Don’t let her frail elderliness fool you though. If you are
a mildly attractive man, she will sexually assault you.
Here is a short list of her molestations (at the ones I know about):
1. A dinner party where she grabbed a young guest’s crotch underneath
the table.
2. Another party where she caressed my boyfriend’s father’s juicy rump.
3. A party at Sarah’s house where she attempted to sit in Sarah’s father's
lap.
4. And just this past Thanksgiving she sat next to a taxi driver and tried
to French kiss him.
"I perched myself on the counter grinning a wicked grin and
watched Chris become sexual prey for the elderly."
But, no story of rape
compares to the tale of forcible violation I will unleash upon you
now.
My extended family was over for Christmas last year and this, of course,
included Aunt Gloria. We had finished dinner and had all gathered around the TV.
Ninety-pound Gloria was sitting next to my 25-year-old brother, Chris, sipping
her third martini.
“Say, Chris, you know you’re a good lookin’ man,” I heard Gloria moan in her
Patty & Selma-like voice. My ears perked up, my head snapped around, and my eyes
received the most splendid Christmas gift I didn’t even know I wanted—the sight
of Gloria’s bony claw caressing Chris’s thigh.
|
Aunt Gloria in all her...
glory. |
My gaze quickly turned to Chris’ face which had gone white and vacant with
fright. My eyes shot back to Gloria’s hand which had moved farther north on
Chris’ beefy drumstick. I snickered with delight and looked around the room to
see if anyone else was partaking in this joyous display. I stared at the hand
and waited for it to go in his pants.
“Chris!!!” my mother yelled from the kitchen.
“Coming
mother!” hollered Chris. And in the most awkward motion I have ever seen, he
lifted up Gloria’s hand which was inching toward his crotch, set it on the
couch, and rushed to the kitchen, thus thwarting Gloria’s plans… for the moment.
Undaunted, Gloria downed the remainder of her martini and hobbled into the
kitchen. I quickly followed to witness what romance would unfold.
“You know, Linda, Chris has turned out well, mmm, hmm, yep,” said Gloria.
“Yes, my boy is very handsome,” my Mommy replied, oblivious to what was going
on.
“Mmm HMM, he is, he’s HOT!!” declared Gloria, saying the word “hot” so
loudly that people in the surrounding rooms quit speaking. I perched myself on
the counter grinning a wicked grin and watched as Chris became sexual prey for
the elderly. He attempted to carry on a conversation with my mother while Gloria
eyed him up and down like a beast of prey.
In a second attempt to retain his purity, Chris excused himself and hurried
to his bedroom. Gloria walked over to me. “You know, there’s no blood there,”
she grumbled, referring to the fact that my dad is adopted, thus making a
sexual relationship with her great nephew entirely appropriate.
“I know! And he’s single too!” I responded. And with that little nugget of
encouragement, Gloria headed for Chris’ room. I followed silently, several paces
behind her with the keen stealth of a ninja.
I reached his open door, crept in, and saw Gloria’s frail carcass on top of
Chris’ bed spooning him (the full leg-over-partner spoon). Chris had the covers
up to his eyes, trembling. Gloria was smiling and groaning nearly inaudible
variations of “mmm hmm” “yep” and “sayyy,”and then a final “no blood there”
before dozing off and snoring like a mighty grizzly bear. In that moment, I
reached a level of joy I had once thought unattainable—a small piece of heaven
filled my heart.
Chris slipped out of his bed, gave me the finger, and slept in the guest
room that night. This Christmas I plan to slip a horse tranquilizer in Chris’
mashed potatoes so he and Gloria can have all the passionate holiday love-making
they missed out on last year. Brace yourself Sissy, and don’t be surprised when
you wake up with a pair of dentures
clamped to your ballsack.
