My dog Bailey likes eating popcorn. She also wolfs down cucumbers, apples and obviously, any variety of meat and/or cheese that we offer her when we feel particularly charitable at the dinner table. As a dog, her eating habits aren’t too terribly peculiar; however, over the summer I came to find something that good ol’ Bailey just won’t swallow.

You see, after a night of dinner, a movie and a thorough fingering—and I do mean thorough—of this girl I had been seeing (and won’t be seeing ever again after this article), I was greeted at the back door by tail-waggin’ Bailey. It’s usually at this point in the night that she knows I’m drunk and willing to feed her a piece of deer bologna that my dad keeps in the fridge downstairs. Well, as I bent over to pet my loyal dog, she gave a growl. I laughed (she’s a Shih Tzu, and a small one at that), then, I petted behind her ears, as I usually do. As I did that, she smelled my wrist with great hesitation and sure enough, within two seconds, Bailey darted off and hid under the pool table.

This concerned me at first, considering that the animal kingdom has a strange innate sense of evil…ergo, in my thought process at the time, genital warts (granted, if you knew this girl, you’d see why I left it at fingering and ran…then, in the car, lit match over the four fingers I used and prayed).

After I poured a copious amount of rubbing alcohol over my hands and used another match to singe the hair and healthy cells off, I sat down with a cigarette and saw Bailey still cowering in fear. I told her, “Bailey, you’re a little bitch,” and she ran upstairs. Puns aside (as she is a female dog), I came up with this article thinking that all guys who don’t fully eat pussy are bitches. I haven’t written it yet because I wasn’t sure how to approach it.

And the cannibal part? Well, that’s just because it’s better that way. Obviously.

So Reader, grab your knife, your napkin, your dog, and enjoy this article together.

A Cannibal’s Guide to Cooking and Eating Pussy

The Sweetest Kiss

INGREDIENTS:

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2 “pussy lips”
1 bottle of Pinot Grigio
1 cup heavy cream
2 servings thick noodles of your choosing

“I’d recommend buying Free Range Pussy because Pussy that roams is a tad more tender.”

While this probably sounds more like a recipe for A Good Friday Night (ha-hah!), the fatty tissue surrounding a female human’s vaginal palette just so happens to be the most tender, delectable part of the body. These are scientifically designated as “the pussy lips,” and with a nice white wine sauce, they taste like high-quality imitation crab meat. These “lips” may be a tad tough, given that each woman has a different degree of flexibility, so before you choose the woman you wish to boil, you might want to tenderize the area with a fine-grade steel mallet. Or your penis.

As for cooking, first, begin by bringing the heavy cream to a light simmer. Then, pour in a whole bottle of the Pinot Grigio into the saucepan. The noodles should be cooking in reserve and once you have them on the plate, glaze them over with the wine sauce. Pussy lips, like sushi, should be eaten raw and placed on the noodles in an aesthetically pleasing manner—that is, snugly squished together…to look like they should: a 12-year-old’s.

Serving Size: 2
Serving Size Rank:
Wine and Double Penetration


The Killer Cajun Coot (on a Stick)

INGREDIENTS:

1 bottle hot sauce
1 uterus

The female’s uterus is the largest edible part of the female’s vagina. As it is a tougher, spongier meat than other parts of her body (aside from the woman’s brain, which is so coarse and fucking argumentative, you’ll end up just picking at it all night), it is much more filling.

The chewiness of the uterus depends wholly on the state of the ovulation cycle. If it is near the beginning of the ovulation cycle and the egg is fresh, the uterus has the color and consistency of a pack of 20-year-old Bubble Yum. If the egg is nearly released, the uterus has the color of leather, but the fine, salty taste of deer jerky. I’d recommend buying Free Range Pussy, not because I’m a Pussy Rights activist or anything, but because Pussy that roams is a tad more tender. You will have to scrub it off more, though.

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As for the hot sauce…as you may well know, it makes anything taste better. Just varnish the uterus with the hot sauce and shove a stick in it before barbequing. Goes well with Dijon mustard and a thick Boston lager.

Also, you may want to slow spin roast the uterus for special occasions such as Christmas, Thanksgiving or a romantic dinner-date with your newly-sterile girlfriend.

Serving Size: 4
Serving Size Rank:
A Creole Gang Bang


Grandma’s Choco-Choco-Clit Chip Cookies

INGREDIENTS:

2 cups flour
2 cups milk
1 stick of butter
3 eggs
1/2 cups sugar
4 tbsp vanilla extract
35-50 Clitori

What’s better than Grandma’s Choco-Choco-Clit Chip Cookies? Nothing! Duh!

You know from your (scarred) childhood that Grandma knows best when it comes to cooking those clits! So why fight it?

Mix all the flour, milk, butter, egg and sugar into the classic sugar cookie formula and then dump in a pack of Thompson’s Cornish Clitori. They’re relatively cheap, but the best thing about them is that they still come in their hoods. So, once you open the pack, you’re going to want descale and split them open to unleash the sweet, sweet taste.

I should add that National Health Regulations are correct here; clitori are crammed with toxins that may lead to any one of the following:

Temporary blindness
Long-term paralysis
An erection lasting more than 4 hours

So, be sure to bake at 400 degrees for 10 minutes before you go putting them in your mouth…and please do not lick the spoon.

If you’re diabetic, you might want to stay away from the sweeter, oilier versions of clitori. For a nice change, try Smitty McGee’s Sugarless Clits (made with 100% real virgin nun clits! Yummy!).

Serving Size: 8-10
Serving Size Rank:
She doesn’t have enough holes for the amount of dicks we’re trying to put in her, dude. There’s a line forming to the right. You should really take a number, though. It might take awhile…you know, now that she doesn’t have a vagina and all that.

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