Baby with googly eyes eating food

Hello all you out there in PIC-Land! It's me, Codie, and I'm back. Most of you were probably wondering what happened to me, why I had never sent a thank you card for all of the gluten-free pies that came to my doorstep. Because gluten is delicious and you're ruining pies, that's why. Also, I had a baby and decided to keep it, so I've been a little busy teaching her calculus and the proper usage of a semicolon. Babies are like sponges: you have to teach them these things early on so they won't turn into strippers and meth heads.

Even though I gave birth to this thing, I still very much dislike babies. To put it simply, they are the very worst. So if any of you are thinking about littering this world with your awful spawn, please read this article and consider adopting a puppy instead.

1. Forget sleeping ever again.

Despite your firm belief that your baby will just walk out of your vagina and take care of itself, you need to do everything for them.Remember when you were super active in high school and had no problem showing up for weightlifting at 5:30am, going to every single class, playing a double-header afterwards, and then, finally, drifting off to sleep at midnight after you finished your homework? Then, remember how you got to college and realized that was all stupid and drinking yourself into a coma with your best friend and sleeping in until 3:00pm the next day surrounded by a sea of Taco Bell wrappers and empty beer cans was so much better?

Yeah, college was awesome. Midnight feedings, or multiple midnight feedings, are not. You'll inevitably fall asleep before your baby does and then wake up in a panic wondering if you drowned her in formula or rolled over onto her tiny, precious, just-waiting-for-something-bad-to-happen-to-it body. You'll never nap or experience a full night's rest ever again. Ever. You'll probably die tired and a little cranky.

2. Babies can't figure out their tongues.

Or their hands. When it comes to feeding a baby, prepare to get blasted in the face with warm pea mush that had been sitting on a store shelf for probably 10 years before you purchased it and then forced into her tiny mouth. That baby will be more than happy to only swallow an eighth of that spoonful and let the rest soak into her neck rolls, food that you'll find two days later because you didn't properly wash her the first two times around and you are a horrible parent.

Baby eating peas and spitting them out

Also, she likes to shove her fist in her mouth and then try to touch you with that pea spit fist. And, when you aren't ready for it, that baby will finish off her meal with a nice-sized vomit mess in your hair. Because she likes to play in your hair.

3. You'll miss reading.

And movies. And real conversations with real adults. And alcohol. Babies are needy creatures and despite your firm belief that your baby will just walk out of your vagina and take care of itself, you need to do everything for them. Mostly because they're lazy and haven't figured out how to get a job yet. You'll buy books and movies thinking you'll read or watch them, but they'll just sit in your basement in storage boxes because that's where hopes and dreams live.

Nights out with the ladies, or that one transvestite who always forgets your name yet gives you jewelry, are few and far between. Your only welcoming friend is that wine box sitting in your fridge. Feel free to down it along with your sorrows, but, again, you'll probably not sleep that night and then have the worst hangover of your life the next morning when your baby decides to cough in your ear and stab you in the eye with her tiny, deadly accurate finger.

4. Suddenly, tiny overalls are adorable.

They are adorable on a midget or a cat, so why not on a baby? Baby clothes fuck with your mind. Aisles that you happily skipped past in the store are now the ones you casually stroll through, picking up dresses for festive occasions like Easter and Independence Day, or perhaps a tiny set of shoes with bumble bees on them.

Baby wearing Fourth of July overalls

High-waisted jeans are now cute and laughable as you dress your baby in one pair after another. She also has two pairs of pink skinny jeans and matching bows for various occasions should she find herself invited to multiple dinner parties or family game nights. Her wardrobe is now better than yours because you happily shell out a million dollars for onesie sets and tutus, rather than throw away your old t-shirts and pregnancy pants and finally purchase something more form-fitting, like jeans that don't make your butt look 10 times bigger than it is.

5. Donuts and cheeseburgers are disgusting.

Don't even get me started on McNuggets. I used to shovel these items in daily (or, really, multiple times a day), but now I can hardly have more than one in the same month without feeling nauseous. Babies make you hate once-delicious things that you ate while sitting in your car, away from judgmental eyes. I once ate 20 McNuggets, a large fry, and downed a large drink while watching Titanic with my roommate. Those happy days are now gone, never to return.

Now I'm left wondering whether or not my baby will ever eat chicken because of all the terrifying things I've read about and seen in documentaries about slaughterhouses. Bacon brings me joy that only pure devotion can bring, and while I can still stomach it (because it's so damn good) I wonder whether or not my baby should ever try it. Not that that has stopped her aunt from rubbing bacon grease all over her tiny lips.

But thanks to the miracle of childbirth I am now a food Nazi, checking all of the labels on everything and judgmentally tossing aside anything non-organic; checking my own bread and carbs intake and focusing more on vegetables and lean meats; and treating fast food like the devil.

6. Hold up, food Nazi. Did that baby just eat frosting off Grandma's finger?

Okay, so I'm a hypocrite. Babies make you stupid and turn you into a liar. Yes, you started out with good intentions, what with buying books on making your own baby food and reading up on quinoa, but you're tired and quinoa is gross after a while. Sometimes it's okay to eat that Starbucks cheese danish three times a week as long as you never tell a soul about it. Also, babies get bored of the same crap being shoveled into their mouths daily. Like you, they enjoy variety.

So lather up those baby lips with bacon grease. Just don't tell anyone about it, bad parent.

7. John McClane may not be the greatest parent role model.

For America, yes. Yes he is. But his kids hated him and led lives that he had no idea about. Granted, things worked out in the end, which is what you'll keep telling yourself when your baby is fussy and refuses to sleep. Or when she decides to cut short your date night. Or when she inevitably becomes a stripper because of long-fostered daddy issues. Because babies have a way of making reality suddenly seem real, every fear and terrifying scenario now runs through your mind on a daily basis, and the choices you make as a parent are now a giant weight strapped to your ankles, drowning you in a sea of regret.

Did I mention no sleep? Zero naps tend to fuel delusional metaphors. Take comfort in the fact that someday you'll be able to watch Die Hard without pants again, chugging boxed wine, and eating all of the bacon. That's why they invented youth soccer games that you'll never attend.

Join us at The Satire and Humor Festival in NYC Mar 22-24! Also check out upcoming comedy writing, improv and sketch classes at The Second City - 10% off with code PIC.