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5. Middle of the Quad, Half-Naked, Hospital Bracelet Intact

I was choking down a hungover breakfast in my frat’s dining room with a few other guys when we all received the same text from a girl who lived in the sorority next door:

College quad tour group"Willow is blacked-out and half-naked in the quad screaming ‘cunt’ at incoming freshmen tour groups."

I’m not sure what I looked like as a kid when I found out they were building a Toy "R" Us a few blocks from my house, but I’m pretty I donned the same expression.

We arrived at the quad in record time to see Willow stumbling around in the muddy grass, barefoot and shirtless, still wearing his inpatient bracelet, throwing C-bombs and F-bombs and Z-bombs (don’t ask) at anyone who entered his personal bubble, which apparently has a radius of 300 feet.

He continued slinging vulgarities until we approached him, at which point he stopped, confusedly looked around, and asked, "Why is the hospital so cold?" then toppled over.

It was the first time Willow had been admitted to the University of Washington Medical Center against his will and discharged against the hospital’s. It wouldn’t be the last.

4. Bed of a Truck

This entry was originally about when I woke up in front of these Greek pillars on campus wearing nothing (at all) but a soaking toga with liters of Carlo Rossi Chablis that had been duct-taped to my hands. But, after last week’s article, someone anonymously posted the following:

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"I once woke up at a car dealership, in the bed of a new truck, as the salesman was showing the vehicle to a couple."

Not sure if this is true or taken from a Judd Apatow movie I haven’t seen yet, but if so, bravo. Fucking hilarious.

3. Up in a Tree, Middle of a Forest

This bartender I used to know was both a huge stoner as well as a complete idiot. We’ll call him Stoned Idiot.

Stoned Idiot liked to drink at the end of his shift. Stoned Idiot then liked to drive home "before the alcohol hit him" so he’d be ready to go the minute he walked in the door. One night Stoned Idiot’s stoned idiocy caught up with him and he crashed his car into a guard rail while exiting the freeway. Seeing as it was three o’clock in the morning on a Tuesday and no one was around though, he figured he’d run away, hide, and tell the cops the next day that his car was stolen.

I’m going to go ahead and assume you just finished analyzing his justification for running and decided—like any sane person reading this—that he should not be allowed to reproduce. Thus, it should come as no surprise that, after twenty minutes of frenzied running, he realized that he had sprinted the wrong way down the freeway and was now miles and miles from home.

Guy sleeping in a treeStoned Idiot—being the stoned idiot that he is—panicked, started sprinting in the general direction of his apartment, and soon found himself lost in a forest. Naturally, he decided to climb a nearby tree, drape himself over a thick branch, and pass out.

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2. Hospital, Still Drunk

I was sitting in my fraternity’s living room taking in my daily dose of The Price is Right when in walks Willow (from #5), wearing nothing but boxers, one sock, and a hospital identification bracelet. He stopped in the foyer, stared at me, and then continued upstairs to conduct a full-scale investigation into where the fuck his life was.

Willow likes to drink. A lot. So much, in fact, that he gets alcohol poisoning and is taken to UW Medical Center on a somewhat frequent basis. This time, when he woke up still drunk and unhappy about the IV in his arm, he decided he had had enough of the damn hospital’s life-saving hospitality and decided to walk several miles home in boxers and one sock.

How funny would it be to see an unbalanced five-foot-six guy who looks frighteningly similar to an elf stumble down the side of the highway in boxers and a sock?

Very funny.

1. Airplane, Bound for the East Coast

Seriously.

View from an airplane seatOn an especially emotional Friday night, this guy named Brian got blacked-out. But, instead of being his usual sloppy, disheveled drunken self, he packed his things, got a cab to SeaTac Airport, bought a ticket, somehow made it through security, and successfully boarded his flight to visit a girl he missed on the East Coast.

Epic come-to. Desperate plea for no turbulence.

Got your own black-out/come-to stories? Leave them in the comment section.