If you’ve decided to join the 329,000 people who move to Florida each year, I have some advice for you. Here are ten lines that no Floridians want to hear.

1. “People can’t drive down here.” Here’s the deal. Our roadways are clogged with senior citizens, immigrants, stoners, and northeasterners who move down here and are shocked to learn that everyone on planet Earth doesn’t drive like pushy assholes. There’s an eclectic mix everywhere down here, and that mix extends to the highways. It’s not that we can’t drive; it’s that everyone drives differently down here. Suck it up and deal.

2. “People here are so slow.” Yeah. And we like it, too. We walk slowly, we talk slowly and we enjoy ourselves. It’s called life. Learn to savor it, you uppity fucks.

3. “Well, the way we do it up north is…” We don’t care how you do it up north. Shut up.

4. “The pizza down here is horrible. I should open a pizza shop.” This one’s my favorite. This state is inhabited by literally millions of people from New York City (which has the best pizza in America, by the way) and every one of these northeastern morons think they’re the first one to come up with the idea of opening a great pizza shop in Florida. Just so you know: we can’t make good dough because the water down here is too salty. It’s not like everyone down here thinks pizza should suck. Just enjoy your fresh Mahi Mahi, drink your fresh orange juice and forget about your fucking pizza.

5. “I don’t get the way these people talk.” Yeah, we should all just do our best Joe Pesci imitations so we can sound like y’all. Idiots.

6. “No one down here is from Florida.” Yeah, neither are you. Grow some brains and learn to close your mouths. Jackasses.

7. “I can’t believe there are so many bugs down here.” I could see why you would think that a state that rarely gets below-freezing weather and is 3/4 swamp would be insect free. I would think that way too, if I was a total fuck stick.

8. “I can’t believe how expensive insurance is down here.” So let me get this straight: you moved to a state that is famous for illegal aliens, crime, sinkholes, mold and hurricanes and you expected a decrease in insurance costs? Not everything is more expensive in Boston, dickheads.

9. “Does it rain like this every summer?” No, just the summers that people from Rhode Island move down here. Oh yeah, and the summers that people from Long Island move down here. I mean really. It’s the fucking subtropics.

10. “I can’t believe how hot it is.” I can’t believe how dumb you are.

Please, if you move down here, do not use any of these ten lines. We hear them too much and we hate them.

Thanks for your understanding, and welcome to Florida.

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