>>> About Last Night…
By staff writer Ali Wisch
March 1, 2006
1. Anything Involving the ASS HOLE: Every girl I know has been through a situation similar to this one. You’re watching Wedding Crashers, and it’s about an hour in. Your man’s hand is no longer on your shoulder but now on your boob. Things start to get a little hot. Before you know it the pants are off and the hands are exploring further terrain. Everything is going well until…WHOA! HELLO! NOT OKAY, NOTTTTTT OKAY. You boyfriend’s finger is now immersed in last night’s dinner’s…leftovers. Talk about uncomfortable.
2. Golden Showers:Save these for prostitutes in the Red Light District, frat initiations, and R. Kelly.Please, if you can tell me one thing about getting pissed on that is sexual, I would love to hear it. I know people have fetishes so please, suck on as many toes all you want. The second urine comes into the picture, however, you are no longer engaged in sexual activity. You are engaged in role playing: as a toilet seat. That’s not sexy.
3. Ejaculation of the Face: The only white cream I want on my face is pore cleanser. Sure, I’ve seen this act numerous times in porn videos online. And while yes, sometimes these girls do look like they are enjoying themselves, keep in mind they are also getting paid. If you’re thinking “outside the box,” think tits and ass, not eyeballs.
4. Unsolicited Three-Ways: I’m sure at some point in your life, you will partake in a three-way. If not, your choice. But let’s say you’re hooking up with your man of the moment, your flavor of the week. You’re not thinking of having a three-way; you haven’t even talked about having a three-way, yet his frat buddy comes into the room and asks if he can join in. Something is wrong. Why are you the only one alarmed in this situation? Why is the presence of two penises in such close proximity not raising red flags with anyone else? Word to the wise: just say no. Until actual penetration is involved, there is always time to hop off of that lofted bed and bolt for the door.
5. Anything Involving Your Best Friend: I’m sure he’s asked. If he hasn’t, he’s either stupid or gay. However, you should never consent to anything involving your best friend. Yes, he probably fantasizes about it, but fantasies are just that—not reality. Do you really want your BFF to know the size of your boyfriend’s schlong and the contours of your vagina? I didn’t think so.
6. Baby Talk: Ooo mommy, baby likes it when you sucky his wee wee. What. The. Fuck. I’m sorry but there is nothing less sexual than thinking that the “wee wee” you’re sucking on belongs to a guy who likes to pretend he’s your child. It’s called “fast-forward into the future, walking in on your husband’s kiddy porn stash.” Take this as some major foreshadowing.
7. Raping the Face: If you didn’t know this already, most girls won’t even stay with someone who is a bad kisser. We like our lips kissed, ears are an all systems go, and the neck is definitely a safe zone. Cheekbones, nostrils, and eyebrows should only be licked by dogs—and I’m not talking about dickhead guys.
8. Hickies: I’m not anti-hickies. A little suckage never killed anyone, but nobody wants to look like they’ve been attacked by a swarm of leeches. Forcing the girl you hooked up with to walk around wearing a turtleneck or scarf in April is nothing short of humiliating. The only place you or your girl should be sucking on is…not be visible to the public.
Please Note: I am aware that there are a lot of people who like to engage in all eight topics listed above, and there is nothing wrong with that. These are my personal views and the views of people I have discussed the above topics with.