The Parks household was rife with sibling warfare. The marathon battles raged daily between me and my nemesis/brother, Christopher, aka, Sistopher. I was a short, transparently white child. At 4'8" I was so alabaster in color that you could see my veins through my pasty flesh. Read More »

Let's say your gloomy, friendless ass isn't satisfied snuggling up to your hamster and watching Nights in Rodanthe on a weekend night, and instead of doing something fun like going to see My Bloody Valentine 3D (limbs fly at you!) you feel the need to plunge into the dating pool. Read More »

Another Valentine's Day is approaching and you find yourself alone. Frankly I'm not surprised. You are pretty un-datable. That brown tooth, that argile crop top, the way your hair comes to a point, it all screams:  don't date me! So now the three dollar question is: how will you spend the sacred day of romantic love?  Drunk, purple, dead on a toilet seat? Crying into a plate of ribs? Read More »

In the dating landscape there exists an anxious, needy being who desperately roams among us.  And I'm not talking about clams.  This creature is called the Colletti Clinger.  Named after Stephen Colletti from MTV's reality soap about fartface teens, Laguna Beach, the Colletti Clinger is a male who cannot be single, not even for a day.  Notice how Stephen Colletti nervously clings t Read More »

With the holidays upon us, chances are you have friends and relatives visiting with whom you'll be going out to dinner. These aren't the people you generally dine with, so there could be a White Trash Snob infiltrating the group. Read More »

A séance is a chilling ceremony where a group of drunk, giggling asshats attempt to contact spirits by performing a set of unholy rituals. I have conducted a few séances myself, none of which were successful, but I will guide you through the process as I have learned it from SoYouWanna.com. This fantastic website teaches you how to do just about anything! Read More »

One of the most brutal donkey punches to a person's life, alongside such tragedies like birthing a retarded baby, gangrene, and bankruptcy, is the dreadful DUI. It's so tragic that they should make sympathy greeting cards for it. Read More »

When can uber-hobbit Vern Troyer be lumped into a category with luminescent stars like Pamela Anderson, Paris Hilton, Kim Kardashian, Colin Farrell and even Marilyn Monroe? Read More »

Today's hottest accessory isn't an African baby, a DJ lesbian lover, or even a giant ass.  If you want to roll with the in crowd, then you need to grab a hold of summer's most fashionable item: a creepy father!!  Read More »

The following is my standard prank call that I use every Saturday night, home, alone, lonely.  It works best when you have a good friend of the prank-calling victim with you to acquire personal details...and if you're a woman. Try it yourself, it's a hoot! Read More »

If you have no life like me, then chances are you spend every second of every day wondering: When will Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie get married? Well, now you don't have to! I have imagined the potential story of their wedding day, and it's all right here for your enjoyment! Read on! Read More »