While I usually write slightly longer articles with more substance/penis jokes, I think it is often best to keep articles short and sweet, and replace penis jokes with sexually derogatory metaphors or ethically mortifying allegories. Read More »

Hi kids!

Are you ready for another round of...Ask! Mister! Drinker Man!

Of course you are—we spiked your juice boxes! With Meth! Yippee! Read More »

Many things happen when a girl becomes pregnant. Her stomach expands. She becomes irrational and moody. She gets cravings for random kinds of food...oh, wait—that's when she's drunk. Or is it both? Read More »

Drunken Personality Study, finding #1: "I Am Not Drunk" Guy

Certain people apparently do not get drunk.  Sure, they may puke and cry and get medical tubes shoved down their throats, but rest assured they are not even the least bit drunk.

How will they show you this?

With cliché drunk tests that most cops don't actually use: Read More »

As much as lying has helped me evade jail time, fines, legal fees, speeding tickets, taxes, detention, suspension, expulsion, bad reputations, failed classes, ruined relationships, broken jaws, cable bills, internet bills, and a paternity test or two, I still find myself thanking alcohol for Read More »

Question: How come something that has happened over 100 billion times is still considered a miracle?  Moreover, why is something that every species in the history of history has done considered special in any way whatsoever? Why is a process we are literally built for considered any more extraordinary than successfully expelling partially digested cheeseburger after a long ni Read More »

How did so many tyrannical governments stay in power for so long back in the day?  Torture and oppression, normally.  But also because there was no such thing as the question mark.  Sure, there were exclamation points and commas, but things like question marks, semicolons and condoms had not yet come along.  For these reasons, the Middle Ages have often been defined as uninquisitive, improp Read More »

"It's the Romans!"

"Run!"

The Roman Numerals were attacking.

"Save the kids!" Read More »

I'm assuming no one is too surprised to learn that God hates prohibitionists?

Good.

I'm also assuming that the rage you've always felt towards them now feels justified?  Even warranted?  Encouraged?

Excellent. Read More »

To truly understand where we are going as partiers, we must understand from where we have come. We must enlighten ourselves with tales of belligerence from the past. We must study the ways of great drinkers before us, for if we do, we very well may be able to avoid having to pay the gaggle of coked-out Swedish midgets $3K to hide the body and lie to the media.

Again. Read More »

Due to high ratings, a serendipitous seven "favorites," and the overwhelming number I have to choose from, the Seven Epic Drunk Dials are back for Round 2. Read More »

After a night of drinking, I often find myself going through various fast food drive-thrus. But occasionally, I find myself going through other kinds of pseudo-drive-thrus, some of which lead to spinal leakage, others to bruised pelvises, and a few undoubtedly are sold out of everything except large orders of tow-trucks pulling stolen cars out of ditches. Read More »