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It's pretty much guaranteed that any person you date in college has
probably dated someone before you and will probably date someone
after you. The all-so-unmistakable baggage factor is not one that
can be escaped until someone actually puts those "erase bad memory"
pills on the market. The problem is, at our age it can still be hard
to figure out how to handle your ex-boyfriends and girlfriends. What
is acceptable and what is a sure-fire way to piss off the person you
are currently with? What's inbounds and what is a foul ball? For
those of you who don't really know where to draw the line, or didn't
even know there was a line to be drawn, this one's for you.
Let's start off with pictures.
Pictures have always been a soft spot for me, if it wasn't obvious
enough in my
How to Lady Proof Your Room spiel. Holding on to some pictures
hidden somewhere, like a dictionary with a hole cut in it, is only
natural. Pictures up on the wall? No go. I once dated a guy where if
you walked into his room, his ex-girlfriend could have easily been
mistaken for his fiancé, and I easily could have been mistaken for
his sister. If you haven't experienced this already, girls are not
cool with the ex being visible in pictures or in person. We would
rather imagine her as some shrew with leprosy. No really, we would.
The way you interact with your ex varies depending on the status of
your previous relationship. If you broke up over a year ago,
communication is fine. An occasional phone call can be expected or
an email with some life updates can be expected, maybe even an IM if
your feeling especially friendly. Text messages are by no means
acceptable though. Texting is not something you do to "catch up."
Texting is something you do when you are bored, flirting, or
nervous. If your current fling finds a text to or from your ex,
prepare to find yourself treading on thin ice. Girls would like
finding an ex-text about as much as they would like to find out that
Paris Hilton is transferring to their school.
If you broke up recently, I would recommend putting any kind of
communication on hold. This is obviously not an option if you are in
the same group of friends or go to a small school but if at all
possible, try to do the impossible: remove them from your buddy
list, take their number out of your phone, and put the pics in a
drawer. Getting over someone is a lot easier if they're not in your
face anyway. And it's a lot harder to drunk dial someone if they're
not in your phone book. If you break up and are on great terms right
away, chances are you are probably still having great sex with that
person too. Good sex can get in the way of making a clean cut. It is
usually a good idea to chill and spend some time with your friends
and without a new woman or man in your life right after the split,
because a rebound relationship usually just makes things more
complicated and uncomfortable.
Once you do get into a rebound
relationship—which we all do even though we shouldn't—either be
completely honest with the new person you're seeing (i.e. you're
still vulnerable from a recent breakup and you're not sure what you
want right at the moment) or, conversely, try to keep it on the DL.
If you can't be honest but are going to do it anyways, don't put it
in this new person's face. Save the drunk dials and Facebook pokes
for your alone time. If you are not over someone, try to come to
terms with it. The best way to judge this is by estimating how much
time you spend talking to your friends about them. A few times a
week: okay, understandable. Daily: you may need some more time.
Throughout the day: you definitely need some more time. Sometimes it
would be nice to date someone who doesn't have anyone in their past
for you to fret over, however, a person without experience is just
as much of a bummer as someone who seems slightly too experienced.
If you are confident in your new relationship, and by this I mean
you're pretty sure your new boyfriend isn't still hooking up with
his ex and is legitimately interested in you, try to let go of his
past. Sure it's easy to stress over, but frantically searching for
someone who goes to his ex-girlfriend's school so you can check out
her Facebook profile is borderline psycho. The more relaxed you are
about his past, the more relaxed he will be. While some people may
carry baggage, not everyone's bags need to be searched.
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