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Boys, I think you and I both know that when it comes to excuses, you
have tried anything and everything to get yourself off the hook. I
think it’s time to start using a little imagination, or simply grow
some balls, because women are sick to death of hearing your lame
reasons for leaving the toilet seat up, showing up wasted, and not
showing up at all. Here are fifteen excuses you don’t need to waste
your breath on.
1. “My phone died.”
Yes, phones do die. However, there is this cool thing called
“friends,” and chances are if you have any, they have a phone you
can use.
*This also applies to the lost phone clause.
2. “She kissed me.”
Unless she blindfolded you, tied you up, or slipped a roofie into
your Budweiser, you should be able to avoid the lip lock. Chances
are if it was a dude
going in for the kill (unless that’s what you’re into), you
could move away in time, and it shouldn’t be any different if it’s a
chick.
3. “My roommate just broke
up with his girl.”
Nine times out of ten when a guy gets broken up with, the first
thing he’s going to reach for is the bottle, not his buddy.
4. “I blacked out.”
Okay, you probably did black out. But if you really didn’t want to
bone that other girl, you didn’t have to drink jungle juice until
the 300-pound chick from your economics class looked like Charlize
Theron.
5. “I thought we were just
friends.”
Do you have sex with Tom, Joe, and Brian too? Unless you have
established that you want absolutely no commitment, this excuse is
useless after you’ve slept together more than twice.
6. “I have to wake up
early.”
Lame…that’s just lame.
7. “I forgot condoms.”
Unless you are
ready to be some baby’s daddy, it might be smart to throw one in
your back pack next time. I know sex is better when you don’t have
latex suffocating your man stick but honestly, is it that hard to
run to the store?
8. “I have a headache.”
If your head hurts enough that you can’t hang out, it should hurt
enough for you to skip out on the keg of Longtrail at your buddies'.
Don’t use an excuse that should keep you in the house if you are
going to be caught like a deer in headlights out of it.
9. “I have a lot of
homework.”
In general, if you are a college student, you always have a lot of
homework. This is only acceptable during finals.
10. “I’m too high.”
…Fuckin’ potheads.
11. “I’m still in love with my
ex-girlfriend.”
When you say this and then start dating the girl in your advertising
class, it’s kind of a give away. Plus, once you’ve previously
labeled your ex as the Wicked Witch of West Campus, saying your
getting back with her makes you look like a liar…and an
asshole.
12. “I’m too tired.”
If you just ran a marathon, took an 8am final, had an orgy, and then
ate a Thanksgiving dinner, then you can be too tired.
13. “My __________ died.”
Wow. WOW. This girl must be really really unattractive.
14. “I just bought that for
you.”
Not a good idea to try to convince your girl that the pearl thong
she found under your nightstand next to a bottle of massage oil is
a gift for her. The fact that it’s not even her size just adds
insult to injury.
15. “The game is on.”
When you are a Birkenstock-wearing, dreadlock-toting,
marijuana-smoking, Frisbee player, your woman may not believe it
when you say, “The boys and I are hitting up the pep rally before we
paint our chests and pound Heinekens at Brad’s place.”
Disclaimer: I recognize
that all of these excuses are true at one time or another. However,
your grandmother can only die so many times. My advice is, next time
you aren’t feeling a girl, tell her. She’ll get over you, I promise.
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