If You Give a Mouse a Cookie...

If you give a Mouse a cookie...

He's going to want a few more. After all, it's buy two get the third half off, so you have to buy in bulk.

After his fifth cookie, the Mouse gets an upset stomach, so he pops a few Alka-Seltzer. The Alka-Seltzer wears off after a few hours, so he takes a few Tums...

The next day the Mouse experiences heartburn, sweatiness stomach pains, and lightheadedness. He takes Advil and checks WebMD...

WedMD says he could have gastroesophageal reflux disease, an uncomfortable disease that could lead to vomiting blood. He quickly rushes to the store to buy Omeprazole, and while he's there he picks up vitamin tablets and calcium supplements...

The Mouse begins to feel better, and continues to eat these cookies. He goes to Costco and buys massive boxes of them, stocking up his cabinets...

Over the next few weeks Mouse begins to not only gain weight, but also experiences constipation, chest pain, and difficulty breathing and seeing. WebMD says it could be sickle cell disease or glaucoma, but his doctor prescribes him blood thinners, suspecting small blood clots...

The Vicodin causes constipation, and the mouse is diagnosed with Irritable Bowel Syndrome, and put on Miralax..Although the blood thinners stop the chest pains and difficulty breathing, Mouse still experiences constipation, weight gain, and the occasional erectile dysfunction. He begins to slip into depression, eating more cookies and gaining more weight. He takes diet pills, but they don't work and only serve to raise his blood pressure. Mouse grows anxious, starts smoking cigarettes, and begins slipping into depression...

Mouse attends therapy sessions and is given anti-depressants. To be cautious, the doctor tests him for Attention Deficit Disorder, and discovers Mouse is suffering from ADHD. So the doctor prescribes him Adderall...

The Adderall and anti-depressants makes Mouse very tired, so he pops a few caffeine pills to wake him up in the morning. By noon, the caffeine pills have given Mouse a headache, so he takes more Advil to relieve the pain. The side effects of his anti-depressants magnify his erectile dysfunction, so he buys some Viagra. While at the store, he buys some more diet pills and multivitamins...

In time, the headaches turn to migraines that keep him up all night. After seeing his doctor again, he is prescribed Excedrin to counteract the migraines. The Excedrin really helps, but makes it difficult for him to sleep at night, so he still takes caffeine pills.

For a while Mouse feels better, so he buys more cookies because he found a coupon in the newspaper. And you can't have a cookie without milk, so he buys a gallon of that too. On the way to the back of the store, he also re-ups on vitamins, diet pills and cigarettes...

That week, Mouse notices he has started to lose weight, but at the cost of nausea and abdominal pain. WebMD suggests pancreatitis, but his doctor says it's most likely a stomach ulcer due to a combination of smoking cigarettes and high blood pressure from the diet pills. His physician prescribes him powerful antacids, but when the stomach pain continues, he sees a different doctor, who prescribes him Vicodin for the pain...

The Vicodin causes constipation, and the mouse is diagnosed with Irritable Bowel Syndrome, and put on Miralax. The discomfort still keeps Mouse up all night, so he takes two caffeine pills every morning.

In time, Mouse is told he is lactose intolerant and that his stomach pains have been from drinking milk with his cookies. His stomach pains will subside if he no longer consumes dairy products. Miserable that he can no longer eat his precious cheese or drink milk with his cookies, Mouse begins to drink heavily...

After his third DUI, Mouse enters Alcohol Anonymous and attends therapy sessions. By this time, he has stopped taking diet pills and has gained morbid amounts of weight, leading to back problems. Even with increases in Vicodin, he is unable to work and loses his job at the factory...

Determined to lose weight, Mouse becomes anorexic and bulimic, throwing up to make him skinnier. His esophagus is burnt up from the stomach acid, and that, combined with his cigarette smoking, leads to a tumor in his throat. He slips further into depression and develops a drug habit.

Mouse is sent to rehab after a Vicodin overdose. His girlfriend walks in on him blacked out, surrounded by a pool of his own bloody vomit.

During his stay in rehab, a doctor prescribes Mouse medical marijuana for his symptoms. After picking up a bag of Northern Lights, he needs a way to smoke it.

So he buys a bong...

After two bong hits, three joints, and a hash brownie, Mouse no longer has back pain, anxiety, and stomach pains. His blood pressure remains normal and his anorexia is extinguished. After a few months, doctors see that his throat tumor has subsided, and after chemotherapy he is completely healed...

And at this point, all he wants is a cookie.