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1. He slept with Becky, a.k.a. The Horse Face, last year
when you went to visit your grandparents. It’s gross, I know.
2. Freshman year he slept with Tina behind your back… habitually.
3. He stole $47 from your purse to buy Madden ‘06.
4. He was the one who spilled soda all over your laptop, not Christina like
he said.
5. When we were in sixth grade, he fingered the retarded girl who rode our
bus.
6. He, in fact, does not know your middle name. Go
ahead, ask him.
7. Last August, in Montreal, he kicked a bum in the ribs, and
kicking the homeless is just wrong.
8. He stole my little sister’s copy of the Rainbow Bright movie, and
watched it like a hundred times. Then he tried to pretend like it didn’t happen
when I found it in his room.
He also:
9. Got his honor medal in Boy Scouts by lying.
10. Slept with Kim like last week, and told you he was at my place.
11.
Thinks you look fat in your brown jacket. (I happen to think it looks very
nice.)
12. Thinks Sammy Hagar was a better lead singer than David Lee Roth.
13. Got drunk and forgot to go to his grandmother’s funeral.
14. Spray painted “faggot” on the side of a church…
15. …Then lied and told the cops it was some black kid.
16. Hooked up with his little brother’s girlfriend last Christmas break.
17. Pushed Greg Dannon out of his tree fort in seventh grade. Greg broke his
leg.
18. Subsequently, wrote “fagboy” on Greg’s cast. Greg’s parents are hardcore
born-again Christian. They did not, in fact, find this funny.
19. Wet the bed until he was like twelve. Whenever he spent the night at my
house he had to bring his “special sheets.”
20. Uses racial slurs while playing video games.
And finally:
21. One time, on a field trip, Todd shit his
pants on the bus, and when we stopped at McDonald’s for lunch, he tried to flush
his shit-filled underwear down the toilet. Instead of going down the drain, it
backed up the toilet, which then overflowed, because he kept flushing, resulting
in a one-armed McDonald’s employee having to mop up Todd’s shitty mess.
I could keep going with this list, but I think 21
is a good number to stop at. Besides, I can’t really top the last one.
I don’t know what else to say or do at this point.
I’ve already lost you. I really wish things could have been different, that I
was a different, or at least the person you wanted me to be. For whatever part I
had in all this,
I’m sorry.
Unfortunately yours,
Dave |
