May 2005

CIA Cyberterrorism Team Busts Into Hot S&M Chatroom | 5-25-05
The CIA's taking to the Internet in stronger waves of technological defense these days. So far all they've accomplished is cock-blocking.

Softcore 'Star Wars' Fans Settle for Bad Seats, Making Out | 5-18-05
While hardcore Star Wars fans lineup outside for weeks just to get a good seat at Episode III, semi-fans seem content with the back row.

CAT Scans Reveal King Tut Was a Pussy | 5-11-05
Thanks to modern technology, people can now see what King Tut really looked like: a metrosexual. Go on, pop that pink collar, pharaoh.

April 2005

Gold Digging Friends Use Hoes to Find Backyard Cash | 4-27-05
Three men (and a few good-for-nothing hoes) discover $75,000 buried in their backyard. Turns out soil deposits aren't that safe after all.

Whale-Dolphin Hybrid Gives Birth to Totally Confused Calf | 4-20-05
The only wolphin in captivity has just given birth to a new baby. One can only imagine the adolescent identity crisis this calf will endure.

Drunk Drivers Vindicated Through Dashboard Confessional | 4-6-05
Convicted DUI offenders need not worry about repeat offenses. New in-car breathalyzers shut off the ignition and pour you another shot.

March 2005

Human Soiling Earth with All Kinds of Shit | 3-30-05
Environmental damage to the planet we reluctantly call home is getting worse. And not just because of your nasty Taco Bell dumps.

Krispy Kreme Glazes Over Wal-Mart for Dough | 3-23-05
Krispy Kreme plans to close it's trial bakeries in Wal-Mart stores for fear Southerners might look even fatter in discount wife beaters.

Pointless Study: Malt Liquor Drowns Worries | 3-16-05
There's a good reason why 40's come in larger bottles: the people who drink them need a lot more beer to make their problems disappear.

Jackson Clarifies Story: "I Told that Boy to Beat It" | 3-2-05
Jackson's lawyers have decided to let Michael tell his own story to the jury the best way he knows: using ambiguous fragments of his songs.

February 2005

Japanese "Social Security" Dolls for Elderly to be Poorly Made in America | 2-23-05
If toy supplies in Japan are anything like U.S. retirement security, there will probably be enough dolls to satisfy 15 lonely Japanese retirees.

Fakes Penis Pissed Off After Failing Urine Test | 2-16-05
Actor Tom Sizemore won't be getting off his drug charges anytime soon using a fake penis. In fact, he won't get off period using one.

Loud, Gay and Annoying Drops of Water Tapped for Torture Reality TV Show | 2-9-05
To keep ratings afloat for a new torture reality TV show, producers were forced to find the most flamboyant and ridiculous drops of water.

Cell Phones Challenge Asian Females for Accident Risk | 2-2-05
New studies show that cell phones pose a significant threat to the traditional driving impairment stereotypes like Asians and old people.

January 2005

Surgeon General Gets Specific for Once | 1-26-05
The government has a new reason for you to quit smoking: some companies may fire smokers. And unemployment is just as unsexy.

Masturbating Boys Caught Red-Handed | 1-19-05
A group of foreign boys were caught masturbating in public to a sexily-dressed woman. Police blamed the victim for her outfit of course.

Indonesia Welcomes Foreign Aid with Closed Fists | 1-12-05
Indonesia may need a lot of help from other countries, but they also want everyone at an open arm's length. Just enough to serve food.

Secondhand Smoke Merges with Local Consignment Store | 1-5-05
New research shows that even trace amounts of smoke can lower kids' math and reading scores. Parents: only buy your kids NEW clothes.

December 2004

Two Dead After Tsunami Death Toll Makes Headline Splash | 12-29-04
The tsunami disaster is making waves all over the world. But who knew the AP could be responsible for spreading it's impact?

Parachute System Full of Holes, Laughs Spencer's Gifts | 12-22-04
A new parachute system for a PLANE? What a great gag gift for the fearful, newbie pilot in your family!

2004 the Fourth-Hottest on Record, Sixth on CD | 12-15-04
Ozone Entertainment Weekly ranks 2004 as the fourth-hottest ever. DJ's everywhere must be going crazy, really!

China Bans Nike TV Commercial, Opens Nike Sweatshop | 12-8-04
Apparently LeBron James is too intimidating to make his visual presence felt across China. No worries, they'll keep making his shoes anyway.

Dutch Legalize Baby Killing Out of Legalization Boredom | 12-1-04
Just when it seemed the Netherlands had almost run out of things to legalize, someone remembered it might be handy to kill babies too.

November 2004

Exploding Cell Phones to Users: "You're Blowing Up, Dude" | 11-24-04
And you thought blaring, top 40 ringtones were annoying. Try having your phone explode in your ear and then say "I told you so."

Artest Dehydrated After Spitting Too Much Game | 11-10-04
In a baffling attempt to go platinum as a rapper, Ron Artest got too tired to play basketball for a few games. Silly bling dreams.

Bush Re-Raises Four More Years; Terrorists All In | 11-3-04
Bush is back in the White House and the Middle East is ready for a re-match! Okay, let's see the flop!

October 2004

Ex-GIs Order Greek Camo to Help Fit in on Campus | 10-27-04
Soldiers returning from Iraq find that partying is shallow and trivial when you compare it to the threat of death. Their loss.

Kids Pick Kerry to Be Next Babysitter of the World | 10-20-04
The results are in, and the children of America have voiced their opinions through Nickelodeon. John Kerry for Babysitter 2004!

D.C. Museum Shaves Bush from Nude Collection | 10-13-04
The City Museum in Washington got themselves into a hairy situation by hanging a nude cartoonish painting of President Bush.

Bob Dylan Totally Nominated for Noble Peace Highs | 10-6-04
Dylan's Nobel Peace Prize nomination in literature has sparked some debate, as well as a few bong hits over "Mr. Tambourine Man."

September 2004

Presbyterians, Jews Agree Foreskin Not Kosher | 9-29-04
Protestants aim to stop companies from working with Israel and no amount of talks or blowjobs will help. Circumcision is still cool though.

Twinkies Maker Files Bankruptcy; Millions Sit on Fat Asses | 9-22-04
How is it possible that America's biggest junk food perpetrator has dug themselves into a cream-filled hole? Answer: too many snack breaks.

Madonna to Israel: "This Used to be My Playground" | 9-15-04
Madonna makes a spiritual quest to Israel for the Jewish New Year in hopes of once again feeling what it's like to be a virgin.

Hurricane Frances Threatens Florida, Demands $16B Ransom | 9-1-04
The East Coast's latest natural disaster has adopted the American way and decided to pressure the government in exchange for cooperation.

August 2004

Armed Art Thieves Tell Munch's "The Scream" to Shutup | 8-25-04
Norwegian bandits steal one of the world's most valuable paintings from a museum in broad daylight. Bystanders were calmer than the painting.

Europe Blames Changing Climate on Dutch Hotboxing Effect | 8-18-04
A few melting glaciers and rising oceans later, Europe decides it's time to crack down on global warming. But first, let's burn one down.

Insurgents Turn Off A/C in Iraq Desert | 8-11-04
Those bastard freedom-haters are always up to something. This time it looks like the American troops will just have to rely on fans.

Nose Jobs Bridge Unemployment Gap | 8-4-04
It seems Americans CAN agree on one thing: the "ideal" nose. If plastic surgery keeps up this pace, the economy will be booming in no time.

July 2004

Moore and O'Reilly Agree to Make Love, Not War | 7-28-04
America's loudmouths put down their differences for a moment to share some passionate face time on The O'Reilly Factor (aka The Gay Test).

KFC Supplier Kidnaps Poultry, Threatens Beheading | 7-21-04
Animal rights groups are up in arms over the latest chicken abuse. Though they do plan to release the video on the Internet soon.

Hamilton, Burr Kin Re-Enact Duel, Beat Dead Horses | 7-14-04
The descendants of the famed presidential candidates who squared off to the death decide it's time to rekindle some hard feelings.

Lawless Leopards Murder 14 People in Bombay | 7-7-04
Apparently the leopards in the world's fifth-largest city didn't get the memo that humans are not on the "Animals It's OK to Murder" list.

June 2004

Teacher Accused of Sex with One Very Lucky Middle School Student | 6-30-04
Why did this 23-year-old woman do the naughty with her 14-year-old student? Who cares, this dude's definitely in the popular crowd now.

Celsius Rates Michael Moore's "Fahrenheit 9/11" Below Zero | 6-23-04
The summer's most controversial film might be funnier if you only watch the trailer. I know this article certainly will be funnier if you do.

Ambiguous Survey Shows 78% of Canadians Are Gay and Happy | 6-16-04
While we Americans would like to affirm the notion that Canadians are gay, the truth is, the latest survey shows 1%. Obviously baseless.

Nation's Capital Contracts Alzheimer's, Forgets Reagan Died | 6-9-04
Undeniably the most controversial and hysterical article you will read for a long time. That is, until a mockery can be made of Dubya's death.

Boy Collapses at Spelling Bee, Nails "Resuscitation" | 6-6-04
Frightened and pale, one heroic young lad rises from the floor and belts out the correct spelling to his word after fainting.

May 2004

Bible Proofreaders Discover Jesus Was Actually a "Pew" | 5-19-04
Thank the Lord someone is finally sweating the small stuff. And to think, all people worshipping Jesus have actually been sitting on him.

NYC Parking Meter Charges Adjacent Fire Hydrant | 5-12-04
New York installed a parking space too close to a fire hydrant and everyone including the fire chief got ticketed.

Study: Obese Kids Likely to Be Big Eaters | 5-5-04
Ground-breaking research has determined that not only are fat children fat, they are also likely to be bullied. It's a crazy world.

April 2004

Russell Crowe to Star in The Passion of the Anti-Christ | 4-28-04
Gladiator of compassion, Russell Crowe, comes to the aid of a torched Jewish elementary school. Says Mel Gibson is "going down baby."

AOL Says Privacy Concerns Over AIM Beta Are None of Your Business | 4-18-04
AIM's newest release will have some extra features, but some people are worried about "spyware." Are these people just being intrusive?

Rapper Lil' Kim Charged With Obstruction of Breastices | 4-14-04
Although I've enjoyed every nasty, lying word to ever come out of her mouth, Lil' Kim is now in trouble with da law.

History Channel Declares JFK Conspiracy Show 'Classified' | 4-7-04
What happens when you air a show that hints at a little too much info? You pull it and sell the uncensored version on DVD, duh.

March 2004

Heinz Puts the Squeeze on Kerry Connection (Still Won't Come Out) | 3-31-04
Guess who John Kerry's wife is? Teresa Heinz Kerry. That's right, if Kerry wins, ketchup will become a food group. 

Muppets Bringing Peace to Israel/Palestine Say Middle East Puppet Leaders | 3-24-04
As if American influence wasn't already overwhelming, now Elmo is supposedly carrying the will of the White House to the Middle East.

Internet Daters Demand Advice to "Male Electronic Dysfunction" | 3-17-04
As online dating picks up, along with it come the usual problems, only in different forms. Other problems include avoiding physical contact. 

Bitch Mighta Got Duped at British Dog Show | 3-10-04
One Doberman owner is all worked up over the possibility that her top bitch was drugged pre-show. So of course, she started bitching.

Gay Couples Start Tying Double Knots in Oregon, Swear They Can't Be Untied | 3-3-04
It's gonna take a little more than "word is bond" to keep these same-sex marriages from unraveling.

February 2004

Early Viewers Enthralled by Gibson's 'Passion,' Beautiful Nazi-Blue Eyes | 2-25-04
Mel Gibson wants to strike up some controversy huh? Maybe he should try making a movie that's not so believably anti-Semitic!

Polaroid Encourages Film Users to 'Be on Ya'll Baddest Behavior' | 2-18-04
They could care less if you 'shake it like a Polaroid picture.' Just make sure you send copies of your wildest orgy photos.

Young Urban Americans Get Enthused Over Knitting (sic) | 2-11-04
Move over Betsy Ross, the new generation of college knitters is in full swing. And they've created a style all their own...by hand.

January 2004

Erving's Wife Denies Releasing Sex Tape, Blames Rick Solomon | 1-28-04
Julius Erving: model husband and basketball hall-of-famer? Or raunchy, sex-crazed retiree desperately clinging to an image of vitality?

Armed Gangs Steal Lollipops From Mexican Baby Sea Turtles | 1-21-04
Drug trafficking? Are you kidding, modern Mexican gangs have more important things to worry about...like sea turtle eggs.

Drunk Driver Ordered to Carry Coffin Photo, Drink Away Guilt | 1-14-04
Alternative punishment strikes Jennifer Langston where it hurts: right in the heart. Requests for retouching were denied. 

British Naked Walker Gets Jail Sentence From Hung Jury | 1-7-04
How far will people go to promote public nudity? The length of Britain apparently...if it weren't for you darned police!

December 2003

Paris Hilton Sex Tape Interrupted By Fred the Pizza Guy | 12-31-03
People across America are ordering pizza using the alias "Paris Hilton."  But only one man delivered to the real Paris: "It's fucking Fred."

Conditions Too Dangerously Similar for Wash. Re-Enactment | 12-25-03
Unpatriotic American actors leave the Washington Crossing re-enactment high and dry, choosing to sip hot cocoa by the fireplace.

Daring Deer Has D.C. Subway For Lunch | 12-17-03
A runaway deer is caught on videotape?! This special report features commentary from our very own Court (the deer) from "Deer Court"! 

U.S. Study Finds 'Best' AIDS Cocktail; Healthy Citizens Flock to Bars | 12-10-03
Forget everything you've ever heard about the pitfalls of HIV and embrace the millions of dollars poured into satisfying the infected!

Male Enlargement Spam Prompts Penis Envy | 12-3-03
One man goes entirely out of control after getting fed up with spammers bashing his "already-enhanced" penis.

November 2003

Thanksgiving Travel Rush Results in 753 Bids; Freshmen Excited | 11-26-03
College students around the country will flock home for their Mom's farm-raised turkey, but some freshmen will be a little happier than others.

Jackson Booked As Storytime Reader During Child Molestation Case | 11-21-03
Every 10 years, the kids decide to take a stand against Michael. But they still requested he read to them during naptime recess.

Dictionary Editors to Keep 'McJob,' Citing Secondary Income | 11-12-03
Hey, flipping burgers is REAL. But who knew Webster was such a hardass?

Monkeys Terrorize India Workers, Tourists, Then Slip Up on Banana Peel | 11-6-03
Monkeys have taken over India and the only thing that can stop them is their own diet.

October 2003

Rockets, Chauffeur Drive Wolfowitz from Baghdad Hotel | 10-29-03
Fourth-grade science projects and armed wheelbarrows force our nation's top "something-or-other-important-dude" to get the hell out.