fatten their lips with a clean jab to the teeth. There will be other women out there who will let you smack your dick off their eyelids. There will be other women out there who will suck your balls while frying up some chicken. I promise you. Women might think they’re tough, but once you break their spirit, it’s easier than parallel-parking the new Lexus. Or what I like to call “curb-stomping fish in a barrel.”

A few other tips for a fun, flawless beating:

1. Include a list of acceptable excuses for the bruises on the visible parts of her body. Such excuses include, but are not limited to:

“My husband and I have a wild sex life. He hits me and I enjoy it…sexually.”

“I have low iron in my blood… these are from smelling the daisies my husband bought me. I love him and obey everything he says.”

“I incorrectly put the mayo on the ham in his sandwich, and my husband set me straight.”

2. Limit her ability to watch The View, Dateline, Oprah, and other television shows by not subscribing to cable. If you want to watch the game, go to the bar. If your wife bitches, you know what to do.

3. Let her be conscious for awhile. This way, you can say neat things like, “Welcome to the jungle, bitch!” and have her hear it. It may ruin Guns N’ Roses for her, but really, women shouldn’t be listening to Rock n’ Roll music anyways.

4. Make jokes as you punch. For instance…

“Why *PUNCH* don’t women *PUNCH* need umbrellas?” *FLYING KICK*

“Because it doesn’t *TOMBSTONER* rain in the kitchen.”

5. Spit on her.

6. Be arbitrary in what pisses you off. Think of it like this: if you hook an electrode up to one wire on a gerbil’s cage, the little bastard will eventually learn not to touch it. Your wife is similar. If you want to keep beating her, you can’t keep getting pissed off about things like, say, her perfume choice or the fact that a diet product exists in your household. You’ve got to make up new and exciting triggers. Think: old boyfriends or past mistakes. Goldmines.

Or hell, if you don’t need to get pissed off, don’t worry about it. Just smack her around a little.

7. Write your congressman. Get Hillary Clinton out of office.

8. A bag of oranges leaves no bruises. So what’s the fun in that?

9. Think Halo 2: Weapons are fun! A few of my personal favorites are…

-Brass knuckles
-Machetes
-Car batteries with cables
-Car batteries without cables (projectile)
-Books (hardback only)
-Dishes with unsatisfactory food still upon them
-Empty beer bottles
-Two-by-fours
-And the new Nintendo Wii controller

Use your imagination! Cut, bruise, slap and shit on, as you feel appropriate. The possibilities are endless!

10. When all else fails, remember these words: “Float like butterfly, sting like a bee, apologize profusely, so you can knock her out again.”

The End.

Or is it?

It’s the end when I say it is, bitch. Run me my bath water.


Get 10% off The Second City comedy classes with code PIC. Subscribe to our newsletter for new articles.