Sex Mistakes I Couldn't Care Less About, Part III of III

31. Not being imaginative enough: Imagination is anything from drawing patterns on her back to pouring honey on her and licking it off. Fruit, vegetables, ice and feathers are all handy props; hot candle wax and permanent dye are a no-no.

Ok, first of all, what kind of weirdo are you? Vegetables are ok, but no candle wax? So I can stuff a carrot in your drizzly grizzley, but I can't drip a little wax? And somehow, "fruit" is imaginative, but "bacon" is just weird? I'm convinced you work for PETA now.

32. Slapping your stomach against hers: There is no less erotic noise. It's as sexy as a belching contest.

No contact-sex, it's the way to go!

33. Arranging her in stupid poses: If she wants to do advanced yoga in bed, fine, but unless she's a Romanian gymnast, don't get too ambitious. Ask yourself if you want a sexual partner with snapped hamstrings.

A partner that can't run way? Is that a rhetorical question? Besides, China has way better gymnasts now, and you can buy Chinese girls by the dozen, like eggs.

34. Looking for her prostate: Anal stimulation feels good for men because they have a prostate - women don't.

We agree again. Gentleman, save a whore, ride a cowboy.

35. Giving love bites: It is highly erotic to exert some gentle suction on the sides of the neck, if you do it carefully. No woman wants to have to wear turtlenecks and jaunty scarves for weeks on end.

What about French women? They love scarves and turtlenecks. PWNED.

36. Barking instructions: Don't shout encouragement like a coach with a megaphone. It's not a big turn-on.

Well, if you would let me use the megaphone, I wouldn't have to shout. Besides, everybody loves to be corrected. It makes it seem like I care.

Besides, you seem to have an awful lot of rules for somebody who hates instructions.

37. Talking dirty: It makes you sound like a lonely magazine editor calling an 0898 line. If she likes nasty talk, she'll let you know.

Why a magazine editor? Do they like to talk dirty? I'm honestly confused. And lots of girls aren't exactly comfortable with saying they like dirty talk. It can be hard to make yourself understood through a bite gag.

38. Not caring whether she comes: You have to finish the job. Keep on trying until you get it right, and she might even do the same for you.

Hahaahah, I'm going to come whether she does a good job or not. I highly suggest she looks into that philosophy.

39. Squashing her: Men generally weigh more than women, so if you lay on her a bit too heavily, she will turn blue.

This goes double for members of the Blue Man Group. Easy solution? Date girls who weigh more than you. Big girls need love too, and they don't turn blue. Whoo-hoo!

40. Not thanking her: Don't forget that you're lucky to have that goddess in your life. Be sure to thank her with both words and actions.

Does "I left you a little something extra on the nightstand" count as both? And all women aren't goddesses. Maybe some are, but they wouldn't want to sleep with me, so they can go suck on a lemon.

Wait, Athena. Come back. I can change I sw- oh, you have the ability to see when people are lying? Yeah, you better just go then.