I Love New York

If you have any taste whatsoever, then chances are you were a rabid fan of the VH1 hoe-fest, Flavor of Love. I even considered applying for season two, but the thought of making out with Flave was so arousing I slid right off my chair and I had to be put in a full body cast for several months. Furthermore, I feared his gorgeous leading-man good looks would make all other men appear hideous to me.

Anyway, Flave booted off “New York” at the end of both seasons, sending her away in a limo, chain smoking in a pool of her own tears. Any loyal viewer will attest to the fact that she was the only one who actually liked him, and humped him… twice! All the others winced and choked backed vomit while they sucked on that vulgar mummy face of his.

While NY’s rejection was tragic, both for me and for her, the good news for the general public is: New York now has her own show, I Love New York, where she gets to pick a man from 20 trashy bachelors! She hopes to find true love in her tacky pink mansion with the help of her demon of a mother and a Latino ascot-wearing fruitcake butler.

"T-Weed dresses bizarrely like an ethnic Ronald McDonald-style person who’s fallen on hard times."

New York's mother is evil and crazy but I enjoy her very much. Her wickedness conjures up images of my own disapproving mother participating in a dating show on my behalf. She would claim I was behaving like an “old hoe” and then spray me with a water bottle like a horny cat for drinking too much and making out with all of the contestants.

Before I get to the hunks, I have a question for male readers: By what percentage does it reduce a woman’s attractiveness if she has slept with Flavor Flave? My boyfriend and my friend Sarah’s boyfriend both said they would dump us if they found out we had humped Flave in the past.

I will now describe each contestant, most of whom are completely deranged, half of whom are drop dead revolting, and two who are so black that they don’t show up on TV.

Eliminated in Round 1

Ace – Boring, wet-blanket tennis instructor who talks like a he has a sinus infection. He was eliminated because he “didn’t have that edge.”

Jersey – Lame Guido.

T-Bone – Kind, but undeniably hideous wildebeest. He’s obese, has eyes that look in opposite directions, and he hasn’t had sex in three years. NY named him T-Bone because, as she put it, “he’s huge, he’s big, he’s greasy.”

T-Money – Looks like ET and dresses in green suit similar to Peter Pan.

Wood – Actually quite a handsome guy. New York referred to him as a “fine hunk of chocolate.” Wood was eliminated because he had appeared on previous reality shows, thus proving he was there for fame, not to win NY’s tender heart.

Eliminated in Round 2

Romance – The most insane person I have ever seen on TV, in person or otherwise. Hannibal Lector, as well as cannibals worldwide, seem sane in comparison. He only wears shirts that expose his tanned, waxed chest and his hair is fashioned into a sweeping tidal wave bouffant. He wept over the death of his Yorkshire teacup princess of the first episode, later wept while stroking NY’s dog in a dark corner, then finally cried his last tears when NY rejected him and yelled “You need Prozac!!” as he slunked out the door with his head hung low.

Token – Nothing special. He refused to kiss NY because she was kissing other guys that night. Prude.

Trendz – A dreadlock-wearing rapper who passed out his demo and enraged NY for trying to win fame instead of her heart.

Eliminated in Round 3

Bonze – Looks like a Wallace & Grommit claymation character. He weighs 3 pounds and has a chipper attitude.

Pootie – Pootie seemed normal, until he lost his damn mind in episode three. He thought he would get whacked because Tupac and Biggie did, and clearly he is now just as famous as they are. He wasn’t exactly booted, but he had to leave because he went mad.

T-Weed – Psycho hose beast who says he’s worth $100 million dollars, but is very poor and out of his mind. Dresses bizarrely like an ethnic Ronald McDonald-style person who’s fallen on hard times.

Remaining Hunks

12 Pack – Vile, beefcake, eyebrow-plucking individual with stupid frosted tips and ostentatious gay-bar muscles. In episode two he said, “Girls think I’m so goddamn good-looking, they’re afraid to approach me.” NY’s mother claimed he was “an undercover gay lover.” I think he is a total tool and I hope a bird is shitting on his head right now.

Mr. Boston – Oh how I love Mr. Boston, the adorable dweeb who holds his own against the pack of thug-tards! Amusingly, he gave NY a lap dance in a tiger-striped thong and said it made her “hot and horny.” Oh, he’s just a delight! I hope he wins—or maybe not, so I can date him.

Chance – Gapped-tooth retard who never has any idea what he’s talking about. Doesn't know what Ritalin is, after Mr. Boston so cleverly said he needs it. Mr. Boston also amusingly quipped to the cameras, “Chance couldn’t take a man studlier than him trying to take his woman away.” He wears graffitied clothes that look like they came from the graffiti art booth at the Napa County Fair, like my hella fly visor that says “Skidmarx Parx.” Also, he yelled at NY's mother, not a wise move. Nobody sasses Mrs. Patterson… and lives.

Heat – Ironically not hot, not hot at all. Thinks people are intimidated by his good looks, but resembles Splinter from the Ninja Turtles with a stupid haircut.

Onyx – Looks just like Onyx Blackman, the principal in Strangers With Candy, perhaps that the source of his name, although I can’t see NY enjoying that show.

Real – Real ugly. Chance’s brother who looks like Weird Al in blackface.

Rico – Smooth talking Latino.

Tango – Very cute. Looks like LL Cool J minus the “my shit don’t stink” attitude.

Whiteboy – Sickening. He has one of those repulsive thin mustaches, kind of like mine. He reminds me of Kid Rock without the money, or a shower, or a proper grasp of the English language. NY really likes him, and I still don’t know why. I can smell his BO through the TV.

I can’t wait to see who wins! I predict it will be Mr. Boston. Tune in tomorrow on VH1 to see who goes home next enraged, in tears, or in a straight jacket!