Anti-Chuck Norris Facts: General Patheticism

Chuck Norris Generally Pathetic Facts:

Chuck Norris wears a size 2 ballet slipper.



Rice cakes go straight to Chuck Norris' thighs.

Chuck Norris always sleeps 8 hours a night, and can be caught cat-napping several times a day.

Chuck Norris once ALMOST finished an entire double-mocha frappuccino latte at Starbucks, but stopped when he started to feel "woozy."

Chuck Norris changed his name to Chuck Norris because Gaping Bloody Vagina seemed too "butch."

And on the third day God said, "Let there be light." Because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark.

Ray Charles once looked at Chuck Norris...and decided he'd rather never see again.

When Chuck Norris is in a crowded area, he doesn't walk around people. He walks through them. Chuck Norris is but a ghost.

Chuck Norris cries himself to sleep every night, then wakes up to the sounds of his own cries.

Chuck Norris was disowned by his father when it was discovered Chuck Norris could do the splits before learning to walk.

Chuck Norris' real name is Carlos Ray Norris, Jr.

Chuck Norris can believe it's not butter.

A 7-year-old blind boy once found Waldo before Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris is credited with the invention of bottled water.

Although he has the power to eliminate them, Chuck Norris allows emos to exist. Jesus rolls his eyes at this gesture every time.

Chuck Norris has 11 scrapbooks full of "Love Is" cartoons.

If you yell "Chuck Norris" into the Grand Canyon, it echoes back "is a pussy."

If you say "Chuck Norris" into a mirror ten times on Friday the 13th, Chuck Norris will show up behind you with an axe. Then he'll try to sell you
the axe to support his various substance addictions.

Chuck Norris is the driving force behind Chuck Norris facts. He has even been caught in public speaking in the third person.

Chuck Norris always buys the Double Gulp at 7-11 even though he knows he can't finish it.

Chuck Norris adopts orphans from the Asian tsunami disaster, only to make them sit for hours in his pool while he yells at them for not having
emotional breakthroughs.

Every time Chuck Norris curls his bicep, an angel gets its wings.

Chuck Norris manages a Baskin Robbins franchise. It only has access to 23 flavors.

Chuck Norris cuts the roof of his mouth when he eats Cap'n Crunch.

Chuck Norris' pick-up runs on sunshine and puppy's tears. Chuck Norris' truck never starts because "Ain't no sunshine when she's gone, only
darkness everyday."

Chuck Norris fears the Mach 4 razor. He wishes it had softer and fewer blades.

Chuck Norris' real name is Daniel Goldberg. He is ashamed of his Jewish heritage.

Chuck Norris eats dirt because he thinks it is feces. He then takes a sip of gasoline and spits it out, complaining that it doesn't taste enough
like urine.

Chuck Norris, realizing he his career is going down the tube, drowns himself in a gallon of ice cream which is promptly melted by his warm, salty
tears.

Chuck Norris came up with the idea for his look after many years studying the Brawny paper towel man.

Chuck Norris spilled his milk when he was 30. He still cries over it.

Chuck Norris wears biker shorts under his kilt.

Chuck Norris is the real author of www.chucknorrisfacts.com.

Chuck Norris once ordered a Big Mac from Burger King, and got one, because no one wanted to hear him pout about it again.

Chuck Norris has a summer home on "Brokeback Mountain."

Chuck Norris lights mini-scented candles around the tub when he takes a bath.

When Chuck Norris was offered bread at a restaurant he replied, "No thank you, I'm watching my carbs."

Chuck Norris voted Bush in the 2000 election.

Chuck Norris doesn't shave because he fears the razor.

Chuck Norris' hair is made from the stolen eyelashes of Cambodian orphans.

Chuck Norris found this page and said, "Shit! I guess my unfounded and unearned popularity is over." He spent the next four hours lying face down
on his silk duvet cover crying into a down pillow. Anything less wouldn't have provided enough comfort.

Before being discovered as a martial arts talent, Chuck Norris was a writer for Hallmark greeting cards.

Chuck Norris pisses Zima.

Chuck Norris orders the “side salad with low-fat dressing” at a BBQ joint.

Chuck Norris likes to take bubble baths with scented candles.

Chuck Norris once got a splinter and was rushed immediately to the ER, screaming “I’m too young to die!” the whole way.

Chuck Norris’ favorite color is lavender.

Chuck Norris’ adult diaper is made to withhold 2,000 lbs of pressure per square inch. It breaks on a regular basis.

Chuck Norris once became popular for no apparent reason whatsoever.