Been Around the Block, High

Recently, I decided to take a relatively lengthy hiatus from my good friend ganja. Anyway, upon quitting, my memory has returned and I realized I have a folder full of half finished comedy articles on my computer.

Ironically, among them is the following one, which I had previously decided not to post for several reasons, most of which relate to my chances of ever having any sort of real career in the future. That being said, you may have noticed that I haven’t put up any columns in the last couple weeks (or maybe you haven’t, you ungrateful bastard), so it’s going up anyway, with a few minor changes so as to make it slightly more difficult for potential employers to find out that I do drugs with a simple Google search.

As one who partakes in the pot (takes doses from a doobie, relaxes with the reefer, handles the hash, smokes the sticky, goes for the ganja, wields the weed, musters the Mary Jane, communes with the chronic) on a fairly regular basis (figure at least two more bowls before I finish writing this), I have seen some things (a few that didn’t even exist) that the average smoker has not. (Also, I’m really digging parentheses these days.) Since it’s this or write a paper, I’ll even describe them for you. Some are good, some are bad, but stick with the habit long enough and you’ll see all of them.

"If you wanted to get skinny and glamorous, you should’ve tried coke."

I’m sure you’re all familiar with the munchies. Some people get them; some don’t. I, for one, get the munchies like a swimsuit model gets awkwardly hit on at a comic convention. While I enjoy every bite of food I consume while high, there are eventually some negative consequences.

You see, the thing about putting 6,000 calories of food in your body over the course of an hour is that it all has to come back out at some point. This usually doesn't happen until the next morning. You get up, pee, and shower, and all of a sudden it feels as though something bursts inside of you. You run screaming like a little girl to the bathroom (which isn’t appropriate, unless you are a little girl, in which case you should email one of the many, loveable male PIC writers).

After a solid twenty minutes or so, your asshole feels like you’ve just spent the night in a Mexican prison, but you feel otherwise relieved, and return to whatever it is you were doing with your life. After about fifteen minutes or so, however, you’ll be headed back to return the finless brown bass to its natural waters. Repeat this about four or five times, and once you’re done, the softest Cottonelle with which you wipe will feel like sandpaper. Burning sandpaper. Made of broken glass.

Nothing special about this except that I own one, and it cost me a shit ton of money, so you’ll forgive me if I like to talk about it. It’s named The Commodore, and it’s awesome. That is all about this.

Some people, when asked how to get high for little or no money, will make brilliant suggestions like smoking the skins of peanuts or shaving off the inside of a banana skin, grilling it, and smoking it with tobacco (I’m not making these up).

There’s a much better solution. Instead of buying crappy dime bags with the change you manage to steal from your friends’ couches, save up and buy a really nice bong. Doesn’t have to be really expensive, just something people will talk about. Soon you’ll have a trail of stoners wandering in and out of your room smoking you out just so they can have a try at your ever-so-novel piece.

[Recent edit: Marine has illustrated this brilliantly in his tale of the Dragon Bong, which, if Fearless Editor Court will be so kind, should be a pretty red, underlined link by the time this is published.]

Once you smoke enough, everything will be a surprise—where you parked your car your mom’s name, why that guy is living in your house, even how to do simple things like use utensils. But, thankfully, recent studies have shown that marijuana prevents Alzheimer’s.

It’s unexpected because it’s not in the pot. Nonetheless, if you smoke and then eat a large pizza, half a box of Cap’n Crunch, a bowl of ice cream, and half a bottle of ranch dressing (that one was gross, seriously), you’re going to put on a few. If you wanted to get skinny and glamorous, you should’ve tried coke.

...and the iTunes visualizer is just like one long movie that replaces characters, plot, scenery, direction, and a script with bright colors that move quickly and eventually pull you into the magical world of your monitor. Speaking of which, brb.

[Recent edit: It’d be easy to guess that when I wrote that last sentence, it was just for effect. Frankly, I don’t remember what I did, but that’s where the article ends, and that’s where I’m going to leave it.]

I’m pretty sure this video’s already made its way around the internet, so you may have seen it already. For those who haven’t, though, I’m pleased to present Candy Mountain.