Oh What a Night

So there I was the night before an exam, in the fetal position. I had just gone to bed, as I had been up late studying for my Mass Comm exam which was to take place in the morning. And I was scared shitless.

Not because of the exam, because of what I was hearing.

Splash Splish

The noise had started about five minutes before I climbed into bed. At first, I just laid there, trying to determine what it was and where it was coming from. No, it didn't sound like it was coming from outside. So where was there a water source in my apartment? The only thing I could think of in my 3:00am sleepy haze was the toilet. Why would there be splashing in my toilet?

Then it dawned on me - some maniac had broken in and was pissing in my toilet. It was the only explanation. Hence the fetal position. Hence the paralyzing fear.

Splash splash

It was clear. Once the madman was finished pissing, he was going to walk into my bedroom, find me, probably do some very nasty things to me, and kill me.... in the fetal position.

Splish splish splash

I had to get up. I told myself that if I was going to die, I should die on my feet like a man. Get up. It took every ounce of courage that I had in me. As I rolled over, the bed creaked. I was certain he was going to hear me and charge in to murder me. Finally, agonizingly, my feet touched the floor. I assumed a ready stance, prepared for combat.

Splash splish

My heart was pounding out of my chest. I reached the doorway of my bedroom where I kept my golf clubs and took out my 3 iron (because if I was going to break a club it would be that piece of shit). I held it in front of me hoping that the invader would think I knew how to handle myself. At the very least, I was going to leave some of his blood on the floor for the crime scene investigators to analyze for his DNA. Now armed and somewhat dangerous, I continued to tiptoe down the hall to meet fate.

Splash splish

Whatever the hell it was, it was definitely inside my bathroom. Gritting my teeth, and holding my "weapon" aloft, I mustered the courage to peer around the corner into the bathroom.. only to find... nothing. Where was the 6'5", 250lb drunk homicidal maniac that I was sure was there? I was instantly relieved.. it was my imagination. I lowered my guard for an instant. Just then..

Something was moving.. INSIDE MY TOILET

I took a step in to get a better look.

Grey fur..
Beady black eyes..
Long hairless tail..

Holy shit, there was a goddamned RAT in my toilet.

Now, dear reader, I know what you're thinking. Rats coming up out of the sewer into toilets - that's a urban legend. A myth. Something out of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Before that fateful night, I would have agreed with you. My eyes told me different. Back to the story..

Just as I made eye contact with it, the rat decided to jump, trying to claw its way out of the bowl.. but it couldn't get a grip and...

Splash

Needless to say, I got the hell out of there. I had to think this over. I held my "weapon" in front of me, just in case things got out of hand.

I didn't need this problem. I had an exam in the morning. What the hell was I going to do about this?

I swore at it. I thought that would make it go away. It didn't.

My heart rate slowed, ever so slightly. I started to think rationally. The first thing I did was to put on the closest shoes, which happen to be Dr martens. If that vermin ever got out of there, I knew it would head straight for my toes. I then decided that the rat had to leave. I was not paying good money in rent to share my apartment with a sewer rat. I went into the kitchen.

Splish

I had a bucket, which had up until recently, been filled with Dubble Bubble gum. I emptied it of the last few chunks. I put on my gloves. Then I put on my mittens over my gloves. If it was going to bite me, it would have to get through two layers of material. I stepped into the doorway wearing a t-shirt, boxers, Doc martens, and gloves with mittens over the top of them. It was on.

Splash

Like a gunslinger ready for a draw, I stepped into the bathroom, bucket in my mittened hand. I gripped it by the rim. I took a step forward to stand over the porcelain.. and then something I didn't expect happened. It screamed. It did more than scream. It was like ten smoke alarms going off at once. It was the loudest, highest pitched scream I have ever heard. I then did what any red-blooded male would do.. I got the hell out of there. Again. This time with nearly soiled shorts.

Splish splash

I was leaning against the wall, my thoughts alternating between Mass Comm and the rodent in my toilet. It needed to leave. I had to rethink this situation. The bucket was not going to work. If I scooped the bastard up, he was going to jump out, and at the very worst take one my my fingers as a prize. Forget that. I went back into the kitchen and got my juice container. It had a handle, and more importantly, it had a lid.

Splash

I took a deep breath. This was it. This thing was leaving my apartment this time, come hell or high water. I stepped in and stood over the bowl. The rat made eye contact with me, and started screaming again. I would not be phased. Ok, I almost ran out again, but I collected myself. I dove in, trying to scoop the grey beast up - but it was a fighter. Before I could scoop it, it made a leap for me. It latched its razor sharp teeth onto the rim of the juice container.. and there it hung, squealing and writhing, mere centimeters from my hands. But by this point, I had enough of fooling around. I flung the rat back into the toilet.

Splash

I chased it around the bowl with my juice container, finally managing to scoop it up. With that, I slammed the lid on it and held it shut tight. It thrashed and screamed inside the clear plastic prison. I was sure half the building was awake by now. I raced out into the hallway and down the stairs to the main entrance. I opened the lid and flung the thing out into the night, and I watched it shuffle away into the darkness. I came back inside, took of my shoes, mittens and gloves, washed my hands, flushed the toilet a few times, shuttered three times, and went back to bed.

I didn't sleep for a second.
And I got a B on the exam.

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