>>> About Last Night…
By staff writer Ali Wisch
March 15, 2006
I know all of you probably get plenty of head, but a little more never hurt anyone, right? While I would love to write an article directed toward girls about how to improve the art of fellatio, I do not know the names of any fancy tricks, and I think “don’t bite” is pretty much a given. Instead I thought I would give guys a few tips on how to receive it better. (You shouldn’t be so lucky, right?)
I’m not saying this is going to get girls flocking to your penis like it’s attached to Brad Pitt’s body, but if you follow this advice, who knows, next week your girlfriend may be feeling slightly more generous.
Tip #1: Don’t mistake the blowjobs you are receiving for those you are observing on facefucker.com.
A mouth is not a vagina, and not all girls are able to fit 4+ inches of rock-hard man down their throats at eighty miles an hour. There is also something called a gag reflex; unfortunately we do have it. Shoving your schlong down your girl’s throat like it’s the never-ending hole of glory won’t get youoff and might even get you thrown up on.
Tip #2: Your woman’s hair is not to be confused with “handlebars” or anything of the sort.
Pulling gently on your girlfriend’s locks is one thing. Shoving her head down like you’re trying to drown her in a toilet bowl is another. She knows it’s there, and when she comes up for air, chances are she’s going back down. A nice alternative is to hold her hair out of the way so she’s not eating that along with your dick.
Tip #3: Spit or swallow, you’re still getting off.
I know it would be a lot nicer if you didn’t have to pause right before the finale. Most girls that I’ve spoken to don’t have a problem with adding a little extra protein to their diet, but for those who do, cut them a break. Your man milk doesn’t exactly taste like butterscotch. Also, a little warning is nice. Sometimes it can be hard to tell if you’re even finished. We need more than just a flinch. Two words, “I’m close,” should do the trick.
Tip #4: There are numerous ways to let your flavor of the week know that you are in the mood for a blowjob.
The “oh so popular” pushing down on your girl’s shoulders while you are making out is getting a little old. After we feel the slightest bit of pressure pushing downward, trust me, we know what’s going on. Continuously trying to shimmy up and scoot us down can get aggravating. I’m not saying don’t let us know, just give us a minute. Nagging is not hot in any way, shape, or form. You could try simply asking; however, make sure to stay away from coming off sleazy. As soon as your girl hears, “Baby would you lube my tube,” I can pretty much guarantee she’ll be heading for the door. You might even want to try a little reverse psychology. Girls like it when the ball is in their court. Try telling them you don’t want them to feel like they have to give you head, and you may be surprised how quickly they get down there.
Tip #5: If you’re open enough, give her advice.
If your girlfriend gives head like she eats an artichoke, you could be in for a pretty painful surprise. Most girls won’t take offense if you tell them to go a little bit faster, use both their hands, play with your balls, or wear a mouth guard. On second thought, maybe keep the mouth guard comment to yourself. If she doesn’t know how to improve, she won’t be able to. Some people take constructive criticism very critically, so choose your words wisely. Also, while you are critiquing her, it’s always good to encourage. If she’s given you good head, tell her; it will make her more confident, thus increasing the chances it will happen again sooner than later.
Tip #6: Return the favor.
I’m not saying you have to every time, but it’s nice to know that the road goes both ways. After all, blowjobs are not as easy as they may seem. And to quote Sex and the City, “They don’t call it a job for nothing.”