The Ancient Fighting Style of the Angry Black Woman

Yo, my name's Tiquasha Jackson. If there's one thing I've learned from growing up on the rough streets of anywhere black people live, it's that anywhere black people live it's a rough street. Ever since White Flight, black people have been popping up in more and more rural areas, infecting the neighborhood with drugs and crime. And while the basic techniques of self-defense might work against purse-snatchers and trench-coat-flashers, black people have genetically evolved to a more dangerous level of attacker. Not only do we blend into any dark background, but our eyes have a clear eyelid membrane to protect us from mace and pepper-spray. Also, today's Air Jordans not only contain the proper ankle support needed to scale 10-foot fences, but also have thick rubber soles to protect us from Taser attacks.

Painting of an ancient African womanWhen you find yourself enveloped in the fiery hell that is black culture, you need a way to defend yourself. As proven by Martin Luther King, Jr. and Malcom X, simple reasoning and rationalization will only get your ass shot (may they rest in peace, brotha). No, the only way to survive in this harsh world is to throw all caution to the wind and fill yourself with hatred and chaos. While other fighting techniques require achieving a high level of physical and mental strength over the course of many years, the only way to defend yourself from the motherfuckas of the hood is to become bat-shit insane—and that only takes a day or two. That is why I am here to help you learn how to fight like an Angry Black Woman.

The Angry Black Woman fighting style has been as much of black culture as fried chicken and hating white people. In times of confrontation, all logic is pushed aside and two grimy bitches are forced to physically battle. Whether your baby's daddy be sleepin' with another hoe, or some bitch be dancin' too close to you in the club, the Angry Black Woman fighting style is a universally accepted approach to conflict resolution in black culture. And while black brothas carry guns and knives, their female counterparts carry a much more deadly weapon: bottled rage. If unleashed, this anger can be focused into a tantrum of thrashing manicures and high heels. I am here to teach you how to defend yourself against this lethal wrath, and how to develop your own style of Angry Black Woman.

Unlike skinny-ass white bitches who are all talk, black women are one of the deadliest forces in the world, second only to hurricanes and European soccer fans.The first step to survival is recognizing your surroundings. Is there loud, violent rap music playing? Are there people "walking it out" and "pop, locking, and dropping it"? These dance mating rituals are common amongst black people, and getting in the way of them could end fatally. If you find yourself surrounded by jiggling booties, drinks, and two-steps, you know to keep your guard up.

In time the atmosphere of blunts, crack rocks, and grape soda will bring everyone to a "crunk" level of aggression, and the angry black women in the crowd will begin to emerge. They can be spotted by their unprecedented ghetto haircuts and supreme level of confidence, a skill unknown to the skinny, whiny, white woman. Similar to peacock feathers, these ghetto black hairstyles are a way of flamboyantly exhibiting female individuality during these mating rituals. Other traits include an excessively disproportionate ass bouncing around, accompanied by a protruding belly and sagging tits.

Two black women fighting on the ground.While other fighting styles include silent attacks and devious schemes, Angry Black Woman is very blatant. This is good, because it allows others to pick up on the signs of an arising scuffle and prepare accordingly. The fights could break out for a number of reasons, ranging from someone stealin' someone else's man, to spilt Kool-Aid. Whatever the case, the Angry Black Woman fighting style fits a defined progression of anger before exploding into a rampage of chaos.

The first sign you will pick up on is the yelling. This incoherent screaming can be heard for miles, and is a warning to all other hoes that they had better back off, lest they want an altercation. But the shouting is nothing more than belligerent rambling, consisting of sentence fragments and the word "Fuck." Sayings like, "Oh, I'ma smack dat bitch!" and, "Oh no you didn'!" will be repeated over and over during the first stage of Angry Black Woman. It is during this time that you should take note of the nearest exits.

Unlike skinny-ass white bitches who are all talk, black women are one of the deadliest forces in the world, second only to hurricanes and European soccer fans. Eventually, the yelling will escalate to the next stage of combat, in which the black women will prepare for confrontation. In order to properly whip her opponent's ass, the woman must remove her jewelry, shoes, and heavy clothing, making her more aerodynamic and dexterous in the melee. If you plan on participating, remove your earrings, necklace, and bracelets, all while continually yelling threats. If you are wearing high heels, take them off and hand them to a friend. Similar to Roman gladiators and Spartan warriors, you are now ready for battle.

In contrast to other fights in which the two opponents circle one another in the arena, the Angry Black Woman style is all about power. And few things are scarier than a full-grown black woman charging at you with claws drawn. In a true clash of force, the two or more fighters will blitz towards each other, resulting in an explosion of brawn in the center of the fracas.

In this pandemonium of anarchy and hatred, there are many different moves black women use. If you can recognize the following types of attacks, you will stand a better chance of survival.

  1. The Hair Grab

    Without her shoes, a black woman's center of gravity is severely thrown off. Upon colliding into a fury of fists, women will grab onto anything they can for stability. This typically results in both women clutching each other's hair with one fist and wailing upon each other's heads with the other. Alternating blows will occur until one girl fails to remain balanced without her shoes and falls to the ground.

    Black women with ghetto weavesOne thing that should be kept in mind is that many black women have hair extensions, weaves, or even wigs. Ripping out a women's hair is a surefire way to rack up points during a brawl, and the pain associated with ripping out a weave is enough to make a full-grown woman pass out.

  2. The Spit

    Using bodily fluids to defend oneself is a technique used by many animals of prey, and is no exception in the Angry Black Woman fighting style. When one woman finds her limbs entangled and is unable to physically hit the other, she will resort to spitting large wads of saliva into the other's face, not only humiliating them, but affecting their ability to see. If used correctly, the spit could render your opponent blind.

  3. The Claw

    This is the most aggressive of attacks, named after the claw-like appearance of a black woman's fingers. Outfitted with long nails, one swipe of this powerful hand could dig deep into the skin, drawing blood and ripping out more hair. Remember, the more hair you pull out of her head, the less of a ghetto haircut she will be able to display in the future.

  4. The Arm Maul

    If one does not have the proper fingers for the Claw and finds herself on the losing end of a Hair Grab, she can resort to psychotically flailing her arms toward her opponent, hitting whatever lies in her path. This charge is typically used upfront, as each woman is desperate to lay the first blow to her foe. It can also be used as a last resort, in an attempt to take out your rival before she knocks you the fuck out. The only downfall of the Arm Maul is that it leaves your head open to counterattacks.

  5. The Shoe Smack

    In the turbulence that is an Angry Black Woman fight, many bitches will be entering and exiting the maniacal mosh pit, either catching their breath or healing from a painful smack while others continue to fight. Occasionally, before jumping back into the vortex, some women will grab a shoe they took off and use it as a weapon. Sharp heels can be used to stab a challenger, and long straps can turn the average shoe into a medieval ball and chain.

So there you are, immersed in a massacre of weaves and fake nails. Eventually, the two of you will lose your footing and the duel will move to the ground. Normally, both fighters would be allowed to stand back up for the fight to resume, but this is hardly a normal fight. In Angry Black Woman, a fight on the turf turns into a ground-and-pound that would make UFC fighters flinch. The grappling involved in a ground skirmish shows the versatility of this fighting technique, and the level of intensity is increased with every dangerous second the fight remains on the ground.

You've come this far, and if you plan on knocking this skank-bitch out, there are a few things to keep in mind.

  1. Show No Dignity

    Perhaps the one thing that separates Angry Black Woman from other combat methods is the lack of dignity both fighters show. Just because this fight has moved to the ground doesn't mean you have to worry about getting dirty. In times of such ferocity, the one who pauses to fix her shirt is the one who gets knocked the fuck out.

  2. Rip Off Her Clothing

    While rolling around in the filth of a dance floor or neighborhood sidewalk, you are going to lose your firm grip on this bitch's hair. Not to worry, because once the fight has gone to the ground, a different objective arises: to rip every possible article of clothing off of your opponent. Loose tassels, long sleeves, and necklaces are fair game in this tug-o-war, all while maintaining a consistent barrage on the back of her head. Extra points if you manage to make one of her tits pop out.

  3. Kick Her While She's Down

    Perhaps the only benefit of keeping your shoes on is the ability to kick once the fight has gone to the ground. Sharpened heels can cripple a rival, and legs can typically reach further than flapping arms. That, and kicking an opponent while she's down ensures that you have suppressed enough character to win this fight.

  4. Execute the Head Smash

    Equivalent to the Fatality in Mortal Kombat games, the head smash is the ultimate finishing move to this fight. Once you have endured the entire battle and left your foe a crumbled ball of half-naked worthlessness, the head smash is the climactic finale. Simply grab what is left of your opponent's hair (if all the hair is gone, palm that bitch's head like a basketball) and use it to smash her face off the pavement. This conclusion to the fight shows everyone that you are the boss, and that you will inflict permanent brain damage to anyone stupid enough to challenge you.

Congratulations! You just won your first Angry Black Woman duel! You can now survive in the harsh crusade of black culture, keeping your reputation up and also working your way to Head Bitch In Charge. Just keep in mind that every fight will be a different battle and that in order to truly be the best you need to practice all the time. Maybe find a nappy-headed hoe who will let you smash her around a bit, or join a gym that allows you to spar in heels. Learning to battle under different conditions in different scenarios will ensure your strength.

Whatever the case, know that Angry Black Woman is a very serious technique and is not to be practiced negligibly. It is my hope that with this guide, Angry Black Woman will become a way for black culture to rise up from the ashes and show those other martial arts who's the head bitch in charge.

Yeah that's right bitch, I'm talkin' to you. Oh what did you just say?! Oh no you didn'! I'ma smack dat bitch!!

C'mon, one more:

Frank's picture

Wow, that is hilarious.

oooh, what's that? I hear self righteous hipster douchefuckers unable to take a racial joke coming to flame you.

Great article still. Really funny.

bahahah i didnt think you could one-up the gay article on offensiveness. well done. its a bit long, but its worth the read.

Hamish West's picture

That's fucking awesome!


You're not Gaudio! Stop FUCKING TRYING! YOU FAIL AT IT!


What the fuck is a gaudio?

this was fucking stupid

You clearly need to culture yourself, this is the kind of shit that gets us as a whole nowhere.

Will you be my best friend? Actually, I think you already are. I must know someone this awesome. These have been my thoughts precisely but I'm not so good with the words. You are like my Doug Butabi, my Jim Carrey in Dumb and Dumber. Perhaps the latter isn't such a good reference but I feel you got my point.

Point is, I would like to thank you for writing this. I will save this and submit it as my College admissions essay. I'm sure to be accepted at any establishment.

Thanks, Alex.

This has got to be the most ridiculous bs ever written about black women. As a young white man you know absolutely nothing about african american culture. I guess your next article should be how to pick up guys like a white woman. Where excessive amounts of alcohol are needed and also don't forget the making out with your friend to get such frat boys attention. You are an idiot and whoever let you post this is an idiot. If you are the future and I am deeply worried and sad.

WAIT. So saying that about slutty white girls ISN'T racist bs? I'm confused. You're allowed to be racist (and funny), but he's not?

im a real-live black girl, and this made me laugh. It was a it long, but some of this stuff is so true. I guess I could get offended, but it isn't that serious. black people alway make fun of white people anyway.i wanna say kudos, but it doesnt feel right =)

this is funny!!!! long, but funny. Not true all the time, but as a black woman, I have seen it a few times.

Jordanne ChildLeftBehind-Shortbus-HabeasCorpus Brazzierecup's picture

WELL you know... this all was really funny and completely and painfully true and all but the fact that I am familiar with this fighting style prevents me from laughing... :/

nigger bitch!!!



if you are russian then you should look into your self and see that the worst things in life that can not be imagined any where in the world happens in russia. lazy dog

WHAT THE FUCK? lol, first of all, educate yourself on Russia, matter of fact, go there. They have the hottest women you can find (and if you`re ugly, buy). It is a beautiful country. Second of all, the writer is not Russian, it is supposed to be a joke. Notice how he said he was born in 1890. That is physically impossible.
Lastly, you, my friend are an idiot and the cold war has been over for twenty years. Welcome to reality.

*sends this page to every Crips & Bloods.



Now your comment was funnier than this whole thing. It was short and made me laugh! You should give some tips to this author

Omg this is hilarious, you can tell he isn´t a racist but that it´s merely a joke and I have black friends sitting here wetting themselves with laughter!!! It´s funny because parts of it are true, (not all black women are fat or anything, i mean look at hallie berry :D) but blackwomen really defend that they believe in. and if they believe you´re wrong...suerte haha.

haha, i thought this was funny! i'm black so i can laugh racist bastards!! jk jk. people don't think this is offensive because its just a caricature of a stereotype. i'm sure he doesn't mean ALL black women do this. just the ones on jerry springer.

What is racist about this article? The black race cannot handle criticism (or anything else, in fact).

racism-hatred or intolerance of another race or other races.

see this whole article is based off of RACIAL stereotypes of African american females. not to mention the opening paragraph was exceptionally racist considering the fact that he stated that since black people move into your neighbor hood you will see more violence and more drugs. every race is violent and every race has a drug problem, you are only seeing more violence and more drugs because that is what you are looking for,"search and you will find"

Also, judging from the rest of your comment, i don't think you would be able to understand what is racist and what is not because the last part of your comment was incredible racist.
have fun living your future in a hole you bigot moron.

The black race cannot handle anything? Systematic rape fro hundreds of years (this sparked the civil rights movement, but they won't teach you that), hanging from trees (fairly often until 70's), breastfeeding white children while your own starve for mothers milk (until 60's very common in the upper crust), not being a citizen until after 350 years, the governemt conspiring murder when a leader suceeds in leading his people and isolating the black dollar (Coretta Scott won a wrongful death suit against the US gov't in 1999- google it), going to jail for shooting himself, while a white cop goes free after he was videotaped killin a black man faced down with handcuffs. Since when have ya'll dealt with such legalized terror in this country? Why dont we perform studies on whites who are most likely to : kill their parents, kill their spouse, be prescribed psychotropic meds, kill their co workers, and sexually abuse their kids? Would you like to be constantly reminded of the evils of whiteness? Could you handle it? Would it make you 'sensitive'? Really the list of crimes against humanity (at the hands of whites and their elites) are too numerous to mention and is deeper than black and white. Your history books and movies reveal you can handle anything BUT the truth. The article reveals that the writer is so ashamed of his black side that he thinks he has to engage in self loathing to be accepted..Guys like him are the reason I don't believe racial mixing will solve racism. We will just have a nation of house negroes who are more hateful than whites -wanting white acceptance

Really? Nobody alive (in the U.S.) today has ever legally done any of those things to ANYBODY. It's in the past, and in America we do not believe in punishing or persecuting people because of what their GRANDFATHERS did. Learn it or leave. =P

sigh. not even funny. you have a poor command of the traditional african american accent/speech pattern, making it hard to suspend belief that you are Tiquasha anything. Racial satire can be done soo much better (funnier)

You should be ashamed of yourself and this article will be reported

a very entertaining article.

Since about 1/3 black/African american students are ghetto at my school, this is hilarious.


the levels of douche you've reached here are off the charts. jesus christ, shut up already.

I feel prepared. im skinny, but im mad so i can smack a bitch down... also the writer is cute... motivation to read the whole article.

I'm not black, but I smoke blunts with my black friends almost daily. Most of them are from Gary, Indiana, and it doesn't get a whole lot more ghetto than that. They think it's hilarious to make racial jokes, and usually they add "it's true, it's true!". Like I bought a Philly Blunt wrap, known for being cheap, shitty, and loved by black people, and when I started rolling with it, one of them asked me how I knew they loved Phillys.
Stereotypes suck, but there is often at least some truth to them, and as long as it's true, calling it racist to say it is only being overly PC to the point that it's almost racist. What, you think black people can't take a joke? They make fun of white people all the time, and most of the shit they say is true, and it's fucking hilarious!
The first comment totally got it right, all of you overly PC hipster douchebags. Oh, and I drink way more grape soda than my black friends, who often don't want it.
And Alex is hilarious, as is this article.

Maybe I should write abot the Ancient Fighting Style of Angry White Women, which involve slapping, getting drunk, throwing themselves down a flight of stairs then calling the cops.

This is straight up racist.

Maybe you should. Sounds like a good read. Maybe you can vent some of that rage with comedy. Jokes are fun.

This is soo true. When I went to college coming from the ghetto I used to get so confused when I would be ready to fight rude white girls and they would be crying. This is some true stuff though. Its not bad... Its just the way society is that it has made black women as tough as bricks and as defensive as hell. Too me it is a good sign that we keep fighting because it means that no matter how much people hate on us, tell us that our hair us ugly, our skin is ugly, etc... we are still going to do us and say "f* you to everyone hating". It is sooo American to fight for you because you have every right to be you in this country.

Even thought I'm done fighting because I know how to use my words; but pleas believe that I will defend myself... I think it is a necessary step of being a black woman to go through this fighting, angry, defensive stage. Power to ya girls!!

This shit was kinda true and it was funny ...I dont get why everyone here is getting so annoyed by it ...its his opinons so it doesnt matter what everyone else thinks. and the writer is kinda hott too!!!

This misinformed and limited view of African-Americans assumes that we are all the same. Do we assume all whites to be the same? No...we have regular whites and we have the less desirable whites who are considered white trash, as though they were not really part of the white experience as well. Yet all black people are grouped together as though we are one monolithic group

Imagine saying this nonsense about Jewish people in Germany in 1937. Would that be funny? This was not funny then and it is no more funny today. How does this shit help us move forward together. People who find this racist story funny may be much closer to the racist in the Klan who lynched black people than they think.

People who expel this kind of rubbish clearly need to feel important and need a sense of power. Do not make hateful comments and hide. Be proud of your ignorance so we can all know who you are.

While you are looking for the words to respond to this post, you can google the following: Jim Crow laws, white privilege, the creation of the American ghetto and finally Emit Till.

We can live like brothers or we can die like fools!

you are taking this way more seriously than what it's worth. if it offends you so much, find something else to read. this was a JOKE. do you even know what a joke is, or do you get offended every time someone says something funny about something taboo? come on, lighten up a bit, and get over yourself. this is nothing like the Holocaust or slavery or anything like that. it's simple satire. get over yourself and stop having a stick up your ass. it's 2011, nobody gets that offended over a joke unless they have no life/don't know how to have fun at all. it's just satire about a stereotype. if you know it's untrue, don't get so upset about it. and what's so funny about it is the fact that stuff like this actually does happen. so get over yourself and go be offended somewhere else

Im white, and This was fairly funny.. but i guess he over did it at times for some extra points, which infact, in my opinion he lost.. one cud mention a witnessed story, but dragging a whole community in it.... well,,, can i say 'all' Alex are born gay..!! caz i herd alex broonstra was a gay !! o_0

racism: Pronunciation:/ˈreɪsɪz(ə)m/noun

the belief that all members of each race possess characteristics, abilities, or qualities specific to that race , especially so as to distinguish it as inferior or superior to another race or races
prejudice, discrimination, or antagonism directed against someone of a different race based on such a belief:
a programme to combat racism

To juxtapose this article of racial satire to that of the methodical extermination of a people during WW2 is wildly ignorant. Comparing genocide to racial stereotypes is just wrong. Yes, there were racist and religiously intolerant comics that swarmed from the Socialist Party, but that was propaganda meant to sway the minds of the weak.
There is a line between humorous and offensive, and you can usually tell when the writer/orator of said jokes has meant them in a malicious manner. This article was clearly written to entertain. The people who are clamoring around about this being racist might want to re-examine their own selves.
If we smack down everything that may seem mildly offensive, or what we may deem wrong due to our own unenlightened way of thinking, then we are doomed to live in a beige world. And I don't know about you, but I need color. And that was in no way a comment of skin color, but on having variety in life.


let me guess a black girl turned your corny ass down right?

wen people hate you this much to insult you, they secretly admire you.

Great stuff. Made me laugh. This is some talented writer!

I guess it wouldn’t be right if we didn’t take this opportunity to pay tribute to the true fighting nature of black female warriors in those videos we’ve all seen posted on youtube.!!.html

Guy gets crowned for hitting girl

had to be a stupid american white boy to post it hasnt it... and the blacks 'white-ass-lickers' that waste their times reading it, i dont even have time to spare for them...

only read 2 lines to realise its a waste of time.....

Thats funny but black girls fight really good this would go more for white girls

Thats funny but black girls fight really good this would go more for white girls

This black woman thinks you're f'ing hilarious and on point!

I don't know why most black people are upset over this. When I lived in the black community, this is exactly how it was. Young women fighting over the stupidest things, children fighting children, and the parents jumping in. The truth hurts and it should. I am so glad I have a college degree, a husband who has one, and the common sense God gave me to live in the suburbs. My people have to change their ways immediately. This being aired only makes yourselves look bad. Are all black people like this? Of course not, but the ones who are make it bad for the others.

See guys, the fact that this is all an exaggeration of racial stereotypes is what makes it not offensive. This person is overusing examples of things that black people do, or in other words stereotypes, exaggeration is a skill in comedians books, this is what makes things funny. Because it is exaggeration, it is acceptable. If we all can reach a point where no one gets hurt if they're told " you look Mexican " or " you look Black " then that would truly be the point where we all learned to accept ourselves and get over the so called race that we socially constructed for ourselves. Get over yourselves people.

fuck your white mother

african apes

White girls are whooping black girls asses!

**** This Ancient Fighting Style crap ONLY WORKS ON OTHER BLACK GIRLS *****

DO NOT attempt this technique on a white girl or you will GET YOUR ASS KICKED!!!!

What's with white girls nowadays always beating the crap out of black chicks?

Girls Taking Care of Business

WTF! Another White girl kicking a black girls ass!!

Wow! Another white girl beating the breaks off of a black girl!

Ha! White girls are FUCKING WARRIORS!!!!!!!!

More White Female WARRIORS!!

Lil' Ass White girl GETTING DOWN!!!!!

Black girl attacks White girl and still gets beat!

Another white girl beating up a black girl


Another white girl beating up a black girl

White girls and Black girls brawl

thats is one of the best articles i ever seen in my life. you are a opost of genious men sorry for you

White girl vs Black girl in a fair 1 on 1 fight... guess who wins.

Black girl and white girl exchange words...and then fists!

What is it whith black bitches? They simply CANNOT fight solo...there are hundreds of vids posted of white girl vs black girl and the white girls are always beating their asses...U tell me who can fight and who can't!

Typical black girl vs white girl fight.

Black girl vs White girl...and the drama continues!

Another White girl vs Black girl brawl!

Black girl trys to fight a Mexican girl....HUGE MISTAKE!!!!

Don't know why Black girls always try their luck against a Mexican girla...but this is a HUGE MISTAKE!!!!

White girl fights black girl and brings her own personal camera crew!

Typical black girl vs white girl fight...pull the white girl off.

SMDH...No wonder why black girl always jumping white girls, they just can't handle a fair 1 on 1 fight. If the white girl is winning then stop it or pull her off or push the black girl on top. Black girls are ALL MOUTH!!!

Oh no, here's another video of a white girl vs black girl.

Little white girl fights big black girl

White girl beats black girl clean out of her shirt and her bra!!!!

I hear ya but when are we going to start making fun of the suburban kids who have the good life and want to kill themselves, or the ones on meth, or the wiggers, or the ones who were left for the black dudes, or the ones who marry their dogs, do scat porn, serial killers who eat chicken eating gay black dudes like Dahmer, or who shoot up and blow up schools and buildings, or who torture animals, or who go to other countries just to have sex with underage kids, or who harrass natives in their country selling them jesus and boose, who has a history of known diseases and till this day have to take vaccines to live with, bombs every country, etc. Ah, not worried ya'll will be extinct by 2030 and we will be like what happened to those pale people that used to make fun of everyboday, LOL.

3 black girls vs 1 white girl...white girl still won!

White girl beats black girl

For a skinny white guy, you have balls the size of weather balloons. BTW, the NBP's would like a word with you. Don't go alone.

I am just as a lover of comedy as the next person..that being said though there were some humorous points he made about "hood behavior(s)", the same can be applied to anY hood with any type of ethnicity (White included)! My main disgust here is with the use of the word "animal" to describe the women with the bright colored hairstyles, as this word is not only offensive-but the devastating effects of treating/viewing Black as animals is Still a detrimental, devastating, innacurate, and dangerous view to pass onto others in the Still discriminatory "United" States of America! So, on that note-kiss my sweet azz with that BS..Get ur facts straight next time U post, and trY 2 use that thing u call a brain! Signed, A Former Fan..