The Five Most Retarded Sunglasses in Hip-Hop

Part of being a celebrity with thousands of adoring fans is being able to set trends and styles that your admirers will follow. The idea that you're so rich and famous that you can push the limits of what's normal and try to revolutionize fashion has worked for some celebrities, but failed for others.

What's even worse is that this sense of obscenity has pushed past the limits of shirts and shoes and come to poison to style of sunglasses. What was once an innocent tool invented to protect your eyes from UV rays has been transformed into the most grotesque fashion statement in history.

Here are the artists wearing the five most retarded glasses in hip-hop today.

5. Kanye West

Kanye West glassesWho would have thought that being the voice of a generation makes it so difficult to see?Of course, when you think about dumb glasses, you think of Kanye West, the self-proclaimed "voice of our generation." Of course, this would only be true if our entire generation was comprised of brooding egotists who all thought George Bush hates black people. I'm not going to say anything else about Kanye other than the fact that he likes fishsticks.

Kanye West's glasses, or as I like to call them, the Peeping Tom Glasses, are intended for the person who takes pleasure in going half blind, while still enjoying the feeling of peering through someone's window shades. God forbid you ever enter the club in them—provided you're allowed in after mistaking the bouncer for a hooker—and have to navigate around a crowded, poorly lit dance floor. After twenty minutes of stumbling around, knocking over drinks and walking in the wrong bathroom, you would blindly hit on what you thought was a cute girl, only to find out it's really a subwoofer.

What's worse is that once a second person enters the club wearing a pair of those shades, the two people transform from hip trendsetters to unoriginal assholes. Luckily, the pattern on the glasses prevents the two from locking eyes, saving them from the humiliating realization that they're both unoriginal douchebags.

4. Soulja Boy Tell ‘Em

Soulja Boy glasses
There is truly nothing more gangster than the candy shop.
I hate Soulja Boy. I despise him. I loathe his lack of talent, whiny ass voice, and fake lifestyle. His song "Crank That" not only polluted dance floors everywhere, but also tarnished the name of one of the greatest superheroes of all time. Also, isn't he gay? I could have sworn I saw an internet picture of him getting "the lurpz" from a dude. Is that some sort of Lil Wayne, "I kissed my daddy" stunt, or should he have changed the chorus of his song to "Superman that bro"?

Instead of creating his own design of glasses like Kanye, Soulja opted to buy a pair of huge white sunglasses and then write all over the lenses. Does he even realize why they put glass there? It's so you have a clear line of vision. He might as well have written his name on paper and taped it over his face. Instead, he draws his name all over these glasses, obstructing his view as well as his ability to make good decisions. Can you imagine driving with sunglasses like that?

Friend: Dude why are you putting your blinker on?
Soulja:
I'm gunna pass this massive letter "S".
Friend:
What?
Soulja:
This asshole driving a backwards S keeps cutting me off.
Friend:
Dude I think that's your glasses.
Soulja:
Nah dawg, it's thi—WHAT THE FUCK! (swerves)
Friend:
Holy shit, what?
Soulja:
The words "CRANK DAT" just swerved right into my lane!

If we're lucky, Soulja Boy will crash his car, hopefully shattering his glasses and career.

3. Lady Gaga

Lady Gaga glassesI'm really not sure what Lady Gaga's deal is. She makes popular dance floor hits, but her sense of fashion is beyond questionable. She dresses like a real life combination of mix-and-match Barbie and Ms. Potato Head. She's on top of the "what not to wear" list almost every day, but that still didn't stop her from wearing bubbles on her Rolling Stone cover shoot.

These glasses are obviously another obscene fashion statement, but that still doesn't make them acceptable. Are they TVs? Or are they just a metaphoric mirrors reflecting poor choices? These glasses seem very helpful if you want to block your eyes from the sun without exposing your forehead, check bones, and ears to it. The only practical use I can see for these glasses is if you're piloting a jet plane, or if your job involves hours of staring at solar eclipses.

2. Beyoncé

Beyonce glasses
"What's that? Sorry I couldn't hear you over the sound of me being a diva."
Beyoncé is unarguably one of the most beautiful and talented performers of our time. She has worked very hard for her fame and deserves the utmost respect.

That is, until she put on these heinous glasses.

In her song "Diva," Beyoncé describes how a diva is a female version of a hustler; of a of a hustler. And by all means Beyoncé is the definition of a diva, alongside Mary J. Blige, Lil' Kim, and Chris Crocker. It's as if when faced with Kanye's Peeping Tom Glasses she thought, "Window shades? I'll show you window shades!" Not to be outdone, Beyoncé can be seen in her "Diva" music video sporting these obscenely awkward glasses that look less like eyewear and more like a hippie's beaded curtains.

What's realistically wrong with these shades is that they sway as one walks—or in Beyoncé's case, aggressively struts. This may seem cool, but it's actually very dangerous when dangled centimeters away from one's cornea. All it takes is one stray metal strand and Beyoncé could become the female version of a pirate; of a of a pirate.

1. Flava Flav

Flava Flav glassesWhen they finally put the word "wtf" in the dictionary, next to it will be a picture of Flava Flav. What is this guy? I realize he became famous as the hype man for Public Enemy, but is that it? I think he remains the only individual in hip-hop who truly has no talent. He's like if you took Lil Jon, subtracted the Crunk Juice, and added a receding hairline. My honest question is why and how this guy became famous, and then lived out the fantasy of having girls spit on each other over him.

With his sunglasses, Flava Flav continued to represent his style of "things I hope will catch on but never do." Clock? Check. Viking hat? Check. Now all we need is some sort of dysfunctional eyewear... EUREKA! (And yes, Flava Flav definitely yelled "Eureka.") With this style, Flav was trying to say, "I like having the sun out of my eyes, but fuck that arm that goes over your ears." As a result, they created this set of headgear that makes him look like a villain from Power Rangers. This, combined with his greasy skin and unkempt hygiene, gives him the overall appearance of a housefly. The only difference is that houseflies die within 24 hours, and Flava Flav is still clinging to his 15 minutes.

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Ashley Solomon's picture

This is great. I never understood why crowds of women volunteered to win Flavor Flavs love on VH1. He looks like he's homeless. In NA meetings they should really just hold up a picture of him and threaten the heroine addicts that they will someday look like him. Syringes will drop simultaneously all over the globe.

this made me laugh harder than anything has for a long, long time

Gavin Pitt's picture

As an Australian, and thus all about the sunnies (you can always spot an Aussie on holiday, as we are conditioned by our climate to wear sunnies half again as big as our heads) I must say I covet Beyonce's eyewear. Now there's some glasses that teach Sol who's boss!

Neat article!

shit is wack, yo!

Great article, but Kanye didn't 'invent' those glasses. They've been around for a while, just didn't catch on til he put them on.

OMG! Love the article. Fantastic!

dont make fun of lady gaga i realize that you are trying to a fashionista but one with every bad thing must come good you were so set on making fun of them. lady gaga has guts she has been able to do wat you would never do because you think it obscene sure she weird but that is no way to treat her. i hate people like you who have wat it takes to shoot down a celebrity because of what they do well let me tell you something when coming face face with lady gaga if you have anything bad to say to her than you must some character for not even enjoying beeeeing with one of the most succsessful pop icons in history plus her sunglasses may be weird but that is just the bauty of technology and what if you had those cool glasses you would think there really cool so shove critic wanabe

Lady Gaga is just an unoriginal melding of late-1980s Madonna and Roisin Murphy. Take away her outfits (which seem to be designed only with pure shock value in mind), her bleached blonde hair and her "I'm so edgy it hurts" persona and you have a singer of fairly average talent.

Don't get me wrong, she can sing fine. She's just not as special as all the hype that surrounds her makes you believe.

Some of them look a bit daft but they always wanna look different don't they so there'll always be examples like this...

Jessica Lynn's picture

"the only difference is house flies die after 24 hours and Flava Flav is still clinging to his 15 minutes." LOL great article!

you're hot ;)

all of yuu are basterds for making fun of lady gaga she's soo much better than any of yall will ever bee i think yall are just jelous. stupid bitches!

flava flav's glasses are oakley, both oakley and flava flav are pieces of overated shit.