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You may be thinking, why would I ever need to “Lady-Proof” my room
and what exactly does this entail? This is a simple question that
can be answered with another simple question: has a girl ever gone
through your shit? And the answer is, "Yes, most definitely." Be it
your mom, grandmother, sister, girlfriend, or girl that you’ve been
hooking up with, I can guarantee that one, if not all of these
women, has gone through your shit. You may also be wondering why I,
a girl, am about to tell you what to do so that a females won’t find
anything when rummaging through your belongings like a hyena
fighting for the last piece of meat off of a zebra. The answer to
that would be, plainly, we don’t usually like what we find.
Whenever a girl is going through
her boyfriend’s shit she never goes back to her friend’s house and
says, “Hey guess what I found? Johnny wrote the sweetest love poem
about me in his journal.” It’s more along the lines of, “I found
this love poem in Johnny’s drawer…but it was titled, 'To Johnny,
Love Amber...'” This being one example of things we do not want to
find. So to protect you from some angry females and to protect my
fellow gender from spending the rest of her college career searching
for Amber’s
Facebook profile and AIM name, I am going to give you a few tips
on how to lady-proof your room.
"Pictures must contain absolutely no PDA, meaning
the one of you at the beach with her foot in the lower left-hand
corner is still safe." We will begin with the picture factor.
Pictures of the ex will do nothing but A) Bring back memories that
will not change the fact that they are, in fact, your ex; and B)
Worry/piss off/bother any new prospects. Pictures can be classified
into a few categories: those in plain view, those not in plain view,
and those that help comprise shrines. Pictures that are not in plain
view you honestly shouldn’t have to worry about. Unfortunately, we
live in a deceitful society so I’m going to have to tell you: if you
want to hold on to pictures of past loves, you better keep those
somewhere that your new girlfriend isn’t going to accidentally run
into when she’s grabbing a pen, tissue, pair of socks, or just plain
looking through your shit. A sealed envelope labeled “Family
Shit” should do the trick. Trust me, family shit is not what
they are looking for.
Pictures that are in plain view are only acceptable in a few
situations: if they are part of a collage that your mom made you
when you graduated high school, if both you and her are standing in
a group of people, and lastly if there is absolutely no PDA, meaning
that picture of you at the beach with her foot in the lower
left-hand corner is still safe. Otherwise you can throw them in the
envelope because they will stir up trouble. When it comes to shrines
it could be anything from a framed picture of her on your bedside
table to a multiple-picture frame hanging above your desk displaying
everything from the day you met to a picture of you two “under the
covers.” If you have any of these things I have described, you're
basically telling your new woman that, “I’m not over my ex and I
have no problem rubbing it in your face that I’m sleeping with you,
but
still thinking about her.” Get ‘em down fellas.
Next there are old letters,
postcards, post-its, whatever; those should not be displayed either
and can go right into the envelope with the pics. Then there is the
whole silent-but-deadly category. This category includes things you
would never think to be careful of, but that girls watch for like
hawks. Example one:
condom packs.
If you haven't had sex with your new woman yet, and the first time
you do you take the last condom out of a 3-pack, it doesn’t matter
if you haven’t gotten laid since Michael Jackson first started
taking little boys back to the ranch, she will spend every moment
from the penetration to the finale wondering who you used the other
two with. Example two: hair paraphernalia, including, but not
limited to, hair bands, clips, bobby-pins, and scrunchies (hopefully
not because they are helplessly outdated). These fuckers are sneaky
because while guys will easily overlook them, girls would notice
them even if they were inside a sock under an entire pile of dirty
laundry.
I know this all sounds a bit dramatic, but since you guys are always
complaining about how we are so damn complicated, maybe now you'll
do a little less wondering next time your girl is so bitchy one
night for no reason (hint: she’s sick of waking up to the 8x10 of
your ex-girlfriend’s face every morning). So search and destroy
gentlemen, the ladies will be pleasantly surprised.
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