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In case you are over the age of 36 (repulsive) and have been living
in an S& M nunnery of sorts, I will provide a
short description of MySpace.com and its many uses. But before I
get going, it must be known that I am A) saucy off moonshine and B)
two hours until deadline, so excuse my hastiness—or just verbally
lash me in the comment box if you must (you dirty diaper eating
asshat).
Okay, here we go: MySpace is a website where you have pictures of your homely
face along with a description of your sad life and deplorable hobbies
(masturbating while rubbing your sister’s Barbie’s stiff plastic hooters,
masturbating to photos of a girl in a bikini on your raft box, sneaking into my
apartment and sniffing my granny panties from the Costco six pack [who can blame
you for that one?]). You can also write little blurbs about your hideously
boring activities (you narcissistic cow, nobody wants to read that). Then your
friends, acquaintances, random dumpster sluts, fluffers, priest, the dorm
janitor you snogged (you trashy sow), and your parents can spy on you and post
you little comments. A comment to you would read something like this: “Queefing
in your grandfather’s supper is unacceptable. Now go the backyard and shovel the
lama’s feces or I‘ll
beat you with a coat hanger. Love Mother.”
"The crippling symptoms of withdrawal set in: headache,
vomiting, anal leakage, thinning hair." MySpace isn't just for
individuals; a company, a movie, your shitty band, why even my
former shitty publication, The Vicious Vine, still has a MySpace
page.
While this may all sound harmless and boring, it's not! Beware! This website
is an all consuming addiction! It's a socially acceptable way of spying on
people. Never again will you be shot out of that special someone’s tree with a
tranquilizer gun and left writhing in the soil with a dart sticking out of your
fatty supple labia majora. Now your perverted lurking can be done from the
privacy of your home.
I decided see just how powerful my addiction was. I would do the unthinkable:
I would abstain from MySpace for seven days. Gasp!
Day 1 - Monday
I was at school most of the day so it wasn't too hard. Although this reptile
man in front of me had his laptop tuned to MySpace. I quickly averted my eyes.
Who would post such a scaly and unsightly creature? Surely he couldn’t have any
friends who aren’t being held captive in his fashionably rustic Buffalo
Bill-style cabin. I must look at his page.
No! I can’t. Today is
the first step to recovery.
When I got home I went on the internet. Now what the eff do I do while I’m
here? Search for that Donald Rumsfeld sex tape I’ve been hearing so much about?
Hmm, I wonder if he’s all jiggly, or packed tightly like a sausage? I’ll bet he
grunts like a bear and wears garters, not unlike J. Edgar Hoover.
Day 2 - Tuesday
I spent the whole day drinking devil juice outside the house and away from
the demon box, making this a low risk day.
Day 3 - Wednesday
This was the worst day yet. The crippling symptoms of withdrawal set in:
headache, vomiting, anal leakage, thinning hair, hunchback, memory loss, itchy
butthole, and arthritis. I was a mess. A big sexy mess. I bet I have thousands
of unready messages! Thousands! And everyone probably has their
St Patty’s Day pictures up too! *Sniffle*
I must stay strong. To distract myself I stared at the wall while a monkey
played the cymbals in my imagination.
Day 4 - Thursday
Okay, the worst is over. I had to write a paper which kept me away from
Lucifer's delicious website. I am somewhat adapting to a MySpace free existence.
My vomiting has downgraded to the occasional dry heave and my anal leakage has
slowed to a steady drip.
Day 5 - Friday
Alright, I cracked! I hate myself. But four days is an epic accomplishment if
I do say so myself. Oh golly, look at all the new pictures! And comments!
Shitfire, it’s good to be back.
Life Lessons & Deep Thoughts
I've fallen off the wagon and I'm back to my 8-hour-a-day MySpace habit. But
the important thing is that I made a half-ass attempt to quit. Take care of
yourself... and each other.
See you on MySpace!
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